The Self-Driven Child Quotes

“We live in a world where “boredom” is a dirty word, and people often compete to see who’s busier, as if their sense of self-worth could be measured by how little time they have.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“So often, parents want to play Edward Scissorhands and start pruning their child like a tree, but the reality is that your tree has just begun to grow, and you don't even know what kind of tree it is. Maybe it's not a sports tree.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Teachers can teach, coaches can coach, guidance counselors can outline graduation requirements, but there’s one thing only parents can do: love their kids unconditionally and provide them with a safe base at home. For children who are stressed at school or in other parts of their lives, home should be a safe haven, a place to rest and recover. When kids feel that they are deeply loved even when they’re struggling, it builds resilience.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Don't try to carpet the world when it's far easier to give out slippers.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“The adolescent brain makes important new pathways and connections, but the cognitive functions of the prefrontal cortex, the seat of judgment, don’t mature until around age twenty-five. (The emotional control functions follow at around thirty-two!)”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Without a healthy sense of control, kids feel powerless and overwhelmed and will often become passive or resigned. When they are denied the ability to make meaningful choices, they are at high risk of becoming anxious, struggling to manage anger, becoming self-destructive, or self-medicating.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“In fact, a recent study showed that other than showing your child love and affection, managing your own stress is the best thing you can do to be an effective parent.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Therapist and writer Lori Gottlieb wrote an article for the Atlantic questioning why so many of her twentysomething patients were unaccountably depressed, even though they had great parents and on the surface great lives. This category of patients stumped her until she discovered the right questions to ask. “Back in graduate school,” she wrote, “the clinical focus had always been on how the lack of parental attunement affects the child. It never occurred to any of us to ask, what if the parents are too attuned? What happens to those kids?”2”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Start with the basics, by adopting the following three precepts when it comes to your kids: “You are the expert on you.” “You have a brain in your head.” “You want your life to work.” When you buy into these three things, it’s much easier to tell your kid, “It’s your call. I have confidence in your ability to make informed decisions about your own life and to learn from your mistakes.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“We really can’t control our kids—and doing so shouldn’t be our goal. Our role is to teach them to think and act independently, so that they will have the judgment to succeed in school and, most important, in life. Rather than pushing them to do things they resist, we should seek to help them find things they love and develop their inner motivation. Our aim is to move away from a model that depends on parental pressure to one that nurtures a child’s own drive. That is what we mean by the self-driven child.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“If you believe in education and hard work, and want your children to as well, we don’t recommend scolding them each time they come home with a subpar grade. Though you may think it’s the best way to communicate values, it’s actually counterproductive because it signals conditional love. Chances are that they are already irked by the grade, so offer a sympathetic, “I know this is upsetting to you. I know you worked hard on that. I’d be happy to talk through things to help you for next time, if you want.” Note that this response is sympathetic (relatedness). You’re also reminding your child that there are ways to get a better outcome next time (competence). And by ending it with “if you want,” they see they are in control, that you’re a consultant, not a manager (autonomy).”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“competence is more about our feeling that we can handle a situation than it is about being really great at something. It’s about feeling consciously competent, not about having an “I’m the Best!” trophy on a shelf. It’s an internal rather than external barometer of accomplishment.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“It’s common for a mom or dad to weep quietly when discussing their child’s difficulties and then say, “I just want him to feel good about himself.” After passing the tissues and waiting for the feelings to settle down, Bill says, “It’s hard to help Robert (or Tim, or Edward) feel good about himself if we’re worried sick about him.” It’s common sense. If we’re unable to accept our kids as they are, how can we expect them to accept themselves?”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“What to Do Tonight Tell your child, “You’re the expert on you. Nobody really knows you better than you know yourself, because nobody really knows what it feels like to be you.” Give your child a choice about something you may have previously decided for her. Or ask her opinion about something. (If they’re young, you can frame it as, “Do you think we should do it this way or that way?”) Have a family meeting where you problem solve together about what chores need to be done and who should do them. Give them options. Could they walk the dog instead of doing the dinner dishes? Take out the trash instead of cleaning the toilet? Do they want to do it each Sunday or each Wednesday? Morning or night? Keep a consistent schedule, but let them choose that schedule. Make a list of things your child would like to be in charge of, and make a plan to shift responsibility for some of these things from you to him or her. Ask your child whether something in his life isn’t working for him (his homework routine, bedtime, management of electronics) and if he has any ideas about how to make it work better. Do a cost-benefit analysis of any decision you make for your child that she sees differently. Tell your child about decisions you’ve made that, in retrospect, were not the best decisions—and how you were able to learn and grow from them. Have a talk in which you point out that your kid has got a good mind. Recall some times when he’s made a good decision or felt strongly about something and turned out to be right. If he’ll let you, make a list together of the things he’s decided for himself that have worked well. Tell your teen you want him to have lots of practice running his own life before he goes off to college—and that you want to see that he can run his life without running it into the ground before he goes away. Emphasize logical and natural consequences, and encourage the use of family meetings to discuss family rules or family policies more generally (e.g., no gaming during the week).”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“For most judgment lapses, though, we suggest asking Dr. Phil’s question, “How’d that work for you?” and discussing ways to make better decisions next time.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“So what does “It’s your call” mean? Most simply: When it comes to making decisions about your kids’ lives, you should not be deciding things that they are capable of deciding for themselves. First, set boundaries within which you feel comfortable letting them maneuver. Then cede ground outside those boundaries. Help your kids learn what information they need to make an informed decision. If there’s conflict surrounding an issue, use collaborative problem solving, a technique developed by Ross Greene and J. Stuart Albon that begins with an expression of empathy followed by a reassurance that you’re not going to try to use the force of your will to get your child to do something he doesn’t want to do. Together, you identify possible solutions you’re both comfortable with and figure out how to get there. If your child settles on a choice that isn’t crazy go with it, even if it is not what you would like him to do.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Teachers can teach, coaches can coach, guidance counselors can outline graduation requirements, but there’s one thing only parents can do: love their kids unconditionally and provide them with a safe base at home. For children who are stressed at school or in other parts of their lives, home should be a safe haven, a place to rest and recover. When kids feel that they are deeply loved even when they’re struggling, it builds resilience. Battling your child about due dates and lost work sheets invites school stress to take root at home. So instead of nagging, arguing, and constant reminding, we recommend repeating the mantra, “I love you too much to fight with you about your homework.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“With authoritative parenting, the child’s developing brain doesn’t spend enormous amounts of energy resisting what’s often in their own best interest.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Third, and this is perhaps the most critical point, you can’t force a kid to do something he’s dead set against. Buying into the idea that you should and must try will just end up frustrating you when it doesn’t work. You’ve probably heard of the Serenity Prayer, the one that goes like this: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” It’s a good thing to keep in mind as a parent. We have a coda that spells things out even more clearly: You can’t make your kids do something against their will. You can’t make your kids want something they don’t want. You can’t make your kids not want what they want. It’s okay, at least right now, for them to want what they want and not want what they don’t want.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Second, when parents work harder than their kids to solve their problems, their kids get weaker, not stronger. If you spend ninety-five units of energy trying to help your child be successful, he or she will spend five units of energy.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Let us make one thing clear: we don’t think it’s possible to protect kids from all stressful experiences, nor would we want to. In fact, when kids are constantly shielded from circumstances that make them anxious, it tends to make their anxiety worse. We want them to learn how to deal successfully with stressful situations—to have a high stress tolerance.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“So what does a sense of control have to do with all of this? The answer is: everything. Quite simply, it is the antidote to stress. Stress is the unknown, the unwanted, and the feared.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“We need to set clear ground rules, while keeping in mind that our ultimate goal is not to produce compliant children as much as children who understand how to act and interact successfully in this world.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Bill encouraged them to think differently about their role in their daughter’s life. “What can we do to make sure that if we pull back, she will want to take steps to move forward?” they asked. “What happens if she gets discouraged and doesn’t do it?” Bill reminded them that they can’t make their daughter want what she doesn’t want and they can’t make her do what she doesn’t want to do. He also pointed out that it couldn’t be their responsibility to make sure that her life was successful, and that their job was to support her, express empathy, set limits when necessary, and model assertiveness.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Often what we think of as a cataclysmic setback is really nothing more than a ripple. Parents tend to worry far into the future, thinking, “If he gets stuck now, he’ll always be behind.” But that’s not true. Most development of children’s brains happens just by getting older. Letting them get stuck every once in a while, while you’re available to help them get out of the ditch, can actually help them grow.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“This question speaks to one of the assumptions we need to get to the bottom of: that life is a race with one clear route to the finish line. That’s simply not true. We understand that children develop at different rates physically and mentally and the same is true of the rest of their development.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“But that’s just it: he needs room to develop. Kids need responsibility more than they deserve it. For most adolescents, and even for younger kids, waiting until they are mature enough to get all their homework done and to turn it in on time before giving up the enforcer role means you’ve waited too long.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“After all, we invest a lot in our children, and it can be terrifying to realize how little control we really have. But our years of experience have taught us that trying to force kids to do things you think are in their own best interest will compromise your relationship and waste energy that could be spent building them up in other ways.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“So how do you capitalize on positive or tolerable stress while avoiding the bad kind? It is simple in theory, but tricky in execution: kids need a supportive adult around, they need time to recover from the stressful event, and they need to have a sense of control over their lives.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“If you have confidence that you can impact a situation, it will be less stressful. In contrast, a low sense of control may very well be the most stressful thing in the universe.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives