Start Here Quotes

“Verbal abuse often leaves a person feeling like they are walking on eggshells, can’t do anything right, anxious, insecure, invalidated, uncertain, and less than. Example:”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse: The cycle of narcissistic abuse is most commonly known as “Idealize. Devalue. Discard.” This cycle is covered in much more depth in the next section.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“their rage is disproportionate and inappropriate to the situation.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“You most likely really want to write them a letter or meet up with them and let them know how much they hurt you or how awful they really are. You may think that in doing this, you will get closure. You won’t. One of two things happens instead: They either blame you for all the abuse, or they pretend to be sorry—and say that they don’t deserve you, or that they are tired of hurting you.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“Release the hope of ever getting closure from them.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“Narc speak often involves a narcissist talking in circles, not staying on topic, or just flat out not making sense.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“And, as always, if you feel like something is off, it’s because something is off.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“Let me be very clear: to let an abusive person know how much they are hurting you will only make the abuse worse, as they now know they are getting to you—and worse, they specifically know what buttons to push. It’s dangerous to treat an abusive relationship as though the issue has to do with communication issues between two people. It doesn’t.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“They may be shocked by the level of contempt the narcissist has for them and realize that the narcissist does not love them or even like them.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“Open, honest, sincere, solutions-oriented communication with a narcissist does not stop them from bullying or taking control away from their targets—if anything, having open, honest, sincere, and solutions-oriented communication often makes things worse, as the narcissist isn’t looking for a solution, they are looking to use, abuse, and exploit their target. The more they know their behavior is working to grind their target down, or the more the target opens up and lets the narcissist know how much their behavior is hurting them, the more the narcissist now knows what their target’s buttons are. They will either continue to push those buttons directly, or they will use any information gained from the target against them to manipulate them in the future.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“Dissociative amnesia (also referred to as “abuse amnesia”): Dissociative amnesia is when a person “forgets” certain incidents surrounding a traumatic event or events—in this case, abusive behavior.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“It really does help to realize that they are doing this intentionally, and their goal is to get a reaction.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“In addition, the narcissist will often accuse their target of saying or doing the very thing that they are, such as wanting to fight, which is an added layer of crazy-making, and leaves the target questioning their reality.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“The narcissist will either stay cool, calm, and collected and act as though they have no idea as to why the target is so upset, or they will become more upset than the target and exclaim that they can’t handle the target’s insecurity, issues, hypersensitivity, craziness, delusional, bipolar, or toxic behavior, and declare that the target needs therapy or medication”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“Verbal abusers tend to attack and slowly and systematically grind down their target’s individuality and sense of self.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“Jane began to doubt herself, and began to wonder if she really was the one with the problem.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“Whenever Jane asked about his “squirrelly” behavior, Ryan accused her of being insecure, paranoid, crazy, and having major trust issues. He would flat out deny that he was hiding his phone and sending other women flirty messages, and he would tell Jane that she needed to see a therapist.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“they may be very affectionate, attentive, and on their best behavior and then out of nowhere, a switch seems to flip and they become cold, cruel, or callous in their treatment of the target.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“These boundary erosions primarily occur when the target is alone with the narcissist, evolve in a slow and steady way, and are often minimized or denied by the abusive person.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

“Feeling anxious or on “high alert” (also called hyper-arousal). You may be jittery or always alert and on the lookout for danger. You might suddenly become angry or irritable. For example: You may have a hard time sleeping, and find yourself having really vivid nightmares. You may have trouble concentrating. You may be startled by loud noises or sudden movements. You might have a hard time trusting others—even people you previously trusted that have done you no wrong.”
― Dana Morningstar, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse