We Need to Talk Quotes

“Being a good talker doesn’t make you a good listener, and being smart might make you a terrible listener.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“You must commit to a conversation, even the brief ones, or walk away. If you’re too distracted, admit that to both yourself and the other person. Be present or be gone.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“The next time you are part of a conversation that goes awry, ask for feedback. Let the other person know that the exchange didn’t go as you hoped and you wonder if you could have phrased things differently, or if you were focused on the wrong things, or if you didn’t understand their point. Then listen. Listen to what they have to say without taking offense. Maybe start with someone you know well, like a sibling or a friend. Listening to constructive criticism is never easy, but if your goal is to become better at conversations, it’s important to get an honest assessment of the areas most in need of improvement.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“Highly educated people also tend to place a great deal of value on logic and discount the importance of emotion. You can’t win a debate with an emotional argument, of course, but conversation is not debate and human beings are inherently illogical. We are emotional creatures. To remove, or attempt to remove, emotion from your conversation is to extract a great deal of meaning and import.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“We must learn how to talk to one another and, more important, listen to one other. We must learn to talk to people we disagree with, because you can’t unfriend everyone in real life.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“it seems like we rarely converse anymore. I mean, we talk and we chat (often over text or e-mail), but we don’t really hash things out. We spend a lot of time avoiding uncomfortable conversations and not enough time making an effort to understand the people who live and work around us.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“Three things happen when you apologize sincerely. First, you acknowledge someone’s anger or sadness. You validate that they have reason to be angry or that their anger is real. This often disarms them. Research shows that, after the apology, they no longer see you as a threat or as someone who might again harm them. They drop their defensive posture. And finally, when you’re successful, their brain prepares to forgive. They may even be able to move on from the source of injury entirely. Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist who specializes in trauma recovery, writes in her book The Power of Apology, “While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“If we can learn to talk about the hard things, if we can find common ground and begin to discover the issues on which we can agree, it could be possible to solve some of the more intransigent problems we face.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“Empathy, at its most basic, is the ability to sense someone else’s feelings, to be aware of their emotional state, and to imagine their experience.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“In order to have important conversations, you will sometimes have to check your opinions at the door. There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily in order to learn from someone who disagrees. Don’t worry; your beliefs will still be there when you’re done.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“I now believe that conversation may be one of the most fundamental skills we can learn and improve upon.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter

“Sociologist Charles Derber describes this tendency to insert oneself into a conversation as “conversational narcissism.” It’s the desire to take over a conversation, to do most of the talking, and to turn the focus of the exchange to yourself. It is often subtle and unconscious”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“Through my experience and research, I’ve identified five key strategies that help facilitate a productive dialogue. They are: be curious, check your bias, show respect, stay the course, and end well.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“Silence is an important part of communication, and something people don’t pay attention to.”2 He’s saying that silence wakes up parts of our brains that may have been sleeping. If you allow space for silence in your conversations, you may engage more of your own mind and that of the other person’s.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“Remember, emotion isn’t a character flaw—we are hardwired as emotional creatures. Sometimes you’ll succumb to the drama of the moment and your best intentions will go out the window. If that happens and you say something you shouldn’t, apologize immediately.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“Listening to someone doesn’t mean agreeing with them. The purpose of listening is to understand, not to endorse.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“We've all lost something because of what we said or didn't say, what we failed to hear, or what we heard and misunderstood. So we can all benefit from learning a better way.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter

“The great enemy of communication, we find, is the illusion of it. We have talked enough; but we have not listened. —WILLIAM WHYTE”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“Send compassionate thoughts to yourself. 2.​Send them to someone you love. 3.​Send them to a stranger. 4.​Send them to someone you dislike or with whom you are currently in conflict. 5.​Finally, send compassionate thoughts to all living beings.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“MR. McCULLOUGH: If you look at the brain of somebody who has just been harmed by someone—they’ve been ridiculed or harassed or insulted—we can put those people into technology that allows us to see what their brains are doing, right? So we can look at sort of what your brain looks like on revenge. It looks exactly like the brain of somebody who is thirsty and is just about to get a sweet drink to drink or somebody who’s hungry who’s about to get a piece of chocolate to eat. TIPPETT: It’s like the satisfaction of a craving? MR. McCULLOUGH: It is exactly like that. It is literally a craving. What you see is high activation in the brain’s reward system. . . . The desire for revenge does not come from some sick dark part of how our minds operate. It is a craving to solve a problem and accomplish a goal.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“It only takes one good conversation to change your understanding of someone else’s world, your world, and the world at large.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“Don’t avoid a conversation because you’re afraid of an argument. If the argument is coming, face it and try to make it as productive as possible. There are some simple ways to do this: 1.​Don’t make it personal. Don’t talk about their personal flaws or use phrases like “This is what you always do” or “Here’s your problem.” 2.​Think about solutions instead of focusing only on what you don’t like or what made you angry. A productive argument isn’t just a chance to complain. 3.​Be willing to let the other person win. Finding a resolution that helps you both doesn’t always mean declaring a victor or affirming that you are right. Arguments happen when people’s emotions are involved. There’s nothing wrong with being passionate about a subject and being invested in its outcome. But passion can also lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings, so I think the best conversations occur before an argument is necessary. Any time you enter a conversation, and especially when you are about to talk with someone who holds different beliefs from your own, ask yourself: What do you hope to get out of this exchange? What would you like to have happen at the end and how would you like to walk away from the other person? Angry, frustrated, and no smarter than when you started? You probably cannot change their mind, so perhaps your goal should be your own enlightenment. You can’t control what they take away from the conversation, but you can control what you get out of it. As a journalist, I have had to learn how to open myself up in this way. It’s not easy, and it takes training and a lot of”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“If you want to articulate your opinion, write a blog. If you want to have a conversation, set your opinions aside, at least temporarily. You might find you never want to return to them. You might find you have evolved beyond them.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter

“The researchers found that the happiest students spent a third less time engaged in small talk and had about twice as many substantive conversations as the rest of the group. They concluded that “the happy life is social rather than solitary and conversationally deep rather than superficial.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“the happiest students spent 25 percent less time alone and 70 percent more time talking to other people compared to their less social peers.1”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“You already know what’s inside your own head; open yourself to the surprise and discovery inherent in someone else’s perspective. It’s worth the effort. 15 LISTEN!”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“self-control was defined as “the ability to control or override one’s thoughts, emotions, urges, and behavior.” That’s exactly what you’re doing when you choose not to follow the thoughts in your head when someone is talking to you.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“Questions allow you to express concern and show your interest and care. I use them to draw out introverts, encourage children, and give attention to the overlooked. When a friend is in need, I sometimes limit myself almost entirely to questions.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“It turns out, the more money you have, the less able you are to correctly identify other people’s emotions. It doesn’t matter if you’re looking at photos or interacting with real people, if you’re wealthy, you likely have a harder time recognizing joy, fear, love, and anxiety in a stranger’s face. (You’re also more likely to be rude in conversation, which I think is related to empathy.)6”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter

“support response encourages the other person to continue their story. It lets them know you’re listening and interested in hearing more.”
― Celeste Headlee, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter