Getting the Love You Want Quotes

“When we were babies, we didn’t smile sweetly at our mothers to get them to take care of us. We didn’t pinpoint our discomfort by putting it into words. We simply opened our mouths and screamed. And it didn’t take us long to learn that, the louder we screamed, the quicker they came. The success of this tactic was turned into an “imprint,” a part of our stored memory about how to get the world to respond to our needs: “When you are frustrated, provoke the people around you.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“He thought he was in love with a person, when in fact he was in love with an image projected upon that person. Cheryl was not a real person with needs and desires of her own; she was a resource for the satisfaction of his unconscious childhood longings. He was in love with the idea of wish fulfillment and--like Narcissus--with a reflected part of himself.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Helen and I like to think of two people in a conscious love relationship as companion stars. Each person is a unique individual ablaze with potential. One is just as important as the other, and each has a unique and equally valid view of the universe. Yet, together, they form a greater whole, kept connected by the pull of mutual love and respect. They mirror the interconnected universe.     New”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“We have learned over the years of helping couples that just spending quality time talking about each other’s pasts can be very helpful. We’ve seen how effective this can be in our couples’ workshops. Years ago, we devoted half the workshop time to helping couples learn more about each other’s pasts. Now, we spend a fraction of that time and get the same results. There is a concept informally called woundology, where couples spend too much time dwelling on the past, which should be avoided. Nonetheless, spending some time sharing your childhood experiences is vital because it gives you a better understanding of your partner’s inner reality and helps you shift from judgment to curiosity and empathy.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“In literature, as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others. —ANDRÉ MAUROIS”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Negativity is any thought, word, or deed that tells your partner, “You’re not OK when you think what you think or act the way that you act.” In essence, you are rejecting your partner’s “otherness.” We sometimes feel the need to negate our partners when they do or say something that makes us uncomfortable. Usually, they are just being themselves. But from our point of view, they are threatening an image that we have of them, or they are failing to meet an unspoken need of our own.”
― Harville Hendrix;Helen Hunt, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“People believe that separation opens their eyes to their self-defeating behaviors and gives them an opportunity to resolve those problems with a new partner. But unless they under- stand the unconscious desires that motivated their dysfunctional behavior in the first relationship and learn how to satisfy those desires with the new partner, the second relationship is destined to run aground on the same submerged rocks.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“In the words of Wordsworth, we come into the world “trailing clouds of glory,” but the fire is soon extinguished, and we lose sight of the fact that we are whole, spiritual beings. We live impoverished, repetitious, unrewarding lives and blame our partners for our unhappiness.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“LOVE HEALS ALL” is a well-known sentiment. And it can. It can even heal the deepest emotional wound of all—the ruptured connection between you and your parents. But it needs to be a specific kind of love. It needs to be a mature, patient love that is free of manipulation and distortion, and it needs to take place within the context of an intimate relationship. Receiving empathy from a friend may be very moving, but it does not reach all the way down into your psyche. In order to heal the painful experiences of the past, you need to receive love from a person whom your unconscious mind has merged with your childhood caregivers.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Ironically, for reasons we will explore in later chapters, fusers (who experienced neglectful caretaking) and isolators (who experienced intrusive parenting) tend to grow up and marry each other, thus beginning an infuriating game of push and pull that leaves neither partner satisfied.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“A man who attended a recent workshop said that “falling in love with my wife made me feel loved and accepted for who I was for the very first time. It was intoxicating.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Dr. Hendrix, why do couples have such a hard time staying together?” I thought for a moment and then responded. “I don’t have the foggiest notion. That is a great question and I think I’ll spend the rest of my career trying to find out.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“generally speaking, there are two simplified categories that parenting falls into: intrusive or neglectful caretaking. Parents were either overinvolved—telling us what to do, think, and feel—or they were underinvolved—physically or emotionally absent. These challenges are across the spectrum from subtle to severe. As a response, we become anxious and self-absorbed, losing our capacity for empathy. We become the walking wounded in a battlefield of injured soldiers. For the child who experienced intrusive parents, in later years, she becomes an isolator, a person who unconsciously pushes others away. She keeps people at a distance because she needs to have “a lot of space” around her; she wants the freedom to come and go as she pleases; she thinks independently, speaks freely, processes her emotions internally, and proudly dons her self-reliant attitude. All the while underneath this cool exterior is a two-year-old girl who was not allowed to satisfy her natural need for independence. When she marries, her need to be a distinct “self” will be on the top of her hidden agenda.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.   The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable: through the embracing of one of its beings. —MARTIN BUBER”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“People believe
that separation opens their eyes to their self-defeating behaviors and gives them an
opportunity to resolve those problems with a new partner. But unless they under-
stand the unconscious desires that motivated their dysfunctional behavior in the first relationship and learn how to satisfy those desires with the new partner, the second relationship is destined to run aground on the same submerged rocks.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“When Harville awakened, he looked at the same scene with a loud and appreciative exclamation. I was tempted to explain to him that I had already seen the beautiful view and was now working on an important email. But I recalled the “Still Face” video and moved to the window to join Harville’s enthusiasm for the rising sun and shining beach, rather than be a still face. If I had not joined him, his excitement would have had no echo. The power of this experience led us to include it as a technique we recommend to couples in our workshops and therapy, to cultivate curiosity and wonder by echoing the joy (or the sadness) in their partners. THE”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“the unconscious is trying to resurrect the past is not a matter of habit or blind compulsion but of a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“There are times in most relationships when one partner is mystified by the other’s behavior: “You’re crazy. You keep doing the same things over and over, and it’s totally unproductive!” Or, “I am totally confused by you. You make no sense.” “I’m surprised that you’re going to accept that promotion. You are far too busy already.” There are also times when you are triggered by something your partner does or by your partner’s repetitive behavior. Knowing something about your childhoods will help you understand that.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“From our view, these scars are very active in adult intimate relationships and show up constantly when a partner turns away or shows a still face when the other is trying to engage.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Helen’s research in the field of epistemology, the science of “how we know what we know,” helps explain why. There are two different types of knowing: “Separate Knowing” and “Connected Knowing.” Here’s an illustration of the differences between the two. You have a “separate” or intellectual knowing of an apple if you can recognize a picture of the fruit, understand that it contains the seeds of the plant, or talk about its health benefits. You have a “connected” or more experiential knowing of an apple when you hold one in your hand, feel the waxy texture of the skin, smell it, and taste it. Separate knowing is abstract. Connected knowing is concrete. Combining these two ways of knowing can give you a more comprehensive level of understanding. You learn about the apple and you taste it.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Instead, you will begin to see that you are partners suffering from past hurts and also partners in the project of helping each other create safety in your relationship and respond to each other’s needs.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“FOR THE SAKE of clarity, I would like to reduce the discussion in these first five chapters to its simplest form. First of all, we choose our partners for two basic reasons: (1) they have both the positive and the negative qualities of the people who raised us, and (2) they compensate for positive parts of our being that were cut off in childhood. We enter the relationship with the unconscious assumption that our partner will become a surrogate parent and make up for all the deprivation of our childhood. All we have to do to be healed is to form a close, lasting relationship. After a time we realize that our strategy is not working. We are “in love,” but not whole. We decide that the reason our plan is not working is that our partners are deliberately ignoring our needs. They know exactly what we want, and when and how we want it, but for some reason they are deliberately withholding it from us. This makes us angry, and for the first time we begin to see our partners’ negative traits. We then compound the problem by projecting our own denied negative traits onto them. As conditions deteriorate, we decide that the best way to force our partners to satisfy our needs is to be unpleasant and irritable, just as we were in the cradle. If we yell loud enough and long enough, we believe, our partners will come to our rescue. And, finally, what gives the power struggle its toxicity is the underlying unconscious belief that, if we cannot entice, coerce, or seduce our partners into taking care of us, we will face the fear greater than all other fears—the fear of death.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“The outside shapes the inside”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“We embrace the knowledge that affirmations and negativity cannot travel the same neural pathways at the same time.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“and hurtful comments and replace them with respectful, safe interactions. You must move from self-care to caring for this Space Between.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“As you work your way step by step through Imago Therapy, you will be creating a zone of safety between you—a sacred space we call the Space Between—that is essential for getting the love you want. You might liken this zone to a river that runs between you. You both drink from the river and bathe in it, so it’s important that it be free from garbage and toxins. Your interactions in the Space Between determines what you experience inside. To keep the water running clean and pure, you must stop filling it with criticisms”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“When people use their rational minds to defeat depression, the part of the brain that is linked with rumination and excessive thinking calms down. ... Once again, thinking, alone, has been shown to alter the physiology of the brain.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“For the purposes of my work with couples, I was keenly interested in the fact that changing your thoughts can change your brain. In a type of therapy called Behavior Change Therapy, or BCT, people are trained in how to use their rational minds to challenge the thoughts and beliefs that can cause depression.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“I have witnessed this phenomenon of two-way healing so many times in my work with couples that I can now say with confidence that most husbands and wives have identical needs, but what is openly acknowledged in one is denied in the other. When the partners with the denied need are able to overcome their resistance and satisfy the other partners' overt need, a part of the unconscious mind interprets the caring behavior as self-directed. Love of the self is achieved through love of the other.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples