The Retirement Diaries Quotes

“Never forget that when your pants start to feel uncomfortable there is an easy solution – buy bigger pants.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“In much the same way that a cloud of dust followed the Peanuts character Pig-Pen wherever he went, I have long since resigned myself to the fact that I am apparently being followed everywhere by “bad lighting”.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“It would appear that saying “I’m retired” at a business gathering is the social equivalent of saying, “I have herpes” at a singles dance.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“MORE SCHMANCY THAN FANCY”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“Leashes are for family dogs that go out “for a walk”. When Lucy accompanies us on our walk, she is actually “on patrol”, establishing a security perimeter around us appropriate to the prevailing “Threat Level”.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“I’ve never owned a pair of binoculars. I’ve never been a bird-watcher. But I do sometimes wonder if birds have been watching me.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“If a lightning bolt kills you at the age of ninety, it just means that the world has taken ninety years to come up with a way to finally get rid of you.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“In an ironic twist on “finders keepers”, nobody wants to be the one who “finds” the food on your face or the drink spilled all over your sweater when you are old because they don’t want to be the one who has to clean you up.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“The truth is, I don’t really care enough about living in perfect surroundings or what anybody else might think if the “finger test” on the top of my picture frames comes back “negative”.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“The same person who will vehemently deny being the “ringleader” of a heinous criminal activity may prove surprisingly reluctant to deny being the “Mastermind” of the exact same activity.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“I always feel smart when I say “exponential”. I even feel smart when I hear somebody else say “exponential”.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“If you’re ever watching a Netflix show in a foreign language with subtitles, you really can’t just “close your eyes for a minute” and still understand what’s going on. You think you can - but you can’t.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“But be warned, once you have crossed the “showers are optional” threshold, there is no end to the variables to be taken into consideration.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“If you can change the oil in her car, hang a light fixture without starting an electrical fire, install a kitchen faucet or a new dishwasher without having to “call in a professional”, then you, sir, are worth your weight in gold.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“You don’t have to be a University Professor, but the first time you say “supposebly” will be the last time you see her.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“If the most exercise you have ever done in your life is to stretch your arm out to grab your bag of food from the drive-thru window, you cannot just hop on a treadmill and “go”.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“Charles Turner’s standard response to almost any comment you might make is, “Yes. Quite,” which is the British version of “Uh huh.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“Don’t be afraid of awkward silences. If none exist, create them. An awkward silence is to a human being what a virus is to a computer.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“After the Cash For Trash fiasco with Martin, I was perilously close to acquiring a deep-fat fryer and knocking us both off with my cooking. It was sort of a long-range murder-suicide plan.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“German Shepherds are working dogs. In fact, if you don’t give them a job, they will make up their own (and quite possibly assume some of your duties. “Is that the teenager acting up again, Mom? Don’t worry – I got this!”)”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“... for most of us, retirement probably falls somewhere between our daydreams and trying not to think too much about everything that can go wrong during cataract surgery.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries

“There is only room in a relationship for one person to be dramatic. That person cannot be the man.”
― Gwynneth Mary Lovas, The Retirement Diaries