Stories I'd Tell in Bars Quotes

“Now, if there’s a Hell–and my actions are predicated in anticipation of this–my version, my eternal punishment includes thirty local eight-year-olds dancing the Tarantella.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“We aren’t happy by accident. This is a conscious choice, one that takes daily action.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“donut can give you the kind of hug from inside that celery just can’t muster.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“Pearls are my signature item, my good luck charm, my calling card, if you will, because they add an air of elegance to anything. A string of pearls and a pair of Ray Bans transforms every woman into Audrey Hepburn. Fact.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“Never meet your idols, you’ll only be disappointed.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“Yacht Rock is a big, fat audible Quaalude, washed down with a glass of sangria, laced with trace amounts of cocaine. Yacht Rock is a summer breeze blowing through your mustache and up your bell-bottoms. Yacht Rock smells like Coppertone and piña coladas and Sex Panther.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“When you were in there, I thought, ‘I would take a bullet for her. I would lay down my life for her. I would kill for her. But if she needs me to, like, clean her, she’s gonna have to go ahead and die in there, because I can’t. I cannot.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“We were promised a night of entertainment, which turned out to be thirty local eight-year-olds dancing the Tarantella for three hours.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“Sweat began to pour off me and the contents of my stomach–soft serve ice cream, peach schnapps, and a handful of wax potpourri I’d earlier mistaken for Gummi bears–roiled in an unholy stew. The smell of poached eggs was overwhelming. Without benefit of loafers or coat, I ran outside to vomit in a snowbank. All I could think the entire time was, “Nancy Reagan was right.” After that, I just said no to smoking pot, and, for quite a while, poaching eggs.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“Dog People should be with Dog People and vice versa. If you’re into chasing cars, it’s hard to relate to someone who compulsively bats yarn.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“In marriage, and, truly, in life, someone must have the last word. Think about it; how often is the last word the hill on which we’ll die? We’ve all had times in our lives when the conflict’s finally been resolved and everyone’s about to retreat to a neutral corner and then someone can’t help themselves, saying one more thing, and then, bam! World War III. The last word sets the stage for whatever comes next.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“That’s because unsolicited advice can be the match to the accelerant when all the other person needs is a hug.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“I’d much rather have margaritas with his parents so I could tell them what a great kid they raised.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“Yeah, history repeats itself; it’s called tradition.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“The only possible exception to this rule applies to those of us in Generation X, where the outnumbering Boomers refused to be budged. (Yeah, thanks for that.)”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“Looking back, my abstinence was less a function of convictions and more because I was too much of a dork to be invited to parties. One doesn’t stumble into many dens of iniquity on the way to a speech meet. Let’s be real here. I’d have snorted rails off a hooker’s ass if a preppy guy named Kip or Trip or Chip handed me the straw.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“Love at first sight is only a thing regarding dogs or designer purses.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars

“Cake loves you unconditionally.”
― Jen Lancaster, Stories I'd Tell in Bars