Your Dad Stole My Rake Quotes

“We are all nothing more than a collection of stories.”
― Tom Papa, Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas

“What doesn’t count as a romantic getaway is any trip that involves any of your family. You can’t call anything a “getaway” if it involves bringing the people you’re trying to get away from.”
― Tom Papa, Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas

“Yelling in my family didn’t mean you were angry, you were just communicating in a timely fashion”
― Tom Papa, Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas

“How about rugs filled with dog pee? Windowsills covered in cat vomit. Shoes filled with cat vomit. Blankets filled with cat vomit. My cat throws up so often he must think it’s the top line in his job description. “If you’re looking for someone to throw up, rub their ass on things, and throw up again, I’m your cat.”
― Tom Papa, Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas

“our cat has the biggest heart in the animal kingdom. He’s given us dead mice delivered in two pieces, injured mice trying to make a run for it with one leg, and punctured birds released in our bed. My daughter once woke up in the middle of the night with a mouse rustling around in her hair! My wife woke up to a dead hummingbird on her chest. My other daughter received a live rat in her bathroom who threw in the added bonus of peeing in her shower cap. Luckily she noticed it just as she was about to put it on her head. We’ve had birds with one wing, birds with no legs, birds who just gave up, laid on their backs, and begged us to kill them.”
― Tom Papa, Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas

“One of the bravest of all public servants has to be the teacher of sixth-grade boys. How they can do their job without wearing a gas mask just doesn’t make sense to me. These are boys who are at their peak of stench-hood and avoid bathing at all costs. They don’t make windows big enough to release all the horrid, prepubescent odors wafting around those desks.”
― Tom Papa, Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas

“no presents for dad As the next holiday approaches—and it doesn’t matter when you are reading this, a holiday is always approaching—I have some great news for you. You don’t have to buy your father a gift. That’s right, you’re off the hook. No more worrying about what Dad wants. Ever again. No more racing through the mall at the last minute, pricing out ties, looking at mini helicopters, and asking strangers what they got for their father. There is literally nothing he needs and nothing you need to buy. This isn’t a fake “Aw shucks, don’t worry about little old me” routine. This is real. He doesn’t want a damn thing. Think of your father as a clam. He has his house, he’s in it, he’s good. You wouldn’t give a clam a new sweater with a snowman on it. He’d never wear it. Neither will your dad.”
― Tom Papa, Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas