Autism in Heels Quotes

“It’s wondering … always wondering and never understanding: how can I be so smart and still feel so stupid?”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“There are few things as tragic as when we tacitly agree to the notion that our unchangeable truth is somehow invalid. Less than. Broken. Wrong. That pretending is necessary for professional opportunity or personal acceptance. I’ve done it a million times in ways large and small, and I can tell you this: trying to hide in plain sight is frustrating, disorienting, isolating—an exhausting game of (only possible) short-term gains in exchange for very-certain long-term exclusion. When we agree to play, we not only hide and cast doubt upon our experiences. We’ve willingly participated in the invalidation of ourselves.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“When we feel either understimulated or overstimulated, we physically cannot reason, listen, or think about anything else. We can’t just ignore it. We can’t learn. We can’t be spontaneous or fun. We can’t rationalize well. And we can’t hear others’ needs, let alone be certain we understand our own. It’s like trying to see your own reflection in a pot of boiling water. Nothing is clear.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“What’s it like to be us? Too much. We feel too much. React too much. Say too much. Need too much. So says the world. I say: the world is wrong. There is an exquisite trade-off for a life so differently led: complex imagination, limitless curiosity, profound compassion, and restless independent thought. They are the core of everything I am. They will be responsible for whatever legacy I leave behind.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Men who struggle with deadlines or disorganization more frequently find the socially acceptable support of executive assistants, wives, or mothers … they are the “absent-minded professors,” while there is no word for emotional, discombobulated women.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Over the years, they’ve all felt, believed, or said that I was too smart to be so … irresponsible, clueless, inept. And when you hear something often enough from enough people in enough places, you believe it. I certainly did. No matter how hard I’ve tried to dot each i and cross each t, I’ve so often managed to screw up the simple stuff with no better idea of how to prevent another disaster. Humiliated, hurt, and lonely, I felt caught in a hamster wheel, futilely running as hard as I could without actually making progress. Defending my heart again. My character again. Hopelessly explaining myself, again, until even I became sick of my voice.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Being on the spectrum does not, in any way, mean that a woman or a girl is destined to be in an abusive relationship. Not at all. On the contrary, being aware that she is different and of the ways that she is different is the cornerstone to knowing how to empower her. What to teach her to watch for. What to teach her to cherish. To know, above all, that yes, like everyone in the world, there are things she can do and ways she must grow to be the best friend and partner she can be. And before she looks outward, she needs to know herself. Needs to know that without exception, she is believed. That even when her perspective is limited or her reactions feel extreme to others, they are entirely authentic and real for her. That we will honor and love her for them, not in spite of them. More than a promise, that’s a responsibility.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“The most common hit I get is the cringeworthy “You’re autistic? Well, you must be very high-functioning.” Sigh. I understand what they’re trying to say. Really, I do. They mean to be kind. The implication is “I don’t see many—if any—of the clearly debilitating characteristics I associate with autism when I talk to you. So, good on you. You’re not bad off!” Only that’s not a compliment at all. It’s a comparison based on the premise that “autistic” is an insult. A stigma. Or at least a bad thing. Because the only reason someone thinks of me as “high-functioning” is by holding me up to someone who is no more or less autistic—just more obviously challenged—and deciding that they are “lower-functioning.” Really, it’s no different than saying, “Oh! Well, good for you. You’re not too ugly. That gal over there? She’s royally ugly.” Lack of understanding tied up with a bow of condescension.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“The experience of life from within any group has to be described by members of that group.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“And maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to build an authentic, curious, passionate life on the beautifully atypical Belle Curve.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Maybe we’re feeling left out or defective, ashamed or insecure. The feelings get too big and … for many of us, the fix is to binge on treasure troves of sugar and fat: pizza, ice cream, cookies, cheese, chocolate. For a little while, the chemical relief numbs out the hurt. Hurt? Worry? It’s all shoved deep down beneath layers of chips or donuts. Hidden. Out of sight and out of mind. Until the chemical buzz begins to wear off … and it turns out that the feelings never went away. They’re still here. And worse, now there’s self-loathing and shame to add to the mix. So we punish ourselves … until the hurt gets too big, and the cycle starts again. For those of us who starve ourselves, the story isn’t much different. We’re still trying to escape overwhelming feelings—of being a fraud, not good enough, unworthy, a failure. Instead of indulging in cover-up chaos, undereaters (like I was) discover relief—even a sense of power—in artificial control.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Life, they say, is about the journey, not the destination. Well, whoever they are, they are very clearly neurotypical. For spectrum minds, too much choice will halt you in your steps. Waypoints and destinations are the only indications of trajectory.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Impulsivity and a tendency toward perseveration but away from reciprocity lead us to dominate the conversation, redirect the topic back toward our favorite, and interrupt other people frequently. Our limited theory of mind makes it difficult to register when we’re boring or running off those around us—and executive function differences make it incredibly difficult to stop or redirect even when we do. As so often happens, we confuse attention for affection, prioritize accuracy over pleasantry, and instead of interesting and charming, we’ve managed to convey ourselves as self-centered and one-dimensional. Which”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Heightened memories of past threats will increase the wish to disappear, to hide, to avoid the conversation, or just to flat out quit (“flight”). Those same memories—of feeling like a failure, unwanted, or hurt—also make us quicker to anger, and with greater intensity. That’s our shield. We are trying to immediately stop what feels like a threat.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Largely, it’s what we usually refer to as sympathy or compassion—feeling delighted or afraid or concerned or thrilled for someone, doing what we can to alleviate any suffering, and securing them in love. That’s emotional empathy. And that we’ve got in spades.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Alexithymia includes the following: • difficulty identifying different types of feelings • difficulty expressing feelings • difficulty recognizing facial cues in others”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“They’re just different in brains that are neurologically different, regardless of which way the comparison is made. Or, as Charles Addams put it, “Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.” No matter who’s the fly and who’s the spider, it still makes sense.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“The real irony of all this talk about muted sense of self is that the very word autism comes from the Greek root autos, meaning “self” (as in “autograph” and “automobile”). We are self-referenced, certainly. It is so hard to understand others’ experiences of the world that being able to distinguish our wants, desires, and thoughts from anyone else’s is almost impossible. Our minds feel transparent. Not because we have so much sense of self. But because we have so little.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Even in an absence of major incidents, the residue of “little t traumas” accumulates: bullying, educational and professional uncertainty, emotional manipulation, discrepancies between what we perceive or express and what others see or express, and gaslighting (being convinced that mistreatment is the invention of one’s own mind) make it difficult to imagine—much less establish—healthy interpersonal boundaries or a sense of where “I begin and you end.” If others’ reactions are our main source of determining who and how we are, and if, as Dr. Salters-Pedneault asserts, those reactions have been unpredictable and/or scary, we are literally without a framework within which to develop a strong sense of identity”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Like a chameleon … [those with a diffuse sense of self] change who they are depending on their circumstances and what they think others want from them.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Scans showed that each autistic girl’s brain behaved more like that of a typical boy of the same age, which, compared to typical girls, has reduced activity in regions normally associated with socializing. The brain-activity measures of autistic girls would not be considered “autistic” in a boy. Instead, the brain of a girl with autism may be more like the brain of a typical boy than that of a boy with autism.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Adjectives are opinions. Feelings. They are not absolutes.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Cutting. Starving. Compulsive exercising. Drinking. Drugs. Hair pulling. Skin picking. These are not attention-grabbing strategies, or else why would we, who employ them, work so very hard to keep our behaviors secret? They are evidence of poor coping skills. Of terrible anxiety. Of invalidation and loneliness—and shame. Manifestations of anxiety and cognitive rigidity to the point of epidemic levels. Why? It’s all about relief. About trying to escape from your own feelings and experiences of the world that those of us on the spectrum are constantly told are wrong.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“And though I was graduating from our Ivy League school with all As and with honors … I couldn’t face the possibility of embarrassing myself on an entrance exam or being rejected.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Needs to know that without exception, she is believed. That even when her perspective is limited or her reactions feel extreme to others, they are entirely authentic and real for her. That we will honor and love her for them, not in spite of them. More than a promise, that’s a responsibility.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“I didn’t tolerate awful things because I was needy or insecure. I was needy and insecure because I’d had to tolerate awful things. If you believe you are worthy and strong, you will live up to that truth. If you believe you are unworthy of love or happiness, you will live up to that truth, too.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Then again, if your rejections have been soul-deep, you seek out affirmation of equal volume.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Dictionaries for futuristic alien societies. Wiki boards all about hairstyles and social strata from a specific time period. These are all “worlds” where we can imagine ourselves thriving socially—worlds with fixed, clear customs, clothing, and languages that leave a whole lot less room for mistakes.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“Whatever the specifics, give us an encyclopedia (or Wiki page) of information, and we have something to do with our fidgety, restless brains. Memorize. Categorize. Draw. Write about. Dream about. Reenact. Even the very act of collecting information is joyful. The focus is relaxing, like a meditation. The rigor invigorating, like going on a great run. The reliability comforting, a buffer against the mercurial nature of people.”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

“We are told we feel one way when we feel something entirely different. We confuse what expressions are meant to match with which feelings—the ones we feel or the ones they say we feel? Or is that how the other person looks when they feel this way? Or are they feeling what I was actually feeling, not what they said I was feeling?”
― Jennifer O'Toole, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum