Jokes Quotes

“named my dog “10 miles”. So that I can say to people that I walked “10 miles” daily!   ***”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016 [Best Of]

“Alan was really depressed last night and even turned suicidal. He decided to call lifeline, hoping that someone might just help him. The call center got connected in Pakistan. When Alan told them he was suicidal, they got really excited and asked him if he knew how to drive a truck.   ***”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Tell me what would you get if you crossed a snowman and a vampire? I figure, you would get frostbite.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“So officer, do you drink when you are on duty? No sir. Then why are there so many complaints? I don’t drink on duty unless I come on duty drunk.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“John, please call me a taxi. John: okay, you are a taxi.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Man, weddings are so emotional, you won't believe who I saw crying?  Who? The cake. Can you imagine that! The cake was in tiers!”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Police: Can you identify yourself? Drunk driver looks in the mirror… Driver: Yeah, it’s me.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Whenever I stand on my head, the blood seems to rush to my head, but when I am on my feet why does the blood not rush to my feet? Oh it’s quite simple. It is because your feet are not empty, unlike your head.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Who do you think Google is? A man or a woman? Of course she is a woman. She doesn’t lets you complete your sentence and interferes with her own suggestions.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

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― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Why do women like men who are smart, goal orientated and have a sense of humour? Because opposites attract. ***”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Do you want to catch those pesky squirrels? Definitely! Then act like nuts!”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016 [Best Of]

“The rule of the 21st century says that deleting history is a lot more important than making it. ***   Do”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“15 more minutes passed, but the drunk was still quiet. Worried, the priest pounded a few times on the wall. Finally, the drunk answered “Stop knocking! There is also no paper in this side!”   ***”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016 [Best Of]

“I once asked a rail engineer as to what was the whole point of having a train schedule, if the trains never bothered coming on time and were always late. The engineer said, “If we didn’t have a schedule, how would you know that they are running late.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Father: So, children did you help your mom today? Son: I did dad, I dried the dishes. Daughter: And I helped him pick the pieces.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Once a teenage girl was talking on her phone for nearly half an hour and then disconnected the call. Father: Wow that was quite quick. You rarely keep the phone so early. Everything okay? Girl: Yes dad. That was a just a wrong number.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Ever wondered as to what similarities do blondes and beer bottles have? Of course, I do. They are both empty from neck up.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Okay, I want you to know Harry that before we start the proceedings; all your responses need to be oral. Do you get that? Harry nodded his head. Advocate: where were you during the rime of robbery? Oral. Jeez man, how old are you? Oral. Goddamn, I didn’t mean that. Don’t you get what I mean? Oral.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Mom you should really start online shopping, It is the trending thing to do and will make your life a lot simpler. Mom: Oh honey, that is crap. Every time I try online shopping, my trolley just falls off the top of your computer.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Could you tell me what kind of doctor would be best to fix broken websites? What? A doctor for websites? Are you kidding me? Of course not. Visit an URLogist.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Two hunters were out there in the jungle looking to make a kill. Suddenly, one of them fell on the ground and he looked breathless. His eyes were rolled back in his head and he was literally looking panic stricken. His friend took out his cell phone hurriedly and called 911. He screamed on the phone, “I think my friend is dead. What should I do? We are out in a jungle!” The operator from the other end, in a very calm tone, said, “Okay, don’t panic sir. First we will need to make sure that he is dead.” There is silence on the line and then a sound of a gun fire is heard. The guy then came back on the phone. “Okay, done, now what do I need to do?”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Police: do, you think you can identify yourself. The driver took out his mirror, looked at his face and said, “Yes, it is me.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Why do you always garden at the night? I mean, isn’t it a day job? Oh I wish I could. The thing is every time my wife sings in bed; I go out to garden so my neighbors don’t get the idea that I indulge in domestic violence.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Would you like to hear a dirty joke? Of course I love them. A horse once fell in the mud and got really dirty.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“A teacher once got furious over a student surfing too many websites while studying. Teacher: you are going to grow really fat and completely useless if you spend all your time on the internet doing useless stuff. Student; wow Ma'am, you must be speaking from experience. Which sites did you surf as a kid? ***”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“In the little town in southern America, a farmer knocked on his neighbor’s door. A little boy opened it. Farmer: “kid, is your dad home?” Kid: “no sir, he has gone to town.” Farmer: “well, then would your mom be around?” Kid: “well sir, no. She went along with dad to give him company.” Farmer: “and how about Alex, your brother? Is he home?” Kid: “he isn’t home too. I am alone here.” The farmer kept waiting, unaware what to say next and he nervously shifted his weight from one foot to another. Kid: “would you like me to help you anyway? I know the tools and I can help you borrow it or may be, take a message for someone, if you want?” Farmer: “Actually, I need to talk to your dad because Alex, your brother, knocked my daughter and you know she is pregnant.” The little kid kept thinking for a moment and said, “Well, you will need to talk to dad about it. He charges $200 for the bull and even $100 for the dog, but I have no clue what his rates are for Alex.”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016

“Why did you get a divorce? Well, my wife did not greet me on my birthday, my ungrateful brats took after their mother and did not greet me. To make things worse, even my parents forgot my birthday! When I went to work, my colleagues did not greet me (and there is a freaking bulletin board with the birthday celebrant on it) but alas, my kind and sexy secretary greeted me with a smile and invited me for a lunch in her apartment nearby! Of course I felt flattered! At the apartment, she said, I’ll just go to the bedroom for a minute, I got excited and said Okkkaayyy! 3 minutes after, there she was with a huugge cake with my wife, the kids, my proud parents and yes, even my colleagues yelling “SURRRRPRRISSSEEE!” And me? I was waiting on the sofa…. Butt naked….”
― Kevin Murphy, Jokes : Best Jokes 2016 [Best Of]