I Like Poop Quotes

“A man and a woman are on a date. The woman says "I have something to confess, I'm actually a man." The man tells her "That's a relief, I'm not a man, I'm actually a woman." They both feel so relaxed and free that they start making out with each other. The man's vagina starts getting wet, while the woman's dick gets stiff as a pole.”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“Currently, in 2016, the Internet is the only place you can show girls your dick and there's no consequences.”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“Everything got turned to dust.”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“(Looks out window) AWEEEE FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU GOD RIGHT UP THE FUCKING ASS! WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THIS!?”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“I like planned parenthood. I support the woman's right to choose if she wants to murder her future baby. I do feel for the janitor though, this one time he was taking out the trash filled with all of the dead baby bodies... (I mean let's face it, that's where they put them. So let's be mature about this please. No laughter or funny comments. These are dead babies we’re talking about,) Anyways, the bag ripped, and squish! All the heads, torsos, everything oozed out of the bag. He was trying to mop up all the placenta juices and bodies when he slipped. It looked like a 3-Stooges bit. He had stepped on one skull for traction, and had another foot jammed so far up a stillborn's ribcage, it looked like he was wearing a shoe. He was mopping it up when someone's dog broke its leash and came running to slurp up the mess. Oh the horror! That dog must have ate at least 3 or 4 babies that day. Talk about a sticky situation! Rape is bad... But... Sometimes girls rape guys too. I'll give you an example. Anytime a guy wants to have sex, and the girl says no, she's raping the guy into not having sex. See if you can follow me here, the guy doesn't want to not have sex, but he's forced... Against his will... To not fuck her. If that's not reverse rape I don't know what is. And nobody is talking about it! Obviously it is a less extreme form of rape, but it's equal because it's much more common. You know who I feel sorry for? You guessed it: White men.”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“Other benefits include: FREE HAIRCUTS! All the women you can rape! (Overseas only) And, of course, unlimited bumper stickers! Give them to your parents and remind them that "Yesterday My Son Was A Civilian... Today He Is A Corps(e)." By signing up you agree to hold the Marines not accountable for you being yelled at, shoved, stabbed, shot at (by foreigners), shot at (by superiors), and anything else that may happen. So sign your life away up now!”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“But if you die before you get paid, rest assured Uncle Sam will take your hard earned money as a generous contribution, and make sure your family gets a heartfelt letter showing our gratitude. And, your family gets automatically entered to win a free iPad if they decide not to make us give you a funeral. (Families of limbless receive a gift certificate to Red Lobster*) *Only participating Red Lobsters: Guam Military Base, Undisclosed Location #1, Undisclosed Location #2.”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“The following is an advertisement for The Marine Corps(e): Join The Marine Corps(e)! Thousands of new positions are available because all our current recruits are "on leave" while we order their prosthetic limbs. After one hour in our coffee and donuts lounge, we put you and any other sign-on recruits into our helicopter out back, and fly you straight to the Middle East. If you survive one week, without weapons, in the heart of recent terrorist activity, your training is done. Compensation: You will be paid on commission every February 29th. The main benefit of being paid once every 4 years is... 4 years of saving! Imagine how happy your family will be when you come home with every dime you earned! And if you really love them, why not try your luck with our on-base casinos. DOUBLE OR NOTHING BABY!”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“I got into a car accident recently. Well, more accurately I crashed my car into a school... It could have been worse, it was only minor injuries. By 'minor injuries' I mean only minors were injured... LOTS OF THEM... BADLY...”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“You know these girls wearing leggings that show off their legs and ass perfectly through their pants? I think the next step is for us guys to wear leggings too, with a part sticking out in the shape of a dick. Our dicks would fit into it and guys would be walking with perfect silhouettes of our dicks flopping around... Or we could be fully erect. Lots of options there! Because the next step after that is for girls to have a part of their leggings that go up into their vaginas! So we can walk up to them and literally fuck without taking off any clothing. By the way, the leggings will act as a condom too. But I doubt that idea will take off. We aren't actually a sex crazed country. Seriously, look at the stores around the average city. We have shops for nick-knacks like postcards, snow globes, lawn gnomes, and all around stupid shit. Then, when I walk past a girls clothing store and I see mannequin bodies of hot ass girls that show off some sexy clothing...”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“People always want to get me into watching football. I don't understand it. It's not interesting at all. Why can't they all be on the same side? Instead, what happens is as soon as one guy catches the football, the other team gets in his way and annoys the shit out of the guy with the ball. Jesus Christ. Why don't they get their own fucking ball.”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“My thoughts on breast cancer: I'm okay with it. A tumor makes a girl's boobs bigger. So fuck it.”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“My thoughts on breast cancer: I'm okay with it. A tumor makes a girl's boobs bigger. So fuck it. A great man once said "Never say never," and that man... Was Justin Bieber.”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“Women should donate their period blood to the Red Cross. It was only minor injuries... By that I mean only minors were injured. Osama’s Original Tower of Terror: THE RIDE! I've met a guy named Dick... But never met a woman named Pussy. Sign”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“It's stupid to wake up with $0.00 in your pocket and realize your life is in shambles. Might as well be proactive and realize it pretty much already sucks. When you have $500-$1,000 cash* left, you can consider yourself homeless. *I consider $500-$1,000 enough for one year. So it's best to come up with $500-$1,000 more after each year you do this. 2) Next, pick up cheap habits.”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“Go to your closest grocery store, walk up to the first person you see and tell them "I WANT TO HAVE MY BALLS FILLED WITH BUM CUM, NOW!" This is the phrase that will give you 20% off. Corny joke alert: In all cities they have a speed limit, but the Miami beaches should have a SPEEDO LIMIT! Woah! I'm a wild one here!”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“Afterward, she told me she was having cramps and bleeding. It was a terrible feeling for her. This is serious when you're pregnant, and I was stressing because she was ready to pop. I took her to the hospital right away. After hours of pacing back and forth, the doctor finally came out with some GOOD news. It turns out it was just a miscarriage. Boy, I dodged a bullet there! So I broke up with her then and there and I lived happily ever after. I guess the point to my story is sometimes life gives us problems that we don't know how to deal with, but if we hold on long enough, they have a way of sorting themselves out. :)”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“I think it's funny that USA are the first 3 letters in the name Usama Bin Laden. Yes you can spell it Osama, but Usama makes me smile because it's ironic. This guy literally killed 3,000 American people, PLUS he was responsible for 2 wars killing even more... But his name literally spells America! So maybe he wasn't that bad? Something”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“My niece just had her first period. She ran up to me screaming "I'M BLEEDING, I THINK I'VE GOT A CUT!" I calmly sat her down and said "You forgot the N sweetheart, you’re bleeding because you've got a cuNt." ...I actually had to bury my niece a few weeks later. She bled to death. It turns out she really did have a cut, more of a gash really... I should've known it was serious because 4 is a little young to start your period...”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“You pay, insert your dick in a hole in the machine, and it sucks you off. Think of it, maybe you've had a rough day, or you're about to go to the club. It would be very useful! But sadly, no one has made it a reality. For a society that pumps out sex to sell stuff we don't need, we are very sexually repressed when it comes to actually doing the act. I admit I'm a little perverted, but a 50 cent blow job is a hell of a lot better than any store I could ever find wandering the mall. Most of the time I end up walking into a fucking card store, reading Goddamn puns about how grandpa is getting over the hill. "You're not old, you're vintage." No, you're fucking old grandpa, you smell like dick cheese...”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“let them know "I'm not afraid to go back to jail!" First,”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“I mean give me a fucking break.”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“Yeah and most of all I still have a bigger dick than almost all these kids, so if anyone's getting fucked it's going to be me! I'm still in the lead.”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop

“sex”
― Mike Sov, I Like Poop