Selected Tweets Quotes

“I don’t actually enjoy parties or relationships, I just like the idea that I could maybe be in either of those things”
― Mira Gonzalez, Selected Tweets

“I want my funeral to be a pizza party with 500 pizzas and nobody is allowed to leave until all the pizzas are eaten”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“PRO TIP: IF YOU’RE SAD AND ALONE IN THE PLACE YOU LIVE THEN YOU GO TO ANOTHER PLACE YOU WILL STILL BE SAD AND ALONE WHEN YOU COME BACK”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“A child said to me ‘Do you want to see my penis?’ and I said ‘Maybe when you’re older’ and his mom said ‘What’s wrong with you?’ so I said ‘Okay, show me your penis now I guess”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“God grant me the serenity to not fuck the things I cannot stand, courage to fuck the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“people who don’t know what to title their novels/movies can title them ‘where’s waldo’ and insert waldo (or not, depending on tone) in one scene”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“I may not be confident or ambitious but at least I’m not confident and ambitious”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“Good morning, this is Dan Rather, with the news. Today, [person] died in an insanely nonhumorous manner”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“A cool thing is that stuff can always get worse and it usually does”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“Mercury in retrograde? More like I’m permanently insane no matter what the fuck Mercury does”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“Self help book titled ‘How To Hate Other People More Than You Hate Yourself”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“Thousands of years from now they will use my fossil remains as an example of a mistake in the evolutionary process”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“Sorry, I’d love to hang out with you but this alcohol isn’t going to drink itself into incoherence and liver failure”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“having ‘weakly disturbing’ images of waffles with pasta on top”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“feels like i’m ‘seething’ with the inability to sleep…”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“thousand island dressing’ seems troubling”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“just became so overwhelmed with potential food options that i actually cried”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“periods are the only thing i can think of where its a problem if you don’t bleed”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“It’s pancake o’clock, bitches”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“Craving burrito so much that I can’t move or breathe”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets

“Feel certain that I will die of sudden and incurable obesity within the next week”
― Tao Lin, Selected Tweets