The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Quotes

In order to be effective, a soft start-up doesn’t have to be very diplomatic. But it must be devoid of criticism or contempt.

The best soft start-up has four parts: (1) “I share some responsibility for this …” (2) Here’s how I feel … (3) about a specific situation and … (4) here’s what I need … (positive need, not what you don’t need).

If you aren’t comfortable claiming some specific share of the responsibility, then try a simple statement like “I know this isn’t all your fault. I know I play a role in this issue as well.

A seven-year study of repair conducted by my former students Jani Driver and Amber Tabares found that taking some responsibility for the problem is a very important part of softened start-up.

But 65 percent of the men did not take either of these approaches. Instead, their response escalated their wives’ negativity. They did this in a very specific way: by trotting out one of the four horsemen. If the wife of one of these men said, “You’re not listening to me!” the husband would either ignore her (stonewall), become defensive (“Yes, I am!”), criticize (“I don’t listen because what you say never makes any sense”), or express contempt (“Why waste my time?”).

So before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s harsh words. Then, focus on the bid, not the delivery.

The strength of a couple’s friendship not only stokes the fire but also foretells the relationship’s future because it is the fundamental ingredient of positive sentiment override.

most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict—and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will they be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into their marriage.

Bolstering your friendship is so critical in large part because it fuels the romance, passion, and great sex that we all hope marriage will provide. In fact, when a couple come to me complaining that sex has become routine, infrequent, or virtually nonexistent, I don’t start by handing them a sex manual. Instead, I guide them through the first three principles so that they can reinforce and rediscover the camaraderie that brought them together in the first place. The strength of a couple’s friendship not only stokes the fire but also foretells the relationship’s future because it is the fundamental ingredient of positive sentiment override. As we’ve seen, PSO is like an insurance policy—it dramatically increases the odds that repair attempts will regularly work and defuse tension. So whatever the current state of your marriage, it will benefit enormously if you support, reinvigorate, or, if necessary, resuscitate your friendship. The first step in this process is to take a look at how much you really (still) know about each other, the topic

Of course, a severe mental illness is another matter. You’re not a bad person if you end a relationship with a partner who is grappling with severe psychopathology and is unable to think and function independently. What’s tricky for many couples, however, is navigating the middle ground: What do you do about mental health issues that are extremely challenging but that some relationships could possibly accommodate? This category includes addiction, clinical depression, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder, and severe personality or mood disorders. If any of this sounds familiar, don’t rely on this book alone to make decisions about your future. Seek the additional advice and support of a knowledgeable and experienced mental health professional.

The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.

Un niño que está en contacto con sus emociones, y sabe comprender a los demás y relacionarse con ellos, tiene un futuro prometedor sea cual sea su coeficiente intelectual académico. Lo mismo rige para los matrimonios. Una pareja emocionalmente inteligente (es decir, que sabe comprender y respetar al compañero y la relación), tiene más probabilidades de ser feliz en su unión.

What happened to Maggie happens to many new parents—the experience of having a child is so profound that your whole notion of who you are and what you value gets reshuffled.

It’s a biological fact: men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives.