His Banana Quotes

“I woke up with the kind of headache that makes you regret you ever existed. I didn’t just want to die, I wanted to go back in time and stop my parents from ever making me in the first place.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“He has a chronic condition. They found the stick up his ass when we were just kids and the doctors said we couldn't remove it without killing him. Naturally, we all tried as hard as we could to pull it out, but the stubborn bastard never gave us an inch. See, he's a tight-ass, too. It's tragic, really, when you think about it. Sometimes I lay awake at night trying to figure out which came first… The stick, or the tight ass.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“Please tell me you just compared a man to a burrito, because I love that.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“Natasha would never be the tame housewife or anything close to typical. She was my accident-prone, highly unpredictable, feisty little firecracker”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“Natasha had stumbled, tripped, and crashed her way through all my defenses in a perfectly choreographed merger of clumsiness and fate.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“They say once an intern gets a taste of their boss’ banana, they never really stop craving it.” I tried to stop myself from saying it, I really did, but he had set me up far, far too perfectly for the dirty joke. I owed it to the universe to say it.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“Is there a word for someone who’s nice but is an asshole about it?” I asked once the waiter had left. “A nicehole?” suggested Bruce. “Yes. You’re a nicehole.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“Hmm,” I heard Bruce say as he walked up from behind me. “A hundred copies of somebody’s order receipt for fiber pills from Amazon. Yes. I can see why we would need to circulate that around the office.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“I had to go into three grocery stores to find a single banana that had no hints of green and no brown spots. I don't think I'd ever seen him as serious as he was when he was describing the specifications of the banana. At least ten inches. Firm. No bruises. No green. He even made me put my hands together so I had a way to measure the length and be sure it was big enough but not too big. It was more like he was telling me how to defuse a bomb in the basement of a kindergarten.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“This wasn’t the kind of lying that shook the foundations of a relationship. It was the kind of lying that hid happy secrets.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“People worked differently when they thought they were at the top and wanted to stay there.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“There’s a place for everything, and everything has its place.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“burying the things you want to protect will keep them safe, but it also keeps them out of reach.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana