Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life Quotes

“People cheat because something is lacking in them—connection, empathy, good character. Cheating is about entitlement. You might actually be a crappy spouse, but you did not make your spouse cheat.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“You might have to wait years for them to nosedive, but they will. These are people who have lousy life skills. The older they get, the less they sparkle. It becomes harder to operate on pure entitlement, and it all catches up to them—the debt, the lack of investment in relationships, the booze. Whatever it is, chances are they aren’t going to wise up, get healthy, and face it. They’ll use their same old crappy manipulations with the same old crappy results. Only you won’t be around this time to pin it on. Their new soul mate gets that honor.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Infidelity is a choice. People cheat because they feel entitled to cheat. That’s it. That’s my simple answer to the painful question of why. I don’t believe people cheat because they’re broken, or they have family of origin issues, or because of the staggering powers of Facebook crushes. I don’t believe people cheat because of midlife crises, which descend on former church deacons like a toxic cloud of musk cologne. I don’t believe people cheat because of perimenopause.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“I need to be in a relationship where I am fully loved and respected. You don’t love me the way I deserve to be loved. Buh-bye.” Don’t ask yourself what you did to be so unlovable. Don’t dance the pick-me dance. Just let go. I’m sure the butterflies will be migrating again soon.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“If you let this pain crack open your heart and you accept the vulnerability and chaos, you’re going to be a better person for it. You will never be smug again. And that right there makes you 99 percent less of an asshole than most of the general population. You’re a survivor who knows what every other disaster survivor knows—life can unjustly fall apart. You”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“You are not responsible for being cheated on. That isn’t your fault. But you are entirely responsible for how you respond to abuse. That is on us, chumps. Trust that they suck. And trust that you do not suck and deserve better.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“The “Infidelity is a symptom of larger marital issues” argument implies that if you “cure” the marriage, the infidelity will disappear. Aside from the fact that the majority of cheaters report that they are happily married, it’s not unhappiness that makes people cheat—it’s poor character. Yes, they may be unhappy. People often are. It’s what you choose to do about it.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“But if you’re rooted, if your family means the world to you, then the theft of that life is devastating. Because it’s not just that the earth opened up and swallowed up everything you hold dear, like some natural disaster. No—some idiot did this to you. Because they weren’t invested. Because it was easier to lie to you and extract value from you, and let you go on believing your world was safe when it wasn’t.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Be an enigma. Don’t show them your vulnerability. Don’t try to plead or reason with them, or tell them you care. That’s power to a cheater. I know you don’t see it that way, but you’re not empathy- and character-deficient the way they are. This person has just demonstrated to you in the most intimate and humiliating way how little respect they have for your feelings. So it stands to reason that they cannot be trusted with more of your feelings.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“So who was picking up the slack while the cheater was out chasing the butterflies of aliveness? Who was rocking babies, packing school lunches, and bringing home their paychecks? Who existed in the same less-than-stellar marriage and didn’t blow their boss? Chumps. Cheating takes time and resources away from the marriage—so, just by virtue of being there and not screwing around, chumps are usually the more invested partners. Not perfect partners, but committed ones.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“You cannot cheat on someone without gaslighting and lying to them, denying their reality, bit by bit, lie by lie. Stifling their suspicions, turning it back on them, and accusing them of being crazy and oversensitive. Infidelity subverts chumps’ sense of normalcy and makes them question the solidity of everything. Who knew? Why didn’t they tell me? Did my in-laws know? Have my friends welcomed the affair partner into their circle? Did my kids know? Were they introduced? Is every single fucking thing in my life polluted?”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Chumps direct a lot of energy at trying to figure out cheaters and even more energy at blaming themselves, both of which are pointless”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Okay, she won. She beat you in the pick-me dance for fantastic fuckwit prizes. You got the set of luggage. She got the fuckwit.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Infidelity is liberating in a sense, because the true person is revealed.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Somehow, not judging has become very much in vogue. When presented with a dilemma, it’s what the progressive-minded are supposed to do. Not judging is great when it comes to superficialities like, “I’m not going to judge your green, bouffant hair,” or civil rights like, “I’m not going to judge your sexual orientation,” but it falls apart when you apply it to moral dilemmas. “I’m not going to judge the Syrian refugee crisis” just makes you sound like an asshole.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Look, I’m sorry about your sunk costs, but put your mind at rest: Your cheater is not going to be different for the affair partner. Cheaters don’t have magical character transplants. They’re still the same selfish people with crappy life skills. Thinking they will be different for someone else is just another way of believing the infidelity has something to do with you. It doesn’t. It’s not about whether or not the Other Woman has bigger tits or a trust fund, or if the Other Man earns more money and has straighter teeth (chances are he’s a troll). It’s about kibbles. Who is a better source of narcissistic supply? The answer to that is usually—both of you. Cake.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Actually, manipulation is just a continuation of their existing strategy. You can’t cheat on chumps without lying to or gaslighting them. Cheaters are not about to change tactics and go with unvarnished honesty now. Remain highly skeptical. Judge cheaters by their actions over time—a long time. Don’t assume friendship and mutuality where it doesn’t exist.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Remember what I said about cheaters not playing by the same set of rules as you? You just woke up to find out you’re in the fifth inning of Cheater Ball. When did the game start? What’s the score? Your cheater isn’t going to tell you. For cheaters, part of the game of Cheater Ball is denying they’re playing Cheater Ball. Work from the assumption that your cheater has a very different agenda than you do and that your well-being is not at the top of it.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“We don’t get the lives we expect, but ultimately that’s okay. If you maintain your integrity, you get an authentic life, which is more than your cheater can say. There is no shame in loving with your whole heart, or counting on promises made to you. Good people invest when they love and they invest deeply. Just because someone tried to fuck with your reality doesn’t mean they succeeded in actually altering reality. You’re still you. This is still your story. You had a Potemkin partner, but that doesn’t mean that plastic cutout person fronting a lie is a reflection on you.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“If you’re the person who had to file for divorce, don’t accept the Bad Guy status your kids and your cheating ex may try to inflict on you. Chumps are often people pleasers who don’t want to let anyone down (despite being grievously let down themselves). Please don’t assume responsibility for your partner’s cheating. Divorce is a consequence. You break the rules, you pay the consequences. Even a fourth-grader understands that. Although it’s terrifically sad that they ever have to.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Practice meh. The cruelest thing you can do to cheaters is pay no attention to them. Their little narcissist souls die every time a kibble is withheld. When you engage in drama, you’re filling the trough with ego kibbles. If you show them your pain, the only thing that registers with them is that they matter. They feel central! Pretty! Fought over! When you practice indifference, however, it unnerves them. They usually try to up their kibble game with “remorse,” or more in-your-face antics to get a rise out of you. (Feed me! Feed me!) Do not give in. Practice meh.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Once you know you’ve been betrayed, you can’t unknow it. Every memory is tainted or suspect. That Christmas when we were opening presents with the kids? You were texting him then? When I was studying for that exam and you were going to give me time alone, you were really with her?”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“The victim of infidelity lives a lie of assumed safety with the person they love. The lie goes on for months or years, maybe even decades. But unlike the mugging victim, the infidelity victim gives freely. They’re not held up at gunpoint. No, they generously give their wallet, their sex life, their career, their children, their time—every resource they have at their disposal goes to the cheater. It’s a much more insidious theft. And the theft is possible only because we’ve been duped into believing this person loves us and is on our team.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“People who love you don’t goad you into humiliating competitions.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“little scary to leave the barbed-wire”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“It’s important to remember that the cheater is the bad guy. Don’t accept that role yourself. Don’t take responsibility for the fallout. By divorcing, you are just enforcing the consequences that result from the cheater’s selfish destructiveness. You are not being selfish—you are protecting yourself and your children from further harm.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“I tend to divide cheaters into two camps: those who attempt remorse and those who step over your crumpled, sobbing body and go fix themselves a Hot Pocket. The Hot Pocket cheaters usually sleep like babies too, totally untroubled by their betrayals. In my opinion, the Hot Pocket cheaters are sociopaths. No adaptive anxiety; they’re totally chill and indifferent to your agony.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“it’s not unhappiness that makes people cheat—it’s poor character.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“You have to be true to your values. If you believe in monogamy and commitment, stand up for that! There’s nothing wrong with you for expecting what you were promised. You’re not naive or unsophisticated—you were trusting.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

“Well, here’s my advice to you, SAS: Whatever flavor of fucked up it is, get away from it. Or, as they say in recovery parlance: “Detach with love.” I understand that you still love your husband, but some love isn’t good for you. When someone is constantly disrespecting you with lies and harming your health, you need to love yourself more and escape the abuse cycle.”
― Tracy Schorn, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide