Homesteading in the Calm Eye of the Storm Quotes

“As a self-appointed spokesperson for the importance of feelings, I feel like a pariah among my peers. My poor colleagues are in the thrall of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Scientifically hamstrung CBT barely recognizes the legitimacy of feelings! They are phenomena that must be subjected to affect regulation via processes that can turn people into emotional eunuchs.”
― Pete Walker, HOMESTEADING in the CALM EYE of the STORM: A Therapist Navigates His Complex PTSD

“We graciously accept the patients' blessings but regfrain from PDAs. When we are alone however, it is pretty rorid stuff. I mindlessly slide into denial about how much of our relationship is taking place horizontally.
As lovely as Lynn is, she has little to say for herself. I'm good at eliciting, but she is a master of the monosyllabic. As a recovering codependent I don't like being the only one with something to say.
Three months in, we spend teh whole day in bed, and then adjourn to the nearby cage where she kills a fledgling conversation by panting: "Shut up and kiss me!" She can't or won't understand why this upsets me.
I gerow increasibly uneasy - feeling like I am not gerring to know her. "I'm just very introverted, Pete" becomes less and less reassuring. I feel lonely with her when we're not making love.”
― Pete Walker, HOMESTEADING in the CALM EYE of the STORM: A Therapist Navigates His Complex PTSD

“Later, when I process Betty's death with Eileen, the wise volunteer coordinator, she says: "You know, Pete, the Buddhists say: 'A new baby cries when it comes into the world, but everyone else laughs in delight. But everyone cries when a person dies... except the person, who instead laughs in joy at returning home.'"
"I've got to tell you, Pete, I've been doing this work for a long time, and every time I'm at a deathbed, I feel mildly envious of the person who has just passed.”
― Pete Walker, HOMESTEADING in the CALM EYE of the STORM: A Therapist Navigates His Complex PTSD

“I make the rounds, briefly interacting with conscious patients, and silently dispensing blessings to those who are checked out or comatose. I then settle at Betty's bedside. She releases a shuddering breath and becomes still.

I look closely for evidence of breathing. I occasionally think I see her open eyes shimmer. But then my certainty grows that she has passed. I alternate between humming and meditating for the next hour and finally lay my palm on her forehead and feel a chill settling into her dead body.

My subsequent reaction astounds me. Instead of grief, I feel a great sense of relief. All quality of life ceased long ago for her. She has transitioned.”
― Pete Walker, HOMESTEADING in the CALM EYE of the STORM: A Therapist Navigates His Complex PTSD

“While grieving I realize my mother brainwashed me into taking responsibility for her problems. Helen Walker routinely blamed me for her suffering. Once she blamed me for a hail storm that killed her tulips. She blamed me for her crippling arthritis at least a thousand times. Another time she screamed about having to get false teeth. "You mean-spirited little brat! You're the reason I had to let that dentist torture me.”
― Pete Walker, HOMESTEADING in the CALM EYE of the STORM: A Therapist Navigates His Complex PTSD

“I still occasionally feel angry at the pundits who seduced me into believing that enduring enlightenment is attainable. I mean what are the odds? Maybe the Buddha got there, but I have not met anyone who has experienced anything more than satoris - brief openings of enlightened awareness.
Over the decades I have met numerous gurus and spiritual teachers who claimed to reside permanently in illumination. Whenever I was around them long enough, I soon saw evidence of dissociative delusion or egotistical grandiosity.
The grandiose ones were the most common. The flaws of these "Masters" leaked out commonly as less than kind superiority. Frequently, they sexually or financially exploited their followers. Even those who presented a convincing facade of loving gentleness were typical harsh to their closest devotees when no one else war around.”
― Pete Walker, HOMESTEADING in the CALM EYE of the STORM: A Therapist Navigates His Complex PTSD

“Krishnamurti arrives in a cavalcade of pristine Mercedes Benzes. When he steps out in an expensive white, three piece suit, my heart takes a nose dive. My brain swoops down like a bird to prevent it from crashing . Reassuringly it rationalized: These are probably necessary accountrements of his trade. When he speaks we will be treated to the cystalline wisdom of his books.

Would that it were so! But no, he carries himself and speaks with the postured dignity and accent of a British toffee-nosed, bowler-hatted twit. Even worse, he seems as depressed as I was on the side of the road outside of Algeciras.

On and on, he drones in a somnambulistic murmur. His memorized speech is as worn out as threadbare underwear. I feel terrible sadness from and for him. He is a brilliant writer but how has it helped him? He seems to be an empty husk - unworthy of being emulated.
I try listening to him again on the second day, hoping that my mood might have made me judge him unfavorably. But it is agonizingly the same. I heard better sermons back in childhood from senile Monsignor Dillon at St. Luke's.”
― Pete Walker, HOMESTEADING in the CALM EYE of the STORM: A Therapist Navigates His Complex PTSD