Three Blind Dates Quotes

“Mommy doesn’t exist for the next few hours, but she loves you, don’t forget that. She loves you so much she wants you to leave her alone. Bye, bye.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“He pushes through a door and you can hear Lauren say, “What the hell, Alex? Did you—?” “It’s Hayden Fucking Holmes. Look, he’s on the FaceTime. Look!” “What?” Lauren twists the phone so she’s looking at the screen and . . . cue the screaming. “Oh my GOD!!! It’s Hayden Fucking Holmes!” There is nothing to really do but laugh, and laugh hard. Hayden and I sit there, our chests falling up and down, chuckling together as Lauren and Alex freak out. “I need to show him my boobs,” Lauren says. “Unzip my dress, Alex, undo my bra.” “On it,” he calls out, as if his wife showing Hayden her boobs is the most natural thing ever. Hayden looks at me and mouths, “He’s okay if she shows me her boobs?” I snort and roll my eyes. There really are no words to explain the insanity that is my brother and sister-in-law.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“Yeah, about a guy who was jogging by you this morning. You said his penis was swaying like the wrecking ball in Miley Cyrus’s music video and he needed to wear man panties rather than free-ballin’ it.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“Danny . . . dearest man who serves me booze. Do you see the way my eyes are flitting back and forth? Can you feel the crazy exuding from them?” He nods, swallowing hard. “This is my third date here, okay? This is my third time trying to find somebody to love me after two failed attempts from this supposedly perfect matchmaking system. I’m feeling a little out of control, mildly psychotic, and you know what, I will just say it, slightly turned on.” Shit, I didn’t want to say that to Danny. Shaking that thought, I continue, “So please be a gent, and scamper behind your little bar and give me more whiskey. Got it?”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“the locker room,” Alex counters. “No way, it has to be on the ice. He’s going to take her to the rink tonight, flip on the scoreboard and play porn while he fucks her over the goal. They’re both wearing skates of course, porn everywhere, blaring through the speakers, there’s a hockey stick involved somehow, and he’s all veiny and sweaty and says things like my semen are scoring tonight.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“Oh my GOD! He’s coming over to your house, isn’t he? I can smell it. I can smell the promise of sweaty, hot hockey sex in the air.” “What’s hockey sex?” Alex asks. “You know . . . the kind where he rips her clothes off, lifts her above his head, and eats her out while spinning around the room like he’s on the ice.” “That’s not fucking hockey sex. That’s figure-skating sex. Hockey sex is more like she holds pucks over her nipples while he fucks her on the bench in”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“You know there have been many people—”

“I’m going to stop you right there.” I smile crazily at him. I can feel the devil trying to peek out. You know, the inner devil all women have, the one who turns us into a flame-throwing, fire-spitting she-dragon when people are least expecting it? I’m teetering the line right now, ready to burn this restaurant to the ground.

To the mother effing ground!”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“I turn toward Dylan, who’s already reaching into her dress and unclasping her bra. The production crew rotates around us, cleaning up and preparing for tomorrow’s show, ignoring Dylan’s impending freeing of her breasts. They’re used to it by now. They know, when the show’s over and the red light has been turned off, Dylan is reaching into her shirt or dress and taking off her bra. I just wish when she did it, she didn’t grunt like a pig digging for truffles.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“Where’s the fun in that?” Nodding at my phone again, he says, “Hand me your phone.” “Hayden, you don’t have to do this.” “I want to. Honestly, I kind of want to see if your brother screams like a girl.” A giant laugh rumbles from the pit of my stomach. Oh my God. He is my people.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“My dearest friend is an author, just like me, but instead of writing raunchy, give-it-to-me-big-dick-daddy sex, she delights readers with non-fiction historical memoirs.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“God, fucking uteruses wanting to rip their linings out together. Be original, stop doing the deed with every other uterus around you, and get your own time slot! I’m tempted to whack my uterus out of spite but refrain.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“Do you think you could get me into the locker room? All I want is to be snapped in the ass by one of the players with a towel. I swear, I’ll pull my pants down and give them the best kind of towel-snapping canvas, all white and creamy. That’s one hell of an offer.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“I mentally applaud Going in Blind. No, an applaud is too tame, I need something more meaningful. I mentally ass slap them, right on the glute, hand to skin, leaving a red mark, a red mark of love. Nothing says thank you like a branded red-slap to the old buttocks.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“Does he like boobs or butts better? My outfit depends on it. If it’s boobs, then strap me up with a push-up bra. If it’s butt, then shuck the underwear, I’m going commando. Damn you, app! Is it boobs or butt? I mentally shake my fist in the air. I was half tempted to message him, so damn tempted to strike up a conversation before we met. Dear sir, do you prefer the bouncy breast or the bubbly butt? Please respond as soon as possible because my outfit depends on it.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“Who’s going to be my ultimate match? Are you going to be a laid-back surfer boy who’s lived his whole life in Malibu? Are you going to be a teacher with a thick stapler in your pants?” I giggle to myself. “Maybe a doctor who loves doing pelvic exams. Wouldn’t mind one of those.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“You can NEVER trust a man with three nipples. Write that down, ladies: three nipples is a no-go, even if they are fun to touch. Love tweaking that nubbin.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“There was Roofus the Doofus with the coifed bouffant and gold tooth. Charlie Three Nips with the penchant to say supposedly in every sentence. And Ryan Big Beard who asked me to condition and braid his wiry man hair every night we were together. The first time was endearing; the second, third, and fourth were just plain creepy.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“Someone who will cuddle on my couch and watch a classic romcom with me. Someone who will challenge me. Someone who is respectful and courteous to others but also has no qualms about shouting at an official while pounding on the glass at a hockey game. We don’t have to be a perfect match, because when is that really the case? But I want our match to be close with a little bit of wiggle room for some give and take, because what’s love without a little bit of compromise, without being able to adapt to your partner and love what they love? It’s the people in our life who mold us, and I’m far from being molded completely.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“sophistically”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“Maybe you didn’t brush your teeth enough.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“Chuckling, looking lighter than ever, he says, “I’m here with my sister and her two munchkins.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates

“A vag high five.”
― Meghan Quinn, Three Blind Dates