Slouch Witch Quotes

“From somewhere above me, there was an irritated hiss. ‘Food.’
I strained my head upwards. ‘Hi, Brutus.’
His yellow eyes stared down at me, unblinking. ‘Food, bitch.’
I sighed. ‘I’ve told you time and time again. If you call me that, I’m not going to feed you.’
‘Food.’
‘Give me a minute.’
‘Food.’
‘I’d like the chance to get a cup of tea first.’
‘Food.’
‘Piss off.’
‘Food.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“I abandoned the plan to make millions from the spell when I realised that people would finally realise their cats are selfish little bastards who only care about themselves. There would have been mass feline abandonment if they heard what their pets really have to say.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“Pet,’ Brutus repeated. ‘Bitch.’
‘Don’t be offended,’ I said. ‘He calls everyone that.’
I winked at Brutus”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“Afford me a very enjoyable view of his arse, which was a particularly tight and well-rounded specimen. He might have had a rod jammed up it but that didn’t mean I couldn’t appreciate the way it was put together.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“Never trust a man wearing slip-on shoes.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“If you're trying to make the point that I'm childish, thank you very much. The only reason that most adults don't do things like this is because they're too concerned about what others think. Or they're so worried about their problems they can't think about anything but themselves. Or they no longer see the wonder and joy in sliding across a floor or down a banister. I think that's sad, not immature.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“If you’re trying to make the point that I’m childish, thank you very much. The only reason that most adults don’t do things like this is because they’re too concerned about what others think. Or they’re so worried about their problems they can’t think about anything but themselves. Or they no longer see the wonder and joy in sliding across a floor or down a banister. I think that’s sad, not immature.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“All work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.’ ‘All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy,”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“Harold,’ I called. ‘Harold! It’s Ivy from down the hall.’ The cat didn’t answer. Perhaps I was being too familiar with the familiar. I tried again. ‘Harold Fitzwilliam Duxworthy the Third? Are you there?”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“I pulled out, making the driver in the battered BMW coming up behind me gesture in my direction with an angry scowl. Now, now. He had plenty of room to slow down. I reckon that anyone who gets irritated by something like that needs to sort their life out. If you’re getting stressed out by having to brake slightly, what happens to your equilibrium when your pipes burst or your kid gets suspended from school or your mum is diagnosed with cancer? It simply isn’t worth the effort to sweat the small stuff.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“If you’d be happy to live in a magical dictatorship, where the leader goes permanently unchallenged and can do whatever they want to, including torture, death and corruption of the highest order, then yes, Ms Wilde, things could be worse.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“I flicked back my hair and added a little strut. If I was going to look and smell like the creature from the black lagoon, I ought to own it.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“He couldn't have sounded more disdainful if he went for a bath in the Sea of Disparagement and washed his hair in Sneer.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“What drives society forward is having a strong backbone of people willing to do the jobs that their leaders don’t want to dirty their hands with.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“But you decided I was going to fail before I even had the chance to try.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch

“You should count yourself lucky,’ she grinned. ‘I’m far too much like hard work.’
It was on the tip of Winter’s tongue to tell her that she should know by now that he liked hard work.”
― Helen Harper, Slouch Witch