Checking Out Quotes

“I am British, however, so I do the only thing I possibly can at a moment such as this. I go home and put the kettle on.”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“Kitchens always seem to be the place where both good and bad news are generally imparted, have you ever noticed that? Must be something to do with being in such close proximity to the teabags.”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“As I was saying, Hamish and Jonathan have recently split up, and I think the wounds are still fresh, so that’s why Hamish was the way he was tonight.’ She gives me an imploring look. ‘He’s a lovely man usually, Mr James. Honestly.”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“Will I drop dead while using my contactless credit card? Will it be Kyleee who witnesses my demise through her several layers of Tesco-brand make-up? Will she ring for an ambulance in the same dull monotone she employs when interacting with her customers? ‘You gonna pay or what?’ Kyleee says in a flat voice. ‘You’ve gorra wave it a bit closer.”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“I’ve just politely said thank you to the man who’s told me I could die any second.”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“change the things you cannot accept and accept the things you cannot change.”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“I have no particular desire to insert periodicals into another human being’s rectum.”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“Who needs the love of a god when you have the love of a mother,”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“The tea should probably be tasteless, but it isn’t, because it’s bloody tea, and tea makes everything better. At least for a few moments.”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“I then do something so unbearably British that I instantly hate myself. I hold out my hand. ‘Thank you, Mr Chakraborty,’ I tell him as he shakes it. Yes. That’s right. I’ve just politely said thank you to the man who’s told me I could die any second.”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“Is there a Snapchat filter for ‘I’ve just been given a death sentence, please come to my funeral’?”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“I’m being molested by a hairy orange creature with a personality disorder. Now I know what it feels like to be a woman locked in a room with Donald Trump.”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“is”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“That will be a good start, but doesn’t really feel like it’ll be enough. It doesn’t take much effort these days to fill in an online form on the WWF website and give your credit card details.”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“Hi, Nathan,’ she says. ‘My only real question for you is this: you’re only thirty-three . . . what are you going to do with yourself now? Once you’ve done the final tour?’ She grins. ‘Other than go on holiday, that is. The Foodies have been your life for the past half a decade . . . what’s going to fill it up now you’re not going to be working on them any more?”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out

“a small voice. Lasagne man rolls his eyes. ‘You’re not the only one, mate. I had a couple of Hobnobs at half eleven and haven’t had anything since, so get a move on, will you?”
― Nick Spalding, Checking Out