Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds Quotes

“Don't insert your hand inside a wolf's mouth - or a lion's, bear's, alligator's or crocodile's mouth, or in a lawn mower, garbage disposal, snowblower or blender - because, if you do, you're not going to have that hand for much longer! Don't believe me? Ask my good friend Captain Hook how he got his name! - Tyr”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“It has a name because it's important, and all important things have names.”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“From what I’ve gleaned, when combined with other words, hashtag has the power to distract the mind from more important matters.”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“O: Sure. [Scratches his beard thoughtfully.] Makes you wonder, though, doesn’t it? SS [leaning forward]: Wonder what, Lord Odin? O: What Mimir did with my eye. [Shrugs.] SS: A mystery that may never be solved. Speaking of mysteries, you once hanged yourself to gain wisdom. We’re all dying to know— O: “Dying to know”! Good one, Snorri! SS: What? Oh. Yes, I see. So, can you tell us the story behind your hanging yourself for nine days to unlock the secret of runes? O: Of course. [Pause.] I hanged myself for nine days to unlock the secret of runes. SS: Yes, but why did you hang yourself? O: To unlock the secret of runes. SS: Er, yes. Fascinating.”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“Endured a lecture on the Nine Worlds given by some fossilized thane named Snorti. (Might be Snorri? So boring, I almost started snorri-ing….)”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“But be aware that you could encounter other beings who may strive to deceive, distract, or manipulate. They go by the names draugr (zombies), vala (seers), witches (witches), and telemarketers (annoyances).”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“Square one, here I come. - Sam”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“For now, though, sit back, relax, and enjoy your ongoing death, your daily resurrection, and your everlasting stay here.”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“That about covers the main categories. But be aware that you could encounter other beings who may strive to deceive, distract, or manipulate. They go by the names draugr (zombies), vala (seers), witches (witches), and telemarketers (annoyances).”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“The Vanir are not complete pacifists, however. Take the Aesir-Vanir war. According to historic accounts, it was triggered by a sorceress from Vanaheim, who some say was Freya herself. The witch traveled the worlds performing elf magic, or alf seidr. She put on a show in Asgard for Odin and the other gods. The Aesir were impressed with her powers until they realized she was using them for one purpose: to obtain their gold. (No offense, Freya, but your lust for gold is probably how the rumors about you being the sorceress got started.) Her greed offended the Aesir. So they did the only logical thing: they burned her. Three times, actually.”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“Day Ten: Hour one: Took off. Crashed into Laeradr (stupid tree). Took off. Fell onto the thanes’ table. Took off. Crashed into Laeradr and then fell onto the thanes’ table. An unbelievably fat tree-dwelling goat landed on top of me. Hour three: Reenacted the Wright Brothers’ first flight at Kitty Hawk. That is, got airborne for less than a minute before inevitably crashing (into Laeradr yet again).”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“Hold that thought. I have another surprise for you! [Air shimmers. The goddess is replaced by a massive giant.] Ta-da! SS [shrieks]: Aaaaaaugh! UTGARD-LOKI [doubling over with laughter]: The look on your face! Priceless! I’m telling you, Snorts, you einherjar are so gullible. Reminds me of the pranks I played on Thor all those years ago. You know what I’m talking about, right?”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“SNORRI STURLUSON: My lady Freya, I thank you for seeing me again so soon. You are, as always, a picture of loveliness. FREYA: Why, thank you, Snorri. I could just kiss you for that. In fact, I think I will. [Kisses SS right on the lips.] Mmmmmmmwah! SS [surprised]: M-my lady! Words fail me! F: That’s a first. SS: Er…”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“FREYA: Snorri, darling. It’s been too long. [Air-kisses SS.] Mwah. Mwah. Miles, be a love and take—what was your name again, dear? WOMAN: Ag-Agnes. F: Hmm. [Taps finger on lips.] Are you quite certain Ag-Agnes is the name you want for the rest of your death? AG-AGNES: What do you mean the rest of my death? F: Maybe something a little perkier. Let’s see. [Strokes cats.] I think Kitty will do nicely. That’s what we’ll call you, my dear. KITTY: Who are you people? F: Miles, explain everything to Kitty, will you? M: I’m on it. [Fires a finger gun at SS.] Catch ya later, Athane. Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty! K: Seriously. What is going on? F: Oh, darling, don’t you see? You’re dead. K: I’m dead? M [grabbing Kitty in a headlock and giving her knuckle noogies]: Come on, Kit-Kat, it’s not so bad! K: I’m dead? [Miles and Kitty depart.]”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“With my raven scribe at my side, I arrived in the throne room of Sessrumnir, Freya’s mansion, at the appointed hour. Instead of the goddess, however, I found a scruffy-looking individual wearing a multihued short-sleeved garment bearing the words KEEP CALM AND FOLKVANGER ON lounging on the dais. MAN: Whoa, dude, are you supposed to be in here? SNORRI STURLUSON: Yes. The goddess Freya herself is to honor me with her presence. M: Cool. I’m Miles. And judging by your body odor [leans close and sniffs SS], I’m guessing you’re a Fart Elf. SS [indignant]: I am a thane.”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“[Editor’s Note: Snorri Sturluson has had issues with accuracy in the past. To ensure this is not an issue with this and other interviews recorded in this book, a raven scribe accompanied him to his meetings. The transcripts therefore include impartial observations as well as the conversations themselves.] SNORRI STURLUSON: Thank you, my lord, for agreeing to talk with me. I’m certain readers will be extremely interested in whatever you say. ODIN: Probably. SS: May I ask my first question? O: You just did. SS [laughing delightedly]: Oh, you got me that time! Wise and witty, all in one package! But now to the question. Odin, tell us, in your own words…what was it like when you lost your eye? O [cheerfully]: I didn’t lose it, Snorri. I gouged it out with my own fingers. SS [looking green]: In…deed. And, erm, what was that like? O: Not fun. But I got something worthwhile in exchange for it. SS: And that was? O: This cool eye patch. SS: Ah. Nothing else?”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“Instead, I’ll tell you about the cow, Audhumbla. She was in the Gap with me. And she was big. (How big was she?) That cow was so big, when she sat around the Gap, she really sat around the Gap!”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“Perhaps you’d like to tell us about your latest quests for wisdom and knowledge instead? O: I’d like to tell you many things, Snorri. But to answer your question: I’ve started a spoken-word poetry group with some of my einherjar. Performances every Thor’s Day night in the Feast Hall of the Slain, with light Saehrimnir refreshments to follow. The Norns are scheduled to make a guest appearance soon, which should prove interesting. Also, I’m taking Zumba classes to understand why in My Name they’re so popular. Finally, I’m researching the magical symbol known in Midgard as [taps first two fingers of right hand against the first two fingers of left hand] hashtag. From what I’ve gleaned, when combined with other words, hashtag has the power to distract the mind from more important matters. If I’m right, I’ll make hashtag the subject of my next book. The working title is…wait for it…Hashtag. SS: An inspired choice, Lord Odin. O: Yes, I know. Sadly, our interview came to an abrupt conclusion at this point.”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“SS: What? Oh. Yes, I see. So, can you tell us the story behind your hanging yourself for nine days to unlock the secret of runes? O: Of course. [Pause.] I hanged myself for nine days to unlock the secret of runes. SS: Yes, but why did you hang yourself? O: To unlock the secret of runes.”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“Her greed offended the Aesir. So they did the only logical thing: they burned her. Three times, actually. Each time, she popped out of the flames uncharred. Finally, though, she’d had enough. She returned to Vanaheim, posted a one-star rating for her stay in Asgard, and boom—war erupted.”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“They go by the names draugr (zombies), vala (seers), witches (witches), and telemarketers (annoyances).”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“Her greed offended the Aesir. So they did the only logical thing: they burned her. Three times, actually. Each”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures

“JACK I’m Jack, the Sword of Summer, Sumarbrander, Blade of Frey. That is, I was his, until he tossed me away. FREY Jack, I did you wrong. You know I’m feeling the guilt. JACK Yeah, right. Forget you, man. Talk to my hilt! FREY Come on, Slice! Give me a chance. At least let me explain why I passed you off to Skirnir— JACK I know why. You were insane. You sat on Odin’s throne to search for Freya, your lost sister. A giantess caught your eye. So much for Freya. You just dissed her. FREY Gerd was gorgeous. Total hottie. I dream of her still. Shining face, lovely hair— JACK I think I’m going to be ill. FREY I know you’ve suffered, Blade of Frey, Sword of Summer, Sumarbrander. JACK The worst is yet to come, when I’m with my new commander. FREY You mean Surt, at Ragnarok. JACK The Black One of Muspellheim. On the day of doom, he’ll wield me— FREY —and free the Wolf. Chaos time. JACK Boiling seas. Bloodred skies. FREY Gods will vanish. Giants rise. JACK I’ll be sad to see you go. FREY Will you really? JACK Really? No. FREY Destiny is destiny. We all have our parts to play. JACK I’ll act mine now then, Nature Boy, and say, “See you later, Frey.” FREY There’ll never be another quite like you, Sword of Summer. Our paths may cross again. If not…good-bye, old friend.”
― Rick Riordan, Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings & Fantastic Creatures