The Queen & the Homo Jock King Quotes

“I am not defined by tragedy. Instead, I made it my bitch.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“I am Lulu Deerdancer and I am twenty-nine years old and I am perfectly legal to enter this here homosexual establishment and partake in beverages and repetitive techno music.”
“Because you both have been here before.”
“Yes,” I said.
“Hmm,” the bouncer said.
Then Paul sneezed and his mustache flew off his face and landed on the cheek of the bouncer.
The silence that followed was slightly awkward.
“Huh,” Paul said. “I guess that’s easier than shaving. It’ll certainly revolutionize the facial hair industry.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Is it your lovah?”
“No,” I said. “It’s my pastor. I’m having an existential crisis and need guidance.”
“Sure. Guidance right into your butthole.”
“Corey,” I said, appalled. “Apologize to God and Jesus. You know how they get when you talk about gay sex. Offended. Offended is how they get. My word. Guard your mortal soul, boy.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“He’s a bit of a dick,” I said, flailing for something.
Paul rolled his eyes. “Well it’s a good thing you’re a bottom, because you’re an asshole, so the two of you fit together just fine.”
“Wow,” I said. “That was a thing of beauty.”
Paul looked rather pleased with himself. “Thank you. Wordplay is just like foreplay. You have to just ease into it a little—”
“Yeah, you’re losing me now.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“I wouldn’t make out with Darren,” Vince said. “I’m in a one hundred percent committed relationship with Paul.”
“Aw,” Paul said. “That’s so—wait a minute. That’s the only reason?”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” Vince said. “I mean, he’s attractive, right?”
“You’ll get there in a second,” Paul said.
“Get where? It’s not as if I’m going to do—oh. Wait. He’s my brother.”
“There it is,” Corey said.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“It started when I was a kid. I would pout and people would give me things like burritos or baseball cards. Then I got older and people would try and give me sex instead, and I just wanted another burrito.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“I remember, the first time I saw you.”
I did too, something seared into my memory, but it wasn’t about me, right then.
“You were this… fierce thing,” he said, moving the wipe to my left eye, pressing carefully to the eyelid. “Tall and gorgeous and fucking bitchy as all hell.” He set the wipe down behind me and then pulled out another. He started in on the other eye. “And I didn’t think I’d ever seen anything as amazing as you before.”
My throat clicked audibly as I wondered where this was leading to. Because he was talking about Helena, not me.
“You were with Paul,” he continued. “Though I didn’t know who he was at the time. All I wanted to do was find out who you were.”
He finished with my eyes and used another wipe on my cheeks. My lips, though, there wasn’t much lipstick left.
He didn’t say much more until he’d finished. By the time he sat back, my skin felt raw and my heart was tripping all over itself in my chest.
“And then you disappeared,” he said. “But you came back. As her.”
I froze.
He sighed and took my hands in his. “You were Sandy when I first saw you,” he said, squeezing my fingers. “You were Helena when I saw you again.” His eyes darted away. “And you were Sandy when I was an asshole. That was on me, and I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive myself for that.” He took a deep breath and let it out slow. “I don’t care if you’re Helena. I don’t care if you never put on a wig again. I will take anything you’re willing to give me. But just know that it was you I saw first, Sandy. Not her. I don’t need her or whatever division you think exists. I don’t want just part of you. I want all of you.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Charlie snorted. “Ms. Muffman, may I introduce to you Lulu Deerdancer and Buster Cleveland. According to their IDs, both are in their twenties. Lulu here likes to fellate a sucker on his finger while laughing like a hyena. Buster is a self-proclaimed leather cub who sneezed his mustache on my face.”
Ms. Muffman threw her head back and laughed, a low throaty thing that made me want to know all her secrets immediately. “Oh, this is delightful. I am delighted by the two of you. But this is no place for little boys. Shoo, little boys. Come back when you have hair on your balls.”
“Uh,” Paul said. “I have several, so….”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Absolutely not. I won't do this. I have some morals after all. Not a lot, but some. Okay, not really, but I'm going to try to have them right now. It's my New Year's resolution.
- It's October.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“So they can do anal but they can't have a talk about feelings? That seems backward if you ask me.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Two minutes later, my bedroom door flew open and Paul Auster entered.
And then stopped.
He stared at the naked man in my bed.
He then looked over at me collapsed dramatically in my closet buried in a pile of clothes and screaming into a scarf.
“I don’t know what it says about my life,” he said, “that nothing about this situation is surprising.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Being gay is so hard,” he muttered. “Not only do you have to admit that, but then you have to find out what kind of gay you are. It’s all very confusing. It was so much easier when we played with Legos instead of dressing like leather cubs and pedo-bait.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Sam Haversford. You had a crush on him”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Take a shower. You smell like what sad dreams are made of.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Sometimes we hope for things to be a certain way, even though we know most likely it will never be. I think it's better to temper expectations toward something realistic rather than something fantastical. It makes things easier when people let you down.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“I was very convincing. If there was an award for best he-she performance in front of a government official, I would have won it hands down.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“I felt aroused and confused. It was like I was twelve again and standing in front of the men’s underwear section at Kmart, looking at the headless torsos on the Hanes packages and wondering why I was getting sweaty.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Gustavo Tiberius?” I asked. “That’s the name you come up with?”
He shrugged. “There has to be someone in the world with that name. He’s probably badass and does things like gunplay and is into BDSM or something.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“If I ever catch you performing ‘Let It Go’ from Frozen, I’ll castrate you and feed your dicks to some horses.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“He smiled at me, and it was a thing of dark malevolence. “It means,” he said, “that we can double date. Just the four of us. Doesn’t that sound like fun?” And I thought there was a distinct possibility that I would rather be waterboarded. With bleach. On my birthday. In Kentucky. “Great,” I said. “Super great. Like, the greatest idea you’ve ever had.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“I don’t want just part of you. I want all of you.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“You’re right,” I said. “You’re absolutely right. And there is only one way to clear this up.”
Vince looked relieved. “You’re going to talk to him about this like a mature and responsible adult.”
“What?” I said. “Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. [...]”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Sometimes things don’t always work.” I kept my voice even. “It’s not anyone’s fault. It doesn’t happen, no matter how hard you try.”
He shrugged. “Maybe. But then you have to ask yourself if you really tried at all, you know? One day, when I’m ready, I’m going to make sure I try my hardest. Because if you don’t give it your all, you might as well not be doing anything.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Guests were never allowed to do the dishes. It was almost considered insulting to have them even try.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“It was something I thought on often, the idea of family being what you make it to be, not necessarily what you were born into.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“I’ve told him to get over himself for years and just ask you out already. But he was always like, ‘Mom, you don’t understand.’” Her voice had dropped in an approximation of her son and it was glorious. “Sandy’s not like everyone else. He’s too perfect. You just don’t get it. God. Just let me sit here and stew in my man pain.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Years?” I repeated in such a way to portray my incredulity and also to encourage her to tell me everything.
“Years,” she agreed. “It was always Sandy this, Helena that with him. For a while there, I was a little concerned at how creepy it was getting. I was waiting for the day that I’d get a call from the police because he’d kidnapped you and put you in a hole in his basement.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“Either I wasn’t as intimidating as I thought I was or he’d gotten used to being threatened by me; neither scenario boded well for our future. There would need to be a course correction, and soon.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“I mean, I get that you don’t agree with homosexuality, like it’s some kind of decision. I get that you’re conservative, and that’s your right to be. But something I’ve never understood about the argument against gay rights is how it has any effect on a straight person. Sanctity of marriage? Don’t get gay married. Disgusted by gay sex? Don’t have gay sex. Gay people having children? They’re not your children, so why does it matter? How do gay people with equal rights affect your life in any way, shape, or form?”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King

“I’d never understood how someone can bring a child into this world and not love them for the rest of their lives, regardless if they were gay or straight or transgender or any other thing that might set them apart. If you couldn’t love your child no matter who they grew up to be, then you probably shouldn’t have become a parent in the first place.”
― T.J. Klune, The Queen & the Homo Jock King