Black Ops Quotes

“I was wondering; there are bi-scuits, and tri-scuits, right? So, is there a plain ‘scuit’? What would that look like?”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Ha! Listen, this guy walks into a bar, with a shopping bag, right? He sits down, puts the bag on the bar. Something in the bag is moving, and the bartender says ‘Hey, buddy, no animals in here’. You with me, Jones?” “Yah.” “The guy is looking real unhappy, totally down in the dumps, he reaches in the bag. He pulls out a brass lantern, then a small piano, a little stool, and finally a little guy in a tuxedo, about a foot tall. The little guy sits on the stool and starts playing the piano. Playing the piano, right?” “Yah. Got, it.” “Bartender says,” Williams’ grasp on a handhold slipped for a heart-stopping moment before the suit gloves restored their sticky grip. He could see the problem was some sort of fluid leaking from the access hatch above had coated the handhold. He moved his hand to the left to avoid the slippery fluid, and continued climbing down. “Bartender says, ‘That’s amazing, where’d you get him?’ Guy points to the lamp. ‘Magic genie granted me a wish, But he don’t hear so well-’ Before the guy can stop him, the bartender grabs the lamp, rubs it and shouts ‘I want a million bucks!’. POOF! The bar is filled with ducks! Ducks everywhere, under the tables, in the street outside, feathers flying all over the place. The bartender says ‘What the hell?’ So the guy says ‘I told you the genie don’t hear so well. You really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“If you're gonna be a dick, this is what you wear.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Two guys in an English pub, one says ‘From your accent I guess you are Irish’. Second guy says, ‘Yes, from Dublin’. ‘Me too!’ first guy says. ‘I was raised in Drimnagh, went to St. Mary’s school’. ‘Drimnagh? St. Mary’s?’ Second guy can’t believe it. ‘I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1982’. First guy slaps his forehead. ‘Faith and begorah. I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1982 also!’ Bartender says,” Jones paused for breath, “he says to himself ‘This is going to be a long night. The Murphy twins are drunk again’.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“First, no plan survives contact with the enemy. Second, the enemy also makes plans.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“We could go directly from, say, Atlanta to Duluth, instead of going Atlanta-Dallas-Chicago-Detroit-Duluth. Except, of course, there is no reason for anyone to ever to go to Duluth.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“The situation of the Kristang reminded me of an old TV show my sister found and binge-watched; you needed a spreadsheet to keep track of the characters, and everyone dies anyway.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“the theoretically perfect black operation, he called it ‘Pitch Black’,” she said with an admiring smile. “You’ve already done that.” “I did? How? When was that?” “Colonel, you destroyed a Kristang battlegroup, and you got the Ruhar to station a battlegroup at Paradise, and no one knows an op was even conducted.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Level Two is a black op where you put the blame on someone else.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Level One is a black op where the enemy does not know an operation is being conducted, until it is underway and too late for the enemy to react in time to stop it.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Larry, Moe, and Curly.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“We fight the wars. Politicians start them.” Chotek nodded, and sighed heavily. “And diplomats end wars.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“I like pineapple.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“The enemy was not waiting for death, they hit back, concentrating all their fire on the cruiser Never Tell Me The Odds, knocking back that ship’s shields and forcing it to break away.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“We parachuted into an alien city, dropped missiles off a roof, fell down an elevator shaft, played cop, stole a lorry, got flushed down a sewer and then chased up a tree by a monster. On Earth that would be remarkable, but for the Merry Band of Pirates,” he shrugged, “we call that ‘Tuesday’.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Not believing his incredible luck, Skippy instantly decided to carpe the hell out of that diem and sent revised instructions to the quartet of missiles, along with the ‘Go’ code to arm them.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“My mother told me small talk was important because it established a bond between the people speaking. Even a useless comment like ‘nice weather today’ was an attempt to open a discussion, make a connection with another person.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Join UN ExForce, I thought. See the galaxy, meet new people, and nuke them!”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“the official motto of the Merry Band of Pirates should be ‘Trust the Awesomeness’. Based on our track record, I thought a more accurate motto would be ‘Lurching from One Crisis to Another’.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“This war out here makes the Middle East look tidy and organized.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Major?” Robertson’s voice was quiet. “Something is coming.” “How do you know?” Smythe’s visor could not see anything useful. The undergrowth extended three or four meters tall all around, blocking his view. “This dinosaur detector says so,” Robertson pointed the barrel of his rifle to a puddle. As Smythe watched, the puddle shook and formed a ripple.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“In a blink, his avatar changed to fat guy wearing a cheap plaid suit and what my grandfather used to call the ‘Full Cleveland’ outfit: white belt and matching white shoes.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“she looks at and tries a hundred pairs of shoes, and it takes hours while you slowly lose your will to live, and in the end she leaves the store with either nothing, or a pair of shoes exactly like the ones she was already wearing”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Apparently, you never watched the ‘A Team’. The guys on that show could empty an entire magazine and never hit the side of a barn, from inside a barn.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Party on, dudes!”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“the big problem is the lubricant contaminating the shaft.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Wars always kill more of the innocent than the combatants.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“know it’s not a psychic; those are the women on late-night TV who will tell your future if you just give them your credit card. Which always made me wonder; wouldn’t a real psychic already know your credit card number?”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“The fault is not in our stars, but in ourselves,”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops