Back From Betrayal Quotes

“When an affair comes to light, predictability, dependability, and faith vanish. We learn that our mate’s past behavior has been very different from what he had led us to believe, and we therefore have no basis from which to predict his future behavior. We no longer feel we can depend on his concern for us. Moreover, not only can we no longer be certain of the durability of his fundamental attitudes, but we suddenly realize we don’t even know what his fundamental attitudes and values are. All the elements of trust are gone.”
― Jennifer Schneider, Back From Betrayal: Recovering from the Trauma of Infidelity

“For the couple who decide to rebuild their relationship after disclosure of infidelity, re-establishing trust is the major task. This is usually a slow process that takes months to years and requires much work on the part of both partners. My interviews with recovering couples that formed the basis of my book, Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness: Couples Speak on Healing From Sex Addiction, suggested it takes an average of two years for trust to be fully restored. In order to allow a betrayed partner to again develop faith in the addict, he or she must consistently demonstrate honesty, predictability, and dependability.”
― Jennifer Schneider, Back From Betrayal: Recovering from the Trauma of Infidelity

“Erich Fromm, in his book The Art of Loving, lists four basic elements common to all forms of love: (1) care – an active concern for the life and growth of the other person; (2) responsibility – the ability to respond to the needs of the other, generally to the psychic needs of the other; (3) respect – the ability to see the other person as a unique individual, not as an object of exploitation; and (4) knowledge of the other person.17 The active addict cannot consistently show caring, responsibility, and respect to his partner and therefore cannot love them. I don’t believe that an emotionally healthy person would choose to remain indefinitely with a mate with whom there is no relationship and who cannot love their partner. To remain with such a spouse is to continue to believe that one does not deserved to be nurtured by another person.”
― Jennifer Schneider, Back From Betrayal: Recovering from the Trauma of Infidelity

“How do we go about this? Forgiveness is a slow process that may take years. It involves several steps, the first of which is to recognize that a wrong has been done to us. As people accustomed to denying our own feelings, making excuses for our partner’s hurtful actions, and taking responsibility when things go wrong, we may not find this easy. We need to acknowledge that our spouse’s behavior was inexcusable, that he or she behaved in ways that caused us a great deal of pain.”
― Jennifer Schneider, Back From Betrayal: Recovering from the Trauma of Infidelity

“4.Grief/Ambivalence: This is where you experience the full emotional impact of what has happened, especially intense pain, hopelessness, grief, rejection, and loss of your relationship as you thought it was. You also experience ambivalence about the relationship, because you start to develop self-awareness and to consider your own needs and desires rather than focusing on your partner.       5.Repair: In this period, which may take years to reach, you concentrate on your personal growth. You may revisit and come to more peace about negative childhood experiences and how they may have influenced your choices and decisions in your relationship. You develop your spirituality.”
― Jennifer Schneider, Back From Betrayal: Recovering from the Trauma of Infidelity

“In their marriage, partners never quite feel secure; there is always the fear of an imminent disaster, most likely of the mate’s leaving the relationship. Needing to see the addict in a positive light, the partner tends to make excuses for the addict’s hurtful behavior and tries to remember only the good times. For as long as possible, partners deny any evidence of the mate’s affairs, and if confrontation can no longer be avoided, they believe the mate’s promise to change. Whenever what the addict says disagrees with the objective evidence, partners are likely to believe what the addict says. They keep hoping that things will be better in the future, and usually have an apparently plausible explanation for why things are not that good at the moment.”
― Jennifer Schneider, Back From Betrayal: Recovering from the Trauma of Infidelity