How To Be Dead #1-3 Quotes

“Very little social networking goes on. The majority of people just complain about things. Or complain about people complaining about things. Or complain about people complaining about the complainer and how the complainer is oppressing the original complainer's right to complain about things. And share pictures of cats in people clothes.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“Death liked the English. He enjoyed the real ale, biscuits and cricket. Any nation that could invent a game that went on for five days and invariably ended in a draw truly grasped the futility of existence.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“I wouldn't call us henchmen.'
'Then what's m job title?'
Anne thought this over for a moment. 'Trainee With Afterlife Transition Senses.'
'That spells T.W.A.T.S'
'Does it?' Anne asked innocently.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead Books 1 - 3

“The Ten Commandments? They're such a downer. Don't get me wrong. They're a very good starting point, but they're so negative. Thou shalt not do this and thou shalt not do that. What about things you shalt? Thou shalt have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit, for example.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“Jesus, you're so tight that you'd probably skin your own farts for the grease.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“Life isn't about being brave. It's about getting through it even though you're scared,”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“It was all about control. They were all so sure that somebody else had it. The world was full of both terrible and wonderful things. When they couldn't understand something, they saw a conspiracy orchestrated by the powerful. The human mind was designed to recognise patterns and often saw them where none existed.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“The tragedy of life is that everything dies. The blessing of it is that nobody knows when. He wished the world would grasp that fact.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“You don't have to worry if you dream of Death. No, you only have to worry if Death dreams of you.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“The tragedy of life is that everything dies. The blessing of it is that nobody knows when.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“Glad to have you on board, Dave. The pay's terrible and the hours are awful, but I'll offer you this one bit of career advice. There's no 'I' in team. But there is 'tea'. So put the kettle on,' he said before disappearing into his office.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“Everybody thinks that they are the star of the story of life, but Dave knew that he was just a bit part; a minor character, a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo in the drama that was humanity.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“Yes, everything happens for a reason,' Death said, 'but sometimes the reason is that life is cold, random and awful. Like telephone banking. I need a biscuit.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“Humanity. I love you all, but you've really got to stop being wankers to each other. When will you learn? Whatever your gender, race, religion or sexual orientation, you're all as insignificant as each other. Lots of you are going to be very embarrassed when you find out there's no supreme being, no divine plan and we're all just making it up as we go along.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“If Star Trek has taught humanity one thing, it's how to bang hot alien chicks. If Star Trek has taught humanity two things, it's also that you will transcend your corporeal forms and become entities of pure energy. I don't know where you'd put your bloody car keys, though.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“He'd always considered the British reaction to the loss of a loved one slightly odd. While other cultures wailed and gnashed their teeth in sorrow, or celebrated the life that had touched them, the British always stared into the dark abyss, gave a collective shrug and went back to talking about the weather.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“Dave believed that Gary was a man who would start an argument with himself if left alone in a room for long enough. As far as Gary was concerned, the glass was not only half empty; it also contained a mind control drug placed there by the military-industrial complex. He had recently split up with his girlfriend by telling her: 'It's not you. It's them.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“I've written a haiku about relationships.' He pushed a scrap of paper across the table. Gary picked it up and scanned the words. 'You've just written the word "AAARGH!" seventeen times?' 'I admit that it needs some work.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead Books 1 - 3

“The way Luke, Yoda and Obi Wan kept banging on about their religion, it's obvious they saw it as a holy war.' 'Yeah, but those space teddy bears were cute.' 'Ewoks? Ewoks cook their prisoners and use the helmets of dead Stormtroopers as drums. You call them space teddy bears, I call them war criminals. And another thing. Even though he can backflip and lightsaber duel, Yoda claims he needs to use a walking stick. What's that all about? Apart from”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead Books 1 - 3

“Yes, everything happens for a reason,' Death said, 'but sometimes the reason is that life is cold, random and awful.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead Books 1 - 3

“Some days you are Godzilla. Other days you are Tokyo.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead Books 1 - 3

“Why did the chicken cross the road?' repeated Death.
Anne sipped her cup of tea. 'I visited a farm when I was a girl. Have you ever looked into the cold, unfeeling eyes of a chicken? Some things are best left unknown.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead Books 1 - 3

“Play Free Bird!' Death chuckled to himself,”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“Death was glad that he had stood at the furthest point that the room would allow. He was deeply suspicious of any instrument whose sound was improved the greater the distance between the performer and the listener.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“The four months he'd worked for Death had taught him about the vast, frightening randomness of life, but love was a conspiracy of two. They were atoms clinging together, tumbling and spinning through the infinitesimally small gap between birth and the grave. Love was a binding force.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“This was where he spent the rest of the day, in meeting after meeting. At one point he was pretty sure he was having a meeting about a meeting he was going to have later in the day. Dave reckoned that he could recreate his work day by slamming his head in a door while someone poured cold coffee over him and repeatedly shouted, 'Synergies!'.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“She was no moon. She was a space station. Even dressed in a cheap witch's costume, the very air around her seemed to glow. Dave had never been in love before but, if love felt like a fat man - on a space hopper made of pure misery - bouncing on your heart until all that was left was soul-crushing pain, he was pretty sure that this was the real thing.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“Fiona's phone beeped. The call to prayer. Targets and milestones. Paradigms and synergies. Forever and ever. Amen.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead #1-3

“Gary thought for a moment, then said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last very long if you're morbidly obese.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead Books 1 - 3

“love was a conspiracy of two. They were atoms clinging together, tumbling and spinning through the infinitesimally small gap between birth and the grave. Love was a binding force.”
― Dave Turner, How To Be Dead Books 1 - 3