Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2! Quotes

“Hmm, let me think carefully about that question. Q: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!" Too many E-numbers. "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise." There are not too many of them about. "Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company." The first rule of projects is: You don't talk about projects. "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." Learning a language. "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business." Congratulations! "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."  No really, how is your memory? "Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math." I think bricks would work better personally, but hey go for it. "Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law. To be fair the job on offer was to play Snow White in a Christmas production. "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!" . Very I would say. "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume." Delete. "I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt." Then why attach it? "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date." Lone wolf. "It's best for employers that I not work with people.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“groomed, and fed the family dog for years." A very common occurrence. "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job." Not a great experience then? "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco." And a poodle when it comes to modesty. "I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."  Yeah and I am the Queen of England. "I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation." Travelling hobo. "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle." Perhaps you need a mop for the floor? "I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food." Sshhh, people maybe listening. .."Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately." It just has. "My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend." Don't we all. "I love dancing and throwing parties." Wow, that quick. "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Do you drink when you're on duty?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“can't comment on this as I would like to keep the book suitable for children!”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“If at first you don't succeed. Q: "How many times have you committed suicide?" A: "Four times.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“can't comment on this as I would like to keep the book suitable for children! Q: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?" A: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital." Q: "It was covered?" A: "Yes, bandaged." Q: "Then, later on...what did you see?" A: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Dog eared. Q: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?" A: "No." Q: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?" Q: "Picking them up in the air." A: "Where was the dog at this time?" Q: "Attached to the ears.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Getting their priorities right. "The telephone company is urging people to please not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins concert tickets to caller #95." -- A Los Angeles radio DJ, shortly after the February 1990 earthquake.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“To someone of your intelligence, $50. "How much is that $10 watch?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“19:00 hours. "What time does the 7 o'clock ferry leave?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Going to be tough. Q: “You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“That's why I have had so many speeding tickets. Q: "And you check your radar unit frequently?" A: "Yes, I do." Q: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?" A: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“No key. "Do not open this door when locked." -- A sign on a gym door.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Walking licence. "Please! No walking allowed without membership card." -- A sign in a mall.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“You've still got to pay. "Free Parking ($1.50 per day)" -- A sign at a parking lot in Ocean City, Maryland.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Headless. "The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the infield. This is a terrible day for the Padres!" -- A San Diego Padres announcer.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“And next week – indoor fishing. "March 18: Outdoor Adventure Series: Indoor Rock Climbing" -- In a school's newsletter.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“The secret is out.. "The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." -- From a Sydney, Australia, paper.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Confused server. Once when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“No Ice! Me: "Do you have hot tea?" Her: "Well, it is not very warm...but...." Me: "No I mean do you have hot water and a tea bag?" Her: "Yes." Me: "So you can make me hot tea." Her: "Well I can put a cup of iced tea in the microwave for you." Me: "No, just give me a cup of hot water and a tea bag, and I will make my own." Her: "Do you want ice in the cup?”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Think I will take the first option. "Ham and Cheese - $2.50. Cheese and Ham - $2.90." -- On a menu.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in California.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza take-out menu.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Ask an obvious question and guess what you get. Q: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?” A : “No. He was wearing a mask.” Q: “What was he wearing under the mask?” A: “Er...his face.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“What was he doing with the dog's ears?" Q: "Picking them up in the air." A: "Where was the dog at this time?" Q: "Attached to the ears.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!

“Q: "Did he kill you?" A: "No.”
― David Loman, Ridiculous Customer Complaints (And Other Statements) Volume 2!