Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame Quotes

“Those with borderline personality disorder often project their fears onto others and therefore unconsciously push others away by their clinginess, controlling behaviors, and anger. In effect, this creates a self-fulfilling prophesy such that they make their fears come true by unconsciously pushing people away since they feel so certain that others will reject them. “Better to reject than be rejected.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“There are stages to awakening. The first stage perhaps is to recognize that we are essentially asleep. Acknowledging the reactive emotional states that arise from our slumber may thus serve as a critical stage in our journey to awakening. The louder the “knock” on the door, the greater our motivation to respond to its summoning. Shame, by its painful nature, can provide such a “knock” and perhaps provide an impetus to stir us from our slumber.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“there are no enemies to be opposed. There is just energy, neither good nor bad, positive or negative.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Shame is something they experience -- it is not who they are.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“By fighting shame, one is feeding the beast. Rather, shame, which can only exist in the shadows of our mind, needs to be exposed to the light of attention. The mechanism of exposure is very simply that… our attention!”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Shame is not an experience to be treated, cured, managed or corrected. This statement is often initially perceived as quite a disappointment for many, and understandably so. Shame, as any of the so-called “dark emotions,” can be exquisitely uncomfortable. As discussed at other points, it can literally suck the joy out of one’s heart. I often picture shame as akin to a “dementor” for those familiar with the Harry Potter books. So, of course, one would desire to be rid of shame. But it will take much more than the “expecto petronum” charm to work with shame. Shame is very sticky stuff…almost literally. The more one endeavors to fight it, the more it can suck one into its gooey depths.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“As one maintains deep attention and open acceptance towards all that arises, habitual patterns of emotional reactivity can begin to gradually dissipate.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“One can ultimately come to respond to emotional experiences in a more measured and balanced manner - neither ignoring the important information they contain, nor blindly acting upon them.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Research shows that the amount of time one spends engaging in these exposure exercises (CS exposure), is proportionally associated with the amount of personal growth and symptom resolution.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“She was almost completely unable to ask for assistance since shame conditioning taught her that to do so was to be incapable and weak. She also learned to bury her anger which contributed to jaw pain (temperomandibular joint pain) and other medical issues since she very apparently carried a number of unexpressed emotions in her body.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Just the act of facing the “demon” and standing resolute in the face of previously avoided emotional experiences fosters a deep and abiding sense of power and decreased victimization. Their world immediately starts to open and new choices and opportunities almost magically seem to appear as their realm of allowed experience expands.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Reader Exercise: Personal Shame Inventory (Revised) Please respond by circling the number that best corresponds to how you feel about each statement at this point in time for each item: 0 corresponds to never true, 1 is seldom true, 2 is sometimes true, 3 is often true, 4 is always true. 1)​Do you have difficulty accepting compliments from others? 0 1 2 3 4 2)​Do you often apologize to others? 0 1 2 3 4 3)​Is it difficult to look into another’s eyes when speaking? 0 1 2 3 4 4)​Do you find it difficult to “be yourself” in social settings? 0 1 2 3 4 5)​Do you berate yourself for making mistakes? 0 1 2 3 4 6)​Do you feel as though you are not good enough? 0 1 2 3 4 7)​Do you worry about how you are perceived by others? 0 1 2 3 4 8)​Do you frequently compare yourself to others? 0 1 2 3 4 9)​Do you dismiss or trivialize your accomplishments? 0 1 2 3 4 10)​Do you feel guilty when you are relaxing? 0 1 2 3 4 11)​Do you feel that you are not OK as you are? 0 1 2 3 4 12)​Do you feel ugly? 0 1 2 3 4 13)​Do you feel envious of the accomplishments of others? 0 1 2 3 4 14)​Is it difficult to believe that you can be loved as you are? 0 1 2 3 4 15)​No matter how much you achieve, do you feel it isn’t good enough? 0 1 2 3 4 16)​Do you feel you should be punished? 0 1 2 3 4 17)​Do you have difficulty making decisions? 0 1 2 3 4 18)​Do you second-guess the decisions and choices you’ve made? 0 1 2 3 4 19)​Do you feel you should be doing more or working harder? 0 1 2 3 4 20)​Do you wish you were someone else? 0 1 2 3 4”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“When we are mindful, attentive and awake to our emotional experience, we tend to express rather than act out feelings. So one can say, using one’s big boy or girl words, “I am really angry at you right now.” Contrast that with, “Why do you always have to be such an asshole?”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“For example, we confuse the experience of anger (emotion), with acting out angrily (reactive emotion). But actually one can experience anger without acting it out. This does not require “controlling” or even “managing” anger. In fact such endeavors are likely to produce a further escalation to the problem. Rather, we must learn to bring more attention into the experience of anger. Reactive or reflexive emotionality only occur in the absence of presence!”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“How does one fix lazy? You can’t. That is just how you are. However, once shame is recognized as playing a causal influence on behavior, it then provides an understanding that can lead to actionable modifications.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“We cannot in fact see shame since we are shame. One cannot see the mountain they are standing on when standing at the top. However, the good news is that this is all conditioned mind. Therefore, as real as the experience feels, it is upon closer inspection, of no inherent substance.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“This essentially is the law of karma. The word karma literally translates as “seeds of action.” Each time we carry out a thought or action, it leaves a residue or trace. Every causal condition is an effect of a prior condition but in turn leaves a seed for further causation. Once seeds are planted and nurtured through repetitive reactive cycles, the associations strengthen each time they are practiced or rehearsed. The moral or message is “Be careful what you think.” However, since we really don’t control what we think. So perhaps the better lesson may be, “Pay attention to what you think.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“The essential point here is to help those suffering from shame or other persistent difficult emotions to recognize that much of these experiences are the result of conditioned mind. They are essentially the byproduct of programming run amuck…a flaw in the “matrix,” if you will. If you buy this notion, then the implications are momentous. Principally, it would mean that the program is susceptible to modification. Just recognizing that it is a program, born of conditioning, is in itself a large part of achieving liberation. But this liberation is achieved by acceptance, that this is a program, and not through any endeavor to override the program with different programming. That would just keep the problem, born of illusion, going. Ultimately, what we need to learn is that though the program is warning us of danger or some non-descript peril, causing us to run, fight or freeze, there in fact is no peril. The only way to recognize is to risk not reacting and finding out for ourselves that the signal was aberrant…a mistake.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“While we certainly cannot ignore the threat of terror, we must also recognize that the perception of threat far outweighs the actual level of danger. Many more people are destined to die in this country from suicide, highway accidents, heroin overdoses, domestic gun violence, and so on. Our reactive conditioned brain is now threatening not only our capacity to break out of suffering at an individual level, but when whole countries and civilizations act reactively, our survival as a species may be threatened. So we either need to spiritually evolve or we may be relegated to the “discard” pile of evolution.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“when a group of rats that were housed in a low stress environment had full access to heroin in their enclosure, these rats showed zero interest in the drug. In contrast, rats living in a high stress environment all became addicted to heroin! The implication of this study is enormous. Drug seeking behavior is not the result of drug availability, but rather environmental conditions that give rise to distress without other available coping mechanisms. Such environmental conditions increase the drive to escape this distress through the consumption of drugs.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“For example, a person with obsessive-compulsive disorder may hand wash to reduce fears of contamination. A person may overeat to avoid feelings of aloneness. One might avoid public settings to reduce feelings of shame or fears of abandonment, disapproval or rejection. An individual may consume drugs or alcohol to escape feelings of aloneness, alienation, shame and emptiness. The list of such avoidant and escape strategies is near endless.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?”
-RUMI”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“For those who are defined by shame, this will not necessarily be easy. The act of simply sitting and being may elicit guilt or anxiety. One who is shame-based is conditioned to believe that they must be constantly doing something to legitimize their existence. If that is the case, just pay attention to whatever feelings arise. As you watch intently, you just may find that the feelings arise and ebb on their own accord. Try not to get into a control war or tell yourself what you should or should not be thinking. Just sit and watch with openness and attention. In time, the rest will take care of itself. And remember, as stated by John Lennon, “There is no place you can be where you weren’t meant to be.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“In order to learn to face shame or any other difficult emotional experience, it will be of tremendous value to simply be open to this moment, no matter what this moment holds.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“To be anxious is to live in the future, to be depressed is to live in the past, to be peaceful is to be present.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“There are a number of good reasons that certain people learn to withdraw attention from certain aspects of emotional experience. Often, it is learned as a survival tactic during childhood, especially when the pain of everyday life overwhelms one’s capacity to cope. So, if one’s early home life is characterized by broken attachments to primary caregivers, sexual or physical abuse, domestic violence, or even just the lack of parental attunement and validation of the child’s feelings and needs, then the result may be that one learns to retreat from themselves.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“It is a mechanism of coping with a world that is too painful or confusing, especially when one is young and doesn’t have the resources to cope. Further, we are trained in a variety of ways to suppress and control our thoughts, feelings and even our perceptions, whether by active punishment or, at the very least, the lack of parental validation of our experiences.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“we are the most crazy when we are the most unconscious.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Pulling attention away from pain is the cause of much suffering and psychiatric symptoms and syndromes. I believe it can be stated that there is a parallel between our degree of present focused attention (or the lack thereof) and the magnitude of psychiatric illness.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind

“Research is mounting which demonstrates how emotional labeling and other aspects of emotional mindfulness can positively influence brain functioning. Decreased activity in the midbrain structures associated with aggression and anxiety as well as increased activity in forebrain areas associated with planning, impulse control, and “executive functions” has been demonstrated. Thus the emotionally mindful brain appears to operate as a coordinated whole, as opposed to fractionated neural responding that seems to underlie reactive emotional responding.”
― Jerry D. Duvinsky, Perfect Pain/Perfect Shame: A Journey into Radical Presence: Embracing Shame Through Integrative Mindful Exposure: A Meeting of Two Sciences of Mind