The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack Quotes

“Though completely irrelevant to the story, seventeen minutes and thirty-two seconds later, every instance of the word “the” that appeared in this chapter transmogrified into a tiny, blue, pineapple-headed bat that flew away to France to start a brand new life even though they all hated France (except for French fries, guillotines, and that place in France where the naked ladies dance). Regarding the latter, apparently there’s a hole in the wall where tiny, blue, pineapple-headed bats can see it all.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“A few moments later, the dude was deader than a dogshit-covered Chicken McNugget that’d been set on fire before getting tossed off the top of the goddamn Empire State Building.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“Hello,” he said. “Who is this? . . . Who? You’re breaking up a bit there, pal. I can barely hear you . . . You’re the president of what? . . . Of the Citizen Kane fan club? Well, how about that? . . . You want to what? Sorry, the connection is still bad. You’re breaking up . . . You wish I’d just drop by already? Is that what you said? Well, thank you! That’s awfully nice of you. I will certainly do so as soon as my schedule permits. Unfortunately, I’m kinda busy at the moment, hoss . . . Ah, I can hear you much better now! . . . Eh, you’re not the president of the Citizen Kane fan club? You’re the president of the Citizen Kane is the Worst Movie of All Time fan club? . . . And you don’t wish I’d just drop by already, you wish I’d just die already? . . . Well, fuck you too, mang! I hope you and your whole fucking family get cancer and AIDS and leprosy and anthrax and catch on fire and die! Call this number again, asshole, and I’ll come whoop your ass myself!”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“More ass than a goddamn cemetery my old, wooden ass!” Rosebud said. “If I’m not mistaken, you’re still a virgin”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“. . . and last but not least, a band called Not Only Does Tobin Rock Fuckin’ Hardcore, He Gets More Ass than a Goddamn Cemetery.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“What’s more, the movie that most modern film critics now agreed was the greatest movie of all time was a 2016 documentary titled Citizen Kane is the Worst Movie of All Time directed by Michael Bay and starring Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Britney Spears, Kanye West, and Kim Kardashian.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“A letter from Hogwarts? For me?” Hansel said. “It’s got your name on it.” “Did, like, an owl bring it to our window?” “Yup.” “Stop yankin’ my chain, dude.” “I thought you might say that, so I took a picture of the owl!” Tobin reached under his pillow again and pulled out a Polaroid picture. “Here.” Hansel took the photograph and letter from Tobin. He examined the photograph first. It showed a chicken perched on their bedroom windowsill, a chicken with a small warthog head instead of a chicken head.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“Now came time for Chessler’s world-famous catchphrase. He cleared his throat, spoke the words in a stentorian voice befitting a great statesman or decorated military general: “By golly, I’ll eat this motherfuckin’ fistful of squirming maggots ’cause I just don’t give a heck!”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“In case you didn’t know, the blue whale holds the record for having the largest penis size of any animal on Earth, their peckers usually extending between eight and ten feet in length.
Now that’s a big blue dick.
And as you well know, for yo mama, the choice between a big, blue, ten-foot dick and, well, basically anything else in the world, really wasn’t a choice at all.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack

“My thirst for trouser gravy is insatiable.”
― Douglas Hackle, The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack