Holy Bible Quotes

“A few of my Aramean ancestors went to Egypt. We grew into an entire nation there. The Egyptians enslaved us and treated us like shit, so we asked Yahweh, our forefathers’ god, for help. He turned Egyptian waters to blood, chased the Egyptians with frogs and insects, leperized them, turned off their sun, killed all their firstborn sons, and finally, he drowned Pharaoh and his entire army in the sea—all to free us from Egypt. Now he gave us this beautiful paradise. So thank you, Yahweh, for killing all the Canaanites and giving us their land! Here is a nice fruit basket for you!”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“The Hebrew word translated here as “God” is “elohim” and elohim is plural, so the first verse of the Bible should actually read:   “In the beginning gods created the heaven and the earth.”   This is no small thing. The difference between God, capital G, and gods, small g, is the difference between monotheism and polytheism.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Now, before you invade a foreign city. Here’s the law: Offer the fools a peace treaty. They can remain in their city as your slaves doing forced labor for you. And if they refuse your generosity? Kill every goddamned one of their men. And take their women, children, livestock, and wealth as plunder.” The same guy raised his hand and yelled, “Can we fuck these women, too?” It was a stupid question, but Moses replied patiently, “Of course. Fuck them—use them as footstools, punching bags, scarecrows—who cares? They’re slaves! Do whatever you want with them. “Just remember, all you have to do is obey Yahweh. Then you will have no worries and nothing to fear. He will take care of you. But be careful, because Yahweh will test you. He will send false prophets and phony dream interpreters. “If you encounter one? And his predictions come true? And he wants you to worship another god? Don’t be impressed! Beware! Yahweh sent him to tempt you. “So kill anyone who prophesies in the name of another god. “And kill anyone who pretends to be a prophet and is not! “And if you find a town worshipping another god—kill everyone in it! And kill their livestock! Plunder their homes! Burn that despicable town to the ground and never rebuild it! Make it a perpetual burnt offering to Yahweh. “And whatever you do, for god’s sake, do not imitate the detestable Canaanite religions! Do not incinerate your children, or practice sorcery, or witchcraft. And don’t interpret omens. These practices are detestable to Yahweh. “Above all, DO NOT worship their gods! Don’t worship the sun! Or the moon! Or the stars in the sky! Yahweh gave those to the suckers in other nations as their gods. If you worship just one of them—just one time…” Moses shuddered at the thought. “Well, let’s just say, Yahweh is jealous—real jealous! If he catches you worshipping another god, I have to tell you that the gigs up. He’ll kick your asses out of the Promised Land. And scatter you among the other nations like snake shit scattered about the desert.”   Obey Yahweh and you will live in paradise   “Just obey Yahweh. You hear me? Obey him, and you will live in paradise. He will protect you from your enemies. Send rain for your crops. Nurture your herds. You will have abundant food and wine. Maybe free dance lessons—who knows? There is no limit to Yahweh’s love! Obey him, and your lives will be perfect. Disobey him, and you are fucked! It’s just that simple.” Moses waited for the impact of this essential truth to resister in their brains. Regretfully, it did not. But he concluded, “Anyhow, I’m one-hundred and twenty years old. I cannot lead you into the Promised Land. Joshua will lead you.” He again found Joshua in the crowd. “Joshua, come on up here!” Joshua, startled awake, elbowed his way through the crowd and”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Then Yahweh commanded Man, “You can eat from any tree in the Garden except the ‘Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.’ If you eat from that tree, I will kill you!”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Either way, in 722 BC, Assyria annihilated Northern Israel and its ten Israelite tribes disappear from history. Refugees flooded down into Judah, where the J and E documents were fused into a JE document that favored prophets to priests in general and Moses to Aaron in particular.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“To understand, you need some basic history. There is no evidence that Israel was ever a significant slave population in Egypt or that the mass Exodus, desert wanderings, or invasion of Canaan ever occurred. Israel appears to have simply evolved in Canaan, entering actual history when the Egyptian Pharaoh Merneptah recorded annihilating a people called “Israel” in Canaan on his victory stele, dated about 1200 BC.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Back home, Laban received the news happily and ran out to the well. He kissed and embraced Jacob and brought him back home, I guess with all the sheep, and Jacob updated everyone on all the family news back home, omitting how he stole Esau’s firstborn birthright and special blessing. Hearing it, Laban gushed, “You really are my flesh and blood!” And just like that it was settled. Jacob moved into Laban’s house and began working for him. After a while, Laban said to him, “I know we’re family, but I don’t expect you to work for free, so how much shall I pay you?” Laban had two daughters. Leah, the oldest, had lovely eyes, but she was—well, let’s be honest—she was a pig; but his youngest daughter Rachel was a complete piece of ass and Jacob was madly in love with her. So he replied, “How about I work for you for seven years and then I marry Rachel?” “Well, better you than some Hittite piece of shit,” Laban laughed, slapping Jacob on the back. “It’s a deal.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Where the fuck is the universe? Well, you asked the right question, but I’m sorry to tell you that there is no universe in the Bible. Go stand on the eastern shore of the Mediterranean Sea. Draw a circle around you a couple thousand miles in diameter. That big flat circle is the biblical “earth.” Now, place the solid blue dome of the heaven (the sky) over this “earth” and you have the biblical “world.” The Bible thinks we live in a goddamned terrarium!”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“The Hebrew word translated here as “God” is “elohim” and elohim is plural, so the first verse of the Bible should actually read: “In the beginning gods created the heaven and the earth.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Anyhow, the Bible says all the former water in Egypt remained blood for (of course) seven days. I guess they had nothing but wine to drink and, in retrospect, it must have been some party! People stumbling drunkenly around, waking up in the wrong houses naked, little children all liquored up and falling off swings and slides and puking in the playgrounds, Uncle Tutmose drunkenly fucking a camel.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“There is no evidence that Israel was ever a significant slave population in Egypt or that the mass Exodus, desert wanderings, or invasion of Canaan ever occurred.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Priests   Yahweh chose the Levites to be your priests and ministers forever. They will get no inheritance in the Promised Land and will own nothing because they have Yahweh. They will live on the food sacrificed to him (Deut. 8:1–2).   The priests will eat the shoulders, internal organs, and head meat from the sacrifices, and they get the first taste of your harvests and new wine, and the first wool sheared. They are chosen by Yahweh (Deut.18:3–5).   Any Levite from anywhere can minister at Yahweh's temple, even if he’s broke (Deut. 18:6–8).   Obey the Levitical priests regarding defiling skin diseases. Remember what Yahweh did to Miriam (Deut. 24:8–9).”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Once you are settled in your new land, sober, and certain that all Canaanites are dead and gone, you must then destroy all Canaanite holy places. Smash their altars! Cut down their Asherah poles! Incinerate their idols! But”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Just obey Yahweh. He is the god of gods! The heaven and the earth belong to him. He chose your ancestors to be his people. He is impartial. He accepts no bribes. He defends the helpless. He will send rain for your crops. He will nurture your herds. You will have all the food and wine you can eat and drink. Plus comfortable shoes. He loves you. And he loves the foreigners living among you. All you have to do is obey him.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - The Books of Moses: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity