A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2 Quotes

“I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU BROKE MY PUPPET STRINGS, BUT PRINCESS GABRIELLE IS MINE!!” a voice boomed loud enough to make Alex’s ears bleed. Alex held a hand to his ears. “Why the hell are you yelling?!” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY AM I YELLING?! I’M NOT—OH, WAIT. I HAVE THE VOLUME SET ON HIGH.” There was a moment of silence, and then… “That’s better. Sorry about that. I always forget to adjust the volume on this thing.” A cough. “Now, then. I will not let you marry Princess Gabrielle! She is mine!”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“Look, it’s not like I don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with my bro, but—” “Oh ho ho ho! You are quite the joker, Alice. My love for Alexander is pure and innocent. Yes, as one who is known as the Queen of Purity, the love that I have for your brother can only be pure in return. Please do not mistake it for something as vile as obsession. Such terms more aptly describe my brother.” “Well, I can’t deny you on that point.” Jameson de Truante was unpleasant at best, an obsessive-compulsive freak at worst, and a narcissistic loser with an ego the size of Mars. Nobody liked him. Not really anyway. People just treated him nicely because he was rich. “Back to my original topic,” Jasmine started. Alice wanted to facepalm, but that would require effort. “Could we please change the subject? Listening to how my best friend wants to bang my older brother is troublesome.” “W-wha—I do not want to ‘bang’ Alexander! I thought I told you, my love for him is—” “Pure. Yes, yes. I know. Your love is so pure. Is that why you have a naked body pillow of my brother at home?” Jasmine nearly fell out of her seat. Her horrified expression was a sight to behold. “H-how did you know about that?” “I didn’t,” Alice said, feeling a jolt course through her. Knowing that her friend really did have a body pillow with her brother on it creeped her out.”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“Gabrielle pressed a button on Mr. Recycle Doggy’s head. The sound of servomotors was heard over the din of dozens of conversations. The dog’s mechanical ears seemed to twitch, and its eyes lit up, glowing a bright green. It turned around, looking at its surroundings, and then it looked up at Gabrielle. Ah, what an amazing invention! Truly, Gabrielle is an astounding genius to be capable of creating something so beautiful! “All right, Mr. Recycle Doggy, show them what you can do and clean up some trash!” Mr. Recycle Doggy responded to her command by searching the area. Jameson leaned forward from where he’d hidden behind a cylindrical recycler, eager to see what sort of wondrous action his Gabrielle’s invention would do. Then the dog’s eyes locked onto him. Its glowing green eyes, which seemed almost hungry. “Bark! Bark!” “Ah! Wait, Mr. Recycle Doggy version four-point-o! Where are you going?” “WAAAAA!!!!!” Jameson screamed like a little girl as the mechanical dog charged at him. Leaping to his feet, he ran away as fast as his legs could carry him. Several hours later, a young couple would find him, unconscious and lying on the walkway, with a robotic dog chewing on what remained of his clothing.”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“Really… you two…” Jasmine sniffled a few times and wiped her eyes before she recovered and took what Alex liked to call her “traditional rich girl pose.” She placed one hand on her hip, thrust out her chest, and placed her other hand near her mouth. “Oh ho ho ho! Very well, Alexander, Alice, I shall grace you both with my magnificent presence. Come, let us travel to your abode.” “Sure,” Alice said. “By the way, we’re watching Titan Girls.” “Oh ho! So, you are still into that childish show, are you? Would it not be better if we watched something more mature, such as—” “Titan Girls.” “Oh ho ho ho! Alice, you are such a kidder!”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“D-don’t look at me like that. Everything that happened was just a series of unfortunate circumstances that I had no control over.” Serah and Ryoko glanced at each other. Then Ryoko, acting as their mouthpiece, looked back at him. “Alex, you destroyed the science lab in sixth grade, set fire to the second floor in seventh, and created a robot army that randomly stripped people of their clothes in eighth. You’re a walking natural disaster.” “Don’t spout off all of my ill-fated disasters like that!” Alex paused, his face scrunched up, and then he realized something and shouted some more. “And that last thing didn’t happen!” “You’re right. I made that up,” Ryoko admitted.”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“Groom-to-be, are you alright?” asked a concerned Azazel as Alex clenched his fists, his eyes burning with determination akin to the undying flames of an arcane god. “All right!” Alex declared. “I can do this! No! I will do this! Nothing will stand in my way from keeping my promise! Hahahaha—BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!” As Alex laughed like a raging lunatic, Azazel backed away ever so slowly. Who knew humans could be so frightening?”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“Realizing that he was lost, Azazel walked up to the nearest citizen, a young woman who was warily turning her head as though waiting for something to leap out and stab her in the neck. “Excuse me!” He boomed. “Could I trouble you for a—” “KYA!” the woman screamed. “MONSTER!” Azazel was stunned into silence as the woman ran away, shrieking like she’d just seen an abominable horror from the far reaches of space. When she disappeared around the corner of a building, he remained standing there for a while longer, and then huffed in indignation. “That was rude,” he said. With nothing else to do but find the next denizen and ask them for directions, Azazel began walking once more. Several minutes passed with more people running from him. It wasn’t long afterward that the loud blaring of sirens alerted Azazel to the arrival of a police shuttle seconds before it came into sight. “You in the armor! Put your hands in the air and surrender yourself! You’re under arrest!” Azazel had no desire to be placed in confinement again. So, he did the only thing that an upstanding and forthright commander of the Angelisian Army would do in such a situation. He ran away. “After him!” The shuttle zoomed forward, hot on his tail. “Why is this happening to me again?!” Azazel’s scream was lost to the din of sirens.”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“Alex is my fiancé!” —when Gabrielle beat him to the punch. “Oh, I see,” Selene said, nodding several times. “He’s your fiancé. That makes sense.” One second passed. Then two. From the slow widening of Selene’s eyes, it seemed like she had finally realized what Gabrielle had just said. “YOU TWO ARE ENGAGED?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!” Selene’s shout was heard for kilometers.”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“He trailed off, his eyes widening further as he looked down and realized something else. Gabrielle was naked. Completely. Buck. Ass. Naked.”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“Hello. How can I help you?” “Hi. Would you mind letting my friend play with some of your animals?” Alex asked. “Not at all. What would you like me to get out?” Alex looked at Kazekiri, who stared at him for a moment as if wondering why he was looking at her. Then her eyes slowly widened. “Oh, um, ah. I’d like to pet…” “What was that?” Alex asked as she trailed off at the end. “I said I want to pet the…” “I couldn’t hear that last part.” Alex leaned in as if doing so would help him hear her. Kazekiri took a deep breath, and then… “I SAID I WANT TO PET THE PUPPIES!”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“Granny Morel—urk!” Alex choked when a sudden pressure threatened to strangle him. Was it just him, or were her eyes glowing a demonic red? “I-I mean, Auntie Morella.”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“Alex narrowed his eyes. “You’re one of her suitors, aren’t you?” There was no other explanation. This man—alien—must have been one of the people that wanted to marry Gabrielle. “I’m not one of her suitors. I am her future husband.” “Did Gabrielle agree to marry you? I don’t think she did.” “It doesn’t matter what the princess wants. This is what I’ve decided, so this is how it’s going to be.” “What?” Shii-rya grinned and puffed out his chest. “I’ve decided to marry Princess Gabrielle. She’s naive and childish, but she has a great body for a humanoid. And I can always train her to act the way I want later. More importantly, by marrying her, I’ll become the Emperor of the Galaxy. Ultimate power will be within my grasp!”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“Alex flipped the switch again. Whir! went Mr. Spatula as it switched from a spatula to a pair of tongs, which he used to grab the veggies and rotate them on his nuclear fusion grill—a fancy and unnecessarily powerful grill that he’d built with his own hands when he was ten.”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2

“Owie.” Gabrielle rubbed her sore backside. Her wings flapped in agitation. “What was that for?” “I-I’m sorry,” Alex said with increasingly wide eyes. “I didn’t mean to…” He trailed off, his eyes widening further as he looked down and realized something else. Gabrielle was naked. Completely. Buck. Ass. Naked.”
― Brandon Varnell, A Most Unlikely Hero, Vol. 2