The New Joys of Yiddish Quotes

“Writing after the Holocaust had destroyed a third of the world’s Jews, Yiddish poet Kadia Molodowsky (1894–1975) addressed the “Chosen People” doctrine most poignantly: “O God of Mercy,” she wrote, “For the time being / Choose another people.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“An official brought the chief rabbi of a town before the Court of the Inquisition and told him, “We will leave the fate of your people to God. I’m putting two slips of paper in this box. On one is written ‘Guilty.’ On the other is written ‘Innocent.’ Draw.” Now this inquisitor was known to seek the slaughter of all the Jews, and he had written “Guilty” on both pieces of paper. The rabbi put his hand inside the box, withdrew a slip of paper—and swallowed it. “What are you doing?” cried the inquisitor. “How will the court know—” “That’s simple,” said the rabbi. “Examine the slip that’s in the box. If it reads ‘Innocent,’ then the paper I swallowed obviously must have read ‘Guilty.’ But if the paper in the box reads ‘Guilty,’ then the one I swallowed must have read ‘Innocent.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“Why do the wicked always form groups, whereas the righteous do not? Because the wicked, walking in darkness, need company, but the righteous, who live in the light, do not fear being alone.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“SCENE: Classroom, Lower East Side, 1926. Teacher: “Who can tell us where the Romanian border is?” Student: “In the park with my aunt, and my mother doesn’t trust him!”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“Waiter: “Tea or coffee, gentlemen?” First customer: “I’ll have tea.” Second customer: “Me too—and be sure the glass is clean!” (WAITER EXITS, RETURNS) Waiter: “Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“For twenty years Mr. Sokoloff had been eating at the same restaurant on Second Avenue. On this night, as on every other, Mr. Sokoloff ordered chicken soup. The waiter set it down and started off. Mr. Sokoloff called, “Waiter!” “Yeah?” “Please taste this soup.” The waiter said, “Hanh? Twenty years you’ve been eating the chicken soup here, no? Have you ever had a bad plate—” “Waiter,” Sokoloff said firmly, “taste the soup.” “Sokoloff, what’s the matter with you?” “Taste the soup!” “All right, all right,” the waiter said, grimacing. “I’ll taste—where’s the spoon?” “Aha!” cried Sokoloff.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“If God lived on earth,” goes a sardonic Yiddish saying, “people would knock out all His windows.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“Boychik or boychikel is used with affection, even admiration, the way some people say, “That’s my boy,” or the way an earlier generation said, “Oh, you kid!” “Hello, boychik” or “How are you, boychikel?” may be uttered to males long past their boyhood; generally, when used to or about an aging man, boychik carries a tinge of sarcasm—but it can be used fondly: Affectionate: “That Sam”—sigh—”he has the spirit of a boychik.” Sarcastic: “At his age to go after young girls … ! Some boychik!” 2. Critically: A sharp operator; one who cuts corners. “He’s some boychik” can mean anything from “He’s a tricky fellow” to “Watch”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“Tis said that Hitler, disturbed by nightmares, called in a soothsayer. The seer consulted a crystal ball and said, “Ah, mighty Führer, it is foretold that you will die on a Jewish holiday.” “Which one?” said Hitler with a scowl. “Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“Why is sholem used for both “hello” and “good-bye”? Israelis say: “Because we have so many problems that half the time we don’t know whether we’re coming or going.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“I think of a shmegegge as a cross between a shlimazl and a shlemiel—or even between a nudnik and a nebekh.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“PROVERB: “A tavern can’t corrupt a good man, and a synagogue can’t reform a bad one.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“Which is more important: money or wisdom? “Wisdom,” says the philosopher. “Ha!” scoffs the cynic. “If wisdom is more important than money, why is it that the wise wait on the rich, and not the rich on the wise?” “Because,” says the scholar, “the wise, being wise, understand the value of money; but the rich, being only rich, do not know the value of wisdom.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“A Jew, crossing the street, bumped into an anti-Semite. “Swine!” bellowed the paskudnyak. “Goldberg,” said the Jew, bowing.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“I wouldn’t say ‘Hello’ to a paskudnyak like that!” “Did you ever hear of such a paskudnyak?” “That whole family is a collection of paskudnyaks.” This word is one of the most greasily graphic, I think, in Yiddish. It offers the connoisseur three nice, long syllables, starting with a sibilant of reprehension and ending with a nasality of scorn. It adds cadence to contempt.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“At the end of a pier in Tel Aviv, a man was about to jump into the sea when a policeman came running up to him. “No, no!” he cried. “How can a man like you, in the prime of life, think of jumping into that water?” “Because I can’t stand it anymore! I don’t want to live!” “But listen, mister, please. If you jump in the water, I’ll have to jump in after you, to save you. Right? Well, it so happens I can’t swim. Do you know what that means? I have a wife and four children, and in the line of duty I would drown! Would you want to have such a terrible thing on your conscience? No, I’m sure. So be a good Jew, and do a real mitzva. Go home. And in the privacy and comfort of your own home, hang yourself.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“FOLK SAYINGS: “Nine wise men don’t make a minyan, but ten cobblers do.” “Nine saints do not make a minyan, but one ordinary man can by joining them.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“The melamed asked one of his young students, “Yussele, do you say your prayers before each meal?” “No, melamed.” “What? You don’t pray before each meal?!” “I don’t have to. My mother’s a good cook.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“In the Catskills, it is claimed that an ingenious gentleman crossbred a Guernsey with a Holstein—to get a Goldstein.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“The braggadocio aspect is important: a successful but modest man is ordinarily not called a k’nocker. A k’nocker is someone who works crossword puzzles—with a pen (especially if someone is watching).”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“A young khokhem told his grandmother that he was going to become a doctor of philosophy. The bubbe smiled proudly: “Wonderful. But what kind of disease is ‘philosophy’?”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“Jehovah Pronounced (in English) Jee-HO-vah. Not a Yiddish word. It is not a Hebrew word. It is some scribe’s Latin transliteration of YHVH, to which the vowel marks for Adonai were added. The word appeared for the first time in an English text in 1530. God.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“He sat there, sighing and moaning and ruminating thusly: “Oh, if only the Holy One, blessed be His name, would give me ten thousand dollars, I promise I would give a thousand to the poor. Halevay! … And if the Holy One doesn’t trust me, He can deduct the thousand in advance and just give me the balance.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“FOLK SAYING: “Your health comes first; you can always hang yourself later.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“Jews are not proselytizers.*Rabbis are required to make three separate efforts to discourage a would-be convert.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“George S. Kaufman, a prince of wit, once remarked that he liked to write with his collaborator, Moss Hart, because Hart was so lucky. “In my case,” said Kaufman, “it’s gelt by association.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“The famous Dubner maggid, a gaon, was asked by an admiring student: “How is it that you always have the perfect parable for the topic under discussion?” The gaon smiled. “I’ll answer with a parable.” And he told the following story: A lieutenant of the Tsar’s cavalry, riding through a small shtetl, drew his horse up in astonishment, for on the side of a barn he saw a hundred chalked circles—and in the center of each was a bullet hole! The lieutenant excitedly stopped the first passerby, crying, “Who is the astonishing marksman in this place? Look at all those bull’s-eyes!” The passerby sighed. “That’s Shepsel, the shoemaker’s son, who is a little peculiar.” “I don’t care what he is,” said the lieutenant. “Any man who can shoot that well—” “Ah,” the pedestrian said, “you don’t understand. You see, first Shepsel shoots—then he draws the circle.” The gaon smiled. “That’s the way it is with me. I don’t search for a parable to fit the subject. I introduce the subject for which I have a perfect parable.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“I am informed by veterans of the Lower East Side that decalcomania pictures were called “cockamamies” because no one knew how to spell “decalcomania.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“A woman, feeling sorry for a beggar who had come to her door, invited him in and offered him food. On the table was a pile of dark bread—and a few slices of challah. The shnorrer (beggar) promptly fell upon the challah. “There’s black bread, too,” the woman hinted. “I prefer challah.” “But challah is much more expensive!” “Lady,” said the beggar, “it’s worth it.” That, I think, is chutzpa.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated

“Chutzpa is that quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.”
― Leo Rosten, The New Joys of Yiddish: Completely Updated