The Tome of Bill - Volume 1 Quotes

“The world couldn’t even deliver me clichés correctly.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“Apparently, the first thing a legend is made of is their big mouth.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“Most of us don’t clock our social lives against the geologic time table.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“It’s not the information itself that’s important – it’s all about perception. Hell, turn on Fox news at six PM and tell me that’s not true.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“Imagine an existence such as that. Unable to do anything but tolerate the whim of your captor. Unable to even die unless granted mercy.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“If I was going to be an eternal creature of the night, I should probably, at some point, get over any fear I might have about walking around during it. You don't see tigers making it a point only to stalk their prey in well-lit, middle-class areas.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“a geek with a decent-sized circle of friends and a quick enough wit to be tolerated by the other social cliques can waltz through school fairly unmolested.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“A skilled DM is probably worth a few missing digits.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“Sorry. Hi, Bill. How are you this fine morning?” “I’m fine. How are you?” “Wonderful. Now get the fuck in here before I kill your character.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“if He-Man ever took out Skeletor, the forces of evil would be pretty well fucked, as the rest of them were a bunch of numbnuts.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“Call me shallow, but I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks. The world has so many more possibilities when you're hot.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“It is a place where the tragically hip go to die, and people with more fashion sense than brain cells gather like moths to a flame.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“Normally I would have picked that moment to dive into an unoccupied cubicle; however, I had changed too. With the fate of the world resting upon my shoulders, the very least I could do was stand my ground and say “hi.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“You were...(God, please give me the strength to not say it)...disarmed.” (Thanks for nothing, God)”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“People who crack wise tend to cause just as much laughter as abject anger.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“So, I'm shit out of luck and get to spend eternity sticking out like a sore thumb.” “Yeah, but that might not be a bad thing.” “This phrase you say, I do not think it means what you think it does.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“Ed shook his head. “No. I don’t think so. That would be a waste of some perfectly good ass. They're too rare (at least in our apartment) to kill. You don't hunt endangered species. Killing a hot chick would be like clubbing a baby seal. Not cool.” Damn, he had me there. Score one for logic.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“I'm surprised you're not freaking.” “I don't freak,” he said bluntly. “You kinda did when I burst into flames earlier.” “You caught me by surprise. Next time, I'll just whip out the marshmallows.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“Blessing? I'm not a homophobe or anything, but that sounded just a little too much like a line from this bukake film I sorta accidentally downloaded the other week.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“Just for the record, should you ever find yourself in a similar scenario, the middle of a monologue is the perfect time to send your free fist smashing into the bad guy's crotch.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1

“Unless I was seriously hallucinating, I've seen enough movies to know that I was most likely going to wake up with a serious overbite and a hankering for a hunk of blood. Oh, well, as long as I wasn't also all sparkly, because that would just be fucking weird.”
― Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1