The Last Black Unicorn Quotes

“You kill them with your success. Then they’ll have to kiss your motherfucking feet.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“So I ended up getting out of pimping, because I didn’t make much money. It’s just not a lucrative business, selling dick. Dick ain’t really all that hard to come by.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“He’s ashamed of himself, because he left you when you were three, did nothing for you, and you ended up being very successful without him, and then you buy him stuff. You are not only a better person than he is, but you are kind and responsible where he is not, and you’re providing where he did not. Not just as his child, but as a woman, providing for him. Your goodness holds up a mirror to his ugliness, and that is too painful for him, so he has to project this onto you, by saying you make him feel less about himself. It’s nothing you did. It’s guilt.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“Everyone has their own personal pain and their own demons, and no one will talk about it, and that’s why they never get better. They’re all afraid to talk about it.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“I believe my purpose is to bring joy to people, to make them laugh, and to share my story to help them. To show people that no matter what, they matter, and they can succeed. No matter how bad things go, no matter how dark your life is, there is a reason for it. You can find beauty in it, and you can get better. I know, because I’ve done it. That’s why my comedy so often comes from my pain. In my life, and I hope in yours, I want us to grow roses out of the poop.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“You know how white people do, they just encourage and cheer anybody who lets it all hang out and just don't give a fuck.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“Unless it was making them look good in some kind of way. Me just being myself was never good enough for anyone to love me.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“That man hadn’t wanted to dance at first, and I made him, and then I booty popped him . . . and now he’s dead! I just felt like a booty assassin.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“It’s easy to game school, once you realize that the rules are bullshit and you can get around them.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“That’s why I think my life turned out as good as it has. Because all the time, I’m just trying to have fun.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“I’m a survivor, and all this struggle I went through—while it sucked at the time—is really helping me now. It has helped me get to where I am, and it will help me continue to improve and do better. It didn’t always feel like it at times, but I truly believe I am blessed.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“my heart, I was so hurt and mad . . . but also I felt like that was so funny. Who throws a huge, broke-ass rearview mirror at people?”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“When we black women repeat our words, you know shit is bad.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“But it didn’t work out like that. I couldn’t get into the gang. Gangbanger: “You too cute. You gonna be something one day. You can come and kick it, but you can’t gangbang with us. If you want a drink or something, you can have a drink.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“The only downside to the Bar Mitzvahs was that I killed a man once.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“all my wins are lessons and all my failures are lessons that will one day become wins.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“In stand-up, you do need to be having fun up there like Richard Pryor said, but you have to know yourself well, too. You have to know when you make different faces, or do different things, you get certain reactions. You start learning and it’s like playing a piano. You just know exactly what keys to stroke, ’cause really with comedy, you’re like fiddling with people’s souls. You resonate on the same frequency as them, trying to get them to relate.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“Just do your shit. You ain’t gotta tell everybody you got a movie. Just do the fucking movie, Tiffany. Like don’t tell people where you’re at, because they’re going to come for you. They’re going to come for you. Because people will be trying to do bad stuff. They think bad thoughts, and they jealous, and they will try to fuck you up.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“DJ Timbo: “Tiffany, your ass is not deadly.” Tiffany: “No, my ass is deadly. That man is dead.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“I became an “energy producer” at Bar Mitzvahs. Energy producer is what white suburban people call a “hype man.” I was basically the Flava Flav of Bar Mitzvahs.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“That exchange basically sums up Titus. Sneaky and small-time.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“But to this day, if I have words with somebody, I never walk past them. I never turn my back on them. Now I’m always watching people. I’ve never had that problem with somebody hitting me in the back of the head no more. Never again after that.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“I didn’t have the uniform yet. It was too big for me, so I had my grandma do alterations on it. I had a T-shirt, and I wrote on it in big black letters: “Will have uniform in 2 weeks. Grandma doin’ it.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“You know, because women be peeing themselves after they have babies.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“Eritrean.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“Eritrea,”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“Every man is going to think of you as property. That’s why they want to put they last name on your name. Then you’re their property. So you want to make sure whoever you end up with knows how to maintain their property. See yourself as a house. You have to view yourself as the house on the highest part of the hill. You can’t let everybody come into your house. They can’t catch no bus to your house. They can’t ride no bike to your house. They got to have a nice car with four-wheel drive to get up to your house.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“At first people were laughing ‘cause they thought I was just playin’. Then I pull my hair off, I took my shoes off, I took my earrings off, I bawled up my fists all furious and I started praying in the microphone: “Heavenly Father give me the strength and power to beat this girl down to the ground and teach her she ain’t never supposed to be disrespectful to anybody because I give zero fucks Lord, just give me the power to whip her ass. All these things I ask in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen”. I guess it was the way I said it because people stopped laughing.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“It's where the bros drink their brews, and the surfers sip their hurricanes, and they all just white together.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn

“DJ Timbo: “Tiffany, that man was old. It was his time. He was probably happy. It was probably the first time he ever danced with a black girl in his life. It was the happiest moment of his life.”
― Tiffany Haddish, The Last Black Unicorn