Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys Quotes

“A lot of misbehaviour is accompanied by noise: crying, whingeing, insulting, rude words, sometimes even swearing. Most of this noise is just the child’s way of letting us know he doesn’t want to do what you want him to do. You undermine your authority when you show that you are desperate to get the noise to stop. Keep your focus on stopping the misbehaviour. Don’t even think of all that noise as misbehaviour that you need to stop. If you remember to Descriptively Praise when your son pauses, soon the crying and whingeing and insulting will happen less and less.”
― Noel Janis-Norton, Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys: The revolutionary programme that transforms family life

“Sitting apart. Sitting apart is a very effective consequence for impulsive misbehaviour that still remains even after you have been doing lots of Descriptive Praise, think-throughs, rewards for being sensible and action replays. Sitting apart is similar in some ways to a time-out, but instead of banishing your son to another room, which children often find very upsetting, it takes place in the room where you are. Your son needs to sit exactly where and how you tell him to, with no misbehaving and no crying or even talking, for the number of minutes of his age. If he gets up, put him back and step away so that he sees that it is his job to stay in the sitting apart place, not your job to hold him there. Then start the timer from zero again. A sitting apart is a learning experience because you are on hand to Descriptively Praise and Reflectively Listen. Other than that, don’t talk to him. His natural desire to interact with you will help him to control himself to get to the end of the sitting apart.”
― Noel Janis-Norton, Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys: The revolutionary programme that transforms family life

“If your son does not start to stop within five or ten seconds of your giving a direct instruction, then you need to take immediate action. Of course we feel completely comfortable about taking immediate action when a child’s safety is in danger or when it looks as if property is about to be damaged. Following through immediately with action is just as important when the issue is not safety, but cooperation. The action that you will take will usually be either removing an object from the child or removing the child from the situation. As soon as you make a move to follow through with immediate action, your son will probably see that you mean what you say so he will start to stop. Reinforce his cooperation by following through with Descriptive Praise. If you are feeling annoyed that the initial misbehaviour made you late, it may not be easy to sound pleased. Remember that your son has not yet developed good habits, and it is our job as parents to teach and train the habits we want to see. It won’t happen overnight.”
― Noel Janis-Norton, Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys: The revolutionary programme that transforms family life

“Reducing whingeing, complaining, pestering and arguing First, let’s remember that it rarely helps to reason with an immature child. Often he does not quite understand our adult reasons, or possibly he does understand but does not really care. So don’t bother trying to reason with your son when he is being unreasonable. A much more useful strategy is to look at him as he is whingeing or arguing, but bite your tongue and say nothing. This takes self-control! Wait a few seconds for a pause in the whingeing or arguing. Then you can say, ‘You’re not whingeing now,’ or ‘You stopped saying you want another ice cream.’ He might start whingeing or complaining or pestering again straightaway because he knows that usually gets a rise out of you, and he’s thinking there’s a chance you might give in. These annoying habits have been his way of getting your attention and, up until now, it has been pretty foolproof. So it is understandable that he may test you for a while before he realises that the old way of getting your attention is no longer working. If you have accepted my challenge and are making a point of Descriptively Praising your son ten or more times a day, he will soon see, probably within the first week, that now he is getting attention for the sensible behaviour. Here are some examples of Descriptive Praises for little bits of self-control:   You were so brave at the doctor’s. You didn’t make a fuss. You just sat there quietly while she gave you the injection.   I can see you’re upset, but you’re remembering not to shout.   You’re waiting patiently. (Say this after one or two minutes of waiting patiently. If you delay this praise, he will probably reach the end of his tether and start misbehaving; then you won’t be able to praise him for being patient.)   The Descriptive Praises will sink in and start to change how your son views himself. So whenever your son is doing something annoying, think ‘I’ll wait for a pause and then Descriptively Praise the absence of the negative.’ Parents report that at first they focused their Descriptive Praises on their son’s three or four most annoying habits. Within a few weeks or months, those habits had improved so much that they hardly happened any more.”
― Noel Janis-Norton, Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys: The revolutionary programme that transforms family life

“Reducing physical aggression One of your son’s really annoying habits might be a tendency to hit or kick or push or grab when he is frustrated or angry. This is quite typical behaviour for an impulsive, very physical boy. He can get overwhelmed by his upset feelings. He may aim his blows for maximum impact, or he may be lashing out indiscriminately, not really knowing what he is doing. Either way, for his own sake and for the sake of everyone around him, you want to help him develop better impulse-control. The more you talk about his hitting, the more your son will think of himself as someone who hits and someone who gets told off for it. Instead, I want you to Descriptively Praise him when he is not hitting, kicking, biting, pushing, etc. You might be thinking, ‘But when he’s not hitting it’s because he’s not even angry. He’s not even thinking of hitting, so why take a chance and remind him that he could be hitting right now?’ You might prefer to say nothing at all about his misbehaviour. I’m asking you to notice and mention the absence of the negative, which I know seems very counter-intuitive. And if the annoying behaviour is a recurring problem, you will need to notice and mention when he is not doing it wrong many times a day. At odd times throughout the day, even when he is not upset and therefore not even tempted to be aggressive, you could simply say:   You’re not hitting.   You’re keeping your arms and legs to yourself.   When the baby knocked down your tower, you screamed, but you didn’t hit or kick. That showed self-control.   When he is angry but not reacting physically, you could add, ‘You’re controlling yourself,’ or ‘You’re not hurting anyone,’ (and remember to keep your distance if you can see, or even just sense, that he is in a volatile mood and might become aggressive).”
― Noel Janis-Norton, Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys: The revolutionary programme that transforms family life

“We want to influence our sons to be more mature and more sensible, but unfortunately the ways we usually try to influence do not usually work. Becoming annoyed or angry, repeating, reminding, lecturing, telling off, shouting – none of these reactions help boys to develop more mature habits. The more we get annoyed with our boys, the more resentful they will feel and the less they will want to even try to be more mature and more responsible. The boy may feel belittled, not respected. That is likely to bring out the worst in him, leading to more irresponsibility and even, on occasion, to revenge.”
― Noel Janis-Norton, Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys: The revolutionary programme that transforms family life