Captivate Quotes

“Being a highlighter is about constantly searching for the good in people. When you tell people they are good, they become better. When you search for what’s good, you feel great.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When you try to be the same as everyone else, it’s boring. When you try to fit into a mold, you become forgettable. When you try to be “normal,” you become dull. Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. —Stephen Covey”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Whether we like to admit it or not, we decide if we like someone, if we trust someone, and if we want a relationship with someone within the first few seconds of meeting them.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Don’t try to impress people, let them impress you.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Vulnerability is sexy—it shows we are relatable, honest, and real. That is attractive. And the science proves it: “A blunder tends to humanize him and, consequently, increases his attractiveness.”5”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“There is an African proverb that says: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Leading people is about communicating a mission and then letting them take part in it. If you want to motivate a colleague, empower a team, or inspire a friend, all you have to do is figure out how to give them ownership.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“With a first impression, you are a Triple Threat when you use your hands, your posture, and your eye contact. These are the three nonverbal weapons you can use to pass through all three levels of trust.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“people skills are the social lubricant of life.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When someone does a kindness for you, they are more likely to like you.6 This is dubbed the Franklin effect.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—SNAP—the job’s a game. —Mary Poppins”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When you Name, Understand, and Transform someone out of their difficulty, you become their ally.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Most people’s choices make sense to them. When they don’t make sense to you, it’s usually because you are being driven by a different primary value.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When you produce dopamine during a conversation, you not only give your partner more enjoyment, you are also assigned more significance, which increases your memorability.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Impressing people with fake flawlessness is both impossible and exhausting. Vulnerability is what truly elevates relationships.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“trying to get to the root of her fear. This helps him comprehend what’s going on and allows her to sort out her emotions. Once she feels heard and validated, then she moves into stage two of the NUT Job: understanding.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Instead of randomly delegating or hoping people will self-select, you want to divide the list by skills. This highlights people’s abilities so they feel capable, as opposed to burdened. To do this, use what I call Skill Solicitation. Skill Solicitation is when you ask people to self-identify based on capability: Is anyone good at _____? Do you know anything about _____? I need someone who is strong with ______.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Humans are purpose-driven creatures. We want to believe there are reasons behind everything we do. Before leaders can inspire action, they have to get emotional buy-in. When we explain the motivations behind a goal, it allows listeners to feel partial ownership of that goal.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“The power of our first impression lies not in what we say, but how we say it. The most popular TED Talkers leveled up their audiences before even getting to their big idea. They did this by using what I call: HACK #2: The Triple Threat Make a powerful first impression by nonverbally hacking all three levels of trust.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“As humans, we are desperate to be heard. The biggest thing I learned during my Vow of Silence is that the best conversations aren’t about what you say, they are about what you hear.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“I like to say that fear is a cross-dresser. It likes to wear different outfits. Sometimes fear can cause us to: Be people pleasers Be bossy Be defensive Be gossipy Be avoidant Be mean Be awkward Be boring Be critical Be narcissistic Go into denial Be needy Seek compliments Be selfish Be dramatic Looking at this list, which sounds most like your reaction to fear? How does your fear dress up?”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“When we are afraid, our worst selves rear their ugly heads. In social situations, fears can become even more aggravated. When we are around others, we fear: Being judged Not being liked Not meeting anyone we like Being rejected Being left out Being laughed at Saying something and having nobody laugh Being criticized Being perceived as boring Being weird Being out of control Being misunderstood Being forgotten Being different”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Perfection is a strange beast. We strive to be perfect so others will like us but don’t like people who try too hard to be perfect. The pursuit of perfection not only makes it nearly impossible to connect with people, it also makes us unattractive. Want to connect with people more quickly? Try to embrace these vulnerability cures: Admit when you’re wrong Don’t pretend to know a band you’ve actually never heard of Ask for forgiveness When you don’t know what a word means, ask Say sorry Be okay saying, “I don’t know” Following these rules will help you build relationships.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Most people’s choices make sense to them. When they don’t make sense to you, it’s usually because you are being driven by a different primary value. Knowing primary value differences with the people in your life can help explain: Why some people drive you absolutely crazy Most relationship misunderstandings Unpredictable choices and behavior from the people you care about”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Tapping into your values is one of the most powerful things you can know about yourself and the people around you. Why? Knowing your primary value is the key to contentment. Want to know why you’re in a funk? Your primary value isn’t being met. Want to know why a relationship isn’t working for you? It’s probably a value misalignment. Want to understand why you made a poor choice? Your primary value was driving you in a different direction. Many of my students say that decoding their own matrix was just as powerful as learning how to decode others’. Our primary value is at the heart of who we are, the choices we make, and what drives us.”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Social Primary Value: What is your favorite thing about being with your closest friends? What would you add to your social interactions to make them even better? When I am with my closest friends, I feel most content when:”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People

“Professional Primary Value: What gives you a sense of purpose at work? What do you hope to get from the work you do? During the workday, I feel most worthy when:”
― Vanessa Van Edwards, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People