You Are Dead. Quotes

“Physics holds that the faster you go, the slower time goes, and that if you go close to the speed of light time goes very slowly, and that you cannot go faster than the speed of light but if you ever do you go back in time. This idea was first introduced by Albert Einstein a very high speed ago.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“The field of deep sea oceanography was invented by claustrophiliacs (people who enjoy being confined in small spaces, the opposite of claustrophobics) and people who are willing to go to particularly extreme lengths for some peace and quiet.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“It is therefore by definition impossible for cosmologists to discover anything, because they can’t see them, and if they do see them it instantly becomes astronomy and is no longer their problem.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“Cosmology is basically the study of objects that are too far away to see (astronomy being the study of things that are close enough to see).”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“businessmen wear ties. The tie is a piece of clothing that serves no known useful purpose. It does not keep the neck warm, nor does it keep the shirt from falling off, nor does it secure the collar to the shirt, nor even does it act as a counterweight to the heavy items that you might reasonably have in your back pocket. The tie therefore does nothing. Most women have quite sensibly forgone ties in favor of their own totally impractical and inexplicable garments, like high heels.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“It should be explained for readers who might not be familiar with the concept that a quizillion is defined as the highest number anyone can possibly think of that is not infinity. It is distinguished from infinity plus one because unlike infinity plus one it cannot be used to win arguments with children.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“The tie is a piece of clothing that serves no known useful purpose. It does not keep the neck warm, nor does it keep the shirt from falling off, nor does it secure the collar to the shirt, nor even does it act as a counterweight to the heavy items that you might reasonably have in your back pocket. The tie therefore does nothing. Most women have quite sensibly forgone ties in favor of their own totally impractical and inexplicable garments, like high heels.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“The last remnant of organized religion in Dead Donkey is the Church of Particularly Cynical Atheists, which maintains a growing if deeply unpleasant presence in the city.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“Australia is not, as is commonly believed, a vast, wealthy, and extremely happy country in the southeastern corner of the globe settled by ex-British convicts who mellowed out considerably and built a fancy opera house once they’d gotten a bit of sun. First of all, globes do not have corners. Second, Australia is in reality a crazed anarchic hellscape where machine-gun toting grizzled Australian troopers are deployed alongside eyepatch-wearing koala infantry to battle ferocious emu warlords and their kangaroo allies. Control of the continent regularly shifts between dictatorial factions as they battle for control of the continent’s precious metal and Vegemite reserves.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“I will give him one of the replica bodies we use when we have to enter the living world or visit the New York office,” he said. “He won’t die immediately.” He began to fill out the immensely complex resurrection form with astonishing speed.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“This,” Ian said, indicating the second-to-last desk in the line, “is the Desk for People Who Died of Badger Attack While Simultaneously Having A Stroke And A Bathtub Fall On Their Heads.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“And, that’s all done here, is it?” “No, this is just the central office,” Ian said cheerily. “We have branch offices in heaven, hell, purgatory, and New York.” “Er, why do you have an office in New York?” “Well, we simply wouldn’t be a respectable operation if we didn’t have an office in New York, even if the rent is extortionate. It’s our nicest office. Just between you and me, I wish they would shut down the hell office. All our paper forms kept catching fire there. It’s a nightmare. We had to start making documents out of asbestos.” Nathan was not entirely sure whether Ian was being serious or not.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“a quizillion is defined as the highest number anyone can possibly think of that is not infinity. It is distinguished from infinity plus one because unlike infinity plus one it cannot be used to win arguments with children.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“even though colossally huge numbers of people mope around complaining about how horrible their lives are, while almost everyone who has ever died has elected to stay dead rather than come back to life and complain about their death experiences.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“A room full of lab rats and researchers came into view. The dumb creatures scurried around, unsuccessfully navigating the maze before them, sniffing the odd bit of cheese at the end of one corridor or another, before occasionally settling down and taking a measurement of the rats’ behavior.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“This,” Ian said, indicating the second-to-last desk in the line, “is the Desk for People Who Died of Badger Attack While Simultaneously Having A Stroke And A Bathtub Fall On Their Heads.” Nathan blinked. “Is that likely?” “Oh, we’re expecting quite a run on it.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“This is our research and development bureau,” Ian said, gesturing broadly. “Here, our hard-working researchers have discovered a new and smaller font size, hitherto unknown to bureaucracy. We have already introduced it on a trial basis on some of our forms.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“Which all just goes to show you that you shouldn’t believe everything you learn in school.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“room”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.

“But by this time a bunch of other students had gotten out their smartphones and were looking at videos on the internet of laboratory dye studies demonstrating that the equal transit time explanation was wrong, and that air did not in fact move over and under the wing in the same amount of time and it all had to due with circulating currents in the reference frame of the aircraft and the obstacle effect. As it so happened, the equal transit time explanation - which was mandated by their school’s curriculum - was wrong. It’s okay, though. It wasn’t a very good school.”
― Andrew Stanek, You Are Dead.