Dirt Nap Rhapsody Quotes

“I think we could be friends on the outside. He really appreciated the makeshift vision test I gave him, and I appreciated the pointers he gave me on how to fool a Breathalyzer. It turns out he never knew he needed glasses and I never knew how much I could do with a penny. Well come to think of it, he did say he was in on a D.U.I., so maybe his method isn't quite as reliable as he thinks it is.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“I suspect that many of the horror stories about jail are greatly exaggerated, but still, I wouldn't want to pass out in one.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“It's like my therapist says: 'Even hypochondriacs get sick for real sometimes.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“My mom always used to say, 'A watch pot never boils,' and I never knew if that really was something people used to say or if she just made it up, but I understood it either way.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“I know what I'm doing. I'm panicking. The first thing I should do is stop panicking. But that's not a thing to do, that's a thing to stop doing. Hey, maybe that's why I'm getting all worked up. I've been putting way too much emphasis on what I should be doing when often the real question has been what should I stop doing. So the first thing I should stop doing is asking the wrong questions. The second thing I should stop doing is panicking.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“If you've only seen a dead body in a casket at a funeral, then you've never seen a real dead body. Believe me, I know, because recently I saw my first real dead body.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“Honey, what's the Detective doing here?”

“Tag, you never told me Wayne was so funny!”

“Wayne?”

“That's me. Most detectives also have first names.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“To give away flowers you have to literally cut off their life supply: 'Here you go, it's pretty now but it's rapidly dying and will decompose before your eyes.' It's like giving someone a pet fish without the bowl.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“Did somebody die?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Who?” he asked, starting to freak out. I pulled out my notepad and asked him if he knew a Marcie Tucker.

“Marcie? Hm, Marcie, it doesn't ring a bell but… Oh yeah, the temp who's filling in while my regular assistant is out, I think her name is Marcie. In fact, she was supposed to be here today. I was actually starting to worry that… Wait. Is she…”

“Unfortunately yes,” I said, “Marcie was found in her apartment late last night uh… no longer alive.” My bedside manner has never been my strong suit.

Dr. Taggart looked distressed and began to ramble incoherently for a minute. I let him work through it though, I figured it was his way of grieving. I wouldn't have even paid attention to it except for the fact that it was kind of goofily, ineptly… well, poignant:

"Oh, uh, Oh my God. That's terrible. I uh… I hope she didn't have any family. I mean, I don't hope she didn't have any family, what I mean is, if she uh… if she didn't have any family then there would be nobody to get all bummed out about this and uh… you know, when something like this happens, you always think about the poor, heartbroken family, so uh… if she doesn't have any family then uh… the bright side would be that nobody would, you know, have to be all bummed out."

Hm. I guess I never thought of it that way. Awkward wording aside, he's kind of got a point there.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“When a cherished guest stops in for a visit with a very expensive Chablis and you can't open it? Well, that sounds like a special kind of hell to me.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“It's agonizing for him, but he ultimately realizes he's got a new mama now and this one gives blowjobs, so in the end it's no contest. Only the old mama won't give her golden boy up without a fight, so something's gotta give, and what gives ends up being old mama's heart. Anyway I hope that's not what happened.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“I hope you don't mind,” she interrupted after taking another giant gulp straight from the bottle, “I've always found glasses so formal. Care for a taste?”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“I looked over at Tag — he definitely wasn't having a nightmare. He was sleeping like he was dead. I checked just to make sure.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“When he finally looked up, he glared at me as if I'd just told him I'd killed his puppy. With a hammer. On purpose.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“I remember one time a guy planned out his entire crime and made a checklist to keep himself on schedule. I have to give him credit too, the list was very thorough. It stopped just short of saying, “Kill my girlfriend on this date at this time.” He even drew a helpful little diagram of her apartment. I appreciated the gesture.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“Come on, Tag, focus! Wait, you are focusing, you're just focusing on the wrong thing. Come on, Tag, stop focusing!”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“Don't push my buttons,” she always says.

“I'm trying!” I reply, “But you have a lot of buttons.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody

“I never thought a death sentence could be romantic, but I guess there's a first time for everything.”
― Jules Cassard, Dirt Nap Rhapsody