Honky Tonk Samurai Quotes

“That's love for you. When it's good, it's magic. When it isn't, it just pees all in your soup.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Honky Tonk Samurai

“Jim Bob looked at his watch.
"I got time to get there and shower up, put on some smell-good, buy a couple packs of rubbers, and meet my barrel racer."
"Couple packs of rubbers," Brett said. "Very romantic."
"Ah, honey, I'm taking her to dinner first, and I always let the woman put the rubber on, and I think two packs is enough. And don't worry. I need an extra pack, I can send her to the drugstore. I got a bicycle in the garage.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Honky Tonk Samurai

“Shit, I could jerk you up from there, pop you like a whip. Pop you so hard your snatch will snap off and smack the wall."

"So," Vanilla said. "How was charm school?”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Honky Tonk Samurai

“In polite society what you say to an attractive woman who is dressed in a way that makes you understand the power of biology is, "You look nice.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Honky Tonk Samurai

“The heat moved across the morning like an invisible truck, heavy and crushing, and with a hotter engine than the day before.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Honky Tonk Samurai

“You turn out to be someone doesn’t know the difference between diarrhea and hamburger gravy, you may not only get yourself killed, which I can live with, you might, most importantly, get me killed, and that would be a fucking loss to the world, I guarantee.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Honky Tonk Samurai

“I was starting to feel as if I were getting along in years and the recent ones were angry at me. By the time you’re fifty you start to realize just how much of your time on earth you’ve wasted.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Honky Tonk Samurai

“He can,” Leonard said. “He’s got patents on sex toys. Nice stuff—he ought to show you the line sometime. What’s in his catalog is for sale. There’s this one—a big purple rubber dick with metal studs on it—that will make you scream like there’s a man with a chain saw after you. And me, I got some serious-ass money. A white couple left me their estate. I was their gardener for about ten years. They didn’t know that secretly I hated them for their whiteness and called them ugly names behind their backs. Cracker, honky, and such. That old, wrinkly lady, and her having me stud her. Jesus. That was some tough work, I got to tell you. I’d rather have had a job wiping asses in hell. Dropped her drawers, lay down on the bed, that thing of hers looked like a taco rolled in hair rotting on a blanket. Paid all right, though. Still, you had to get past the smell and imagine it was a goddamn donkey to get a hard-on.” I thought: Gardener? White couple? Stud to a wrinkly old lady? Get past the smell? What the fuck?”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Honky Tonk Samurai: Hap and Leonard Book 9