#TripleX Quotes

“Anyone who says forty is the new twenty can suck it—if they can bend over enough to reach it. It’s more like the new ninety, because you’re now seriously pondering when Death will ring your doorbell in the form of those everyday pains and aches that now torture your once hot, tight body.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“I want someone to look at me the same way I look at cupcakes,”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“The only dancing I did now was the bee-bop dance step I do when I’m trying to get my pants down fast enough, so I don’t pee before I sit down.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“Twitter: McDonald’s apple pie and a bedazzled vagina: always a good way to start any adventure. #TripleX”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“I believe I moan out some sort of unintelligible sound, but I’m not sure. Who can be sure? The dull bulb overhead flickers and makes a sizzling sound. Damn, I’m in a place where even the bugs are killing themselves.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“Don’t go chasing love and attention and respect. If he isn’t going to give it willingly to you, it’s really not worth having then.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“Lucifer-licking Lindsey tsked and spread on some more hot wax. There was no time to brace myself, no way of escaping the small wax chamber of doom”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“Uh huh,” I said, cringing and sipping at the wine. Okay, I gulped. Sue me, I was about to get my hoo-ha ripped to shreds; I was a wee bit nervous.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“Yeah, I figure if the writing gig doesn’t work, I can always set one of these up in an assisted living home for the elderly and hold Bingo/Pole shows. I’m hoping for a huge senior following—seniors with cataracts and glaucoma.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“were still screaming, “Cougar! Cougar! Cougar!” “Well look at you!” I marveled. “Aren’t you quite the Sig-My-Muff fraternity groupie?” “Get me to the bathroom. I peed my fricken pants. Ever since I had kids, I piss myself left and right,” she whispered frantically.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“Then, I leapt onto the bike like I was a flying trapeze artist and held on for dear life. The bike accelerated in speed and bounced and bumped over the dirt and stones, and then launched onto the Michigan Lake Front Bike Path. “Tatum is like a freakin’ jack hammer, isn’t he?” My voice vibrated. “Don’t…” Angelisa squealed from ahead of me. “Don’t make me laugh, or we’re going to crash. Oh my God!”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“I. Will. Kill. You. For. This,” Angelisa grunted out next to me. She was dry heaving along side of me. We were now inside the Twinkie fart. This was what Hell on Earth was. I was sure of”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“I desperately needed to find a hotel. The Jag’s seat started to sodomize me in the most peculiar ways while the country music was making the grey matter of my brain leak right out of my ears into a pool of whiskey and wine. Oh Jesus, even my brain can’t stop the cheesy country metaphors.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“Oh my God, maybe we will need the Jaws of Life! It had to be my pocket or something that kept me sandwiched between the two iron rods of Hell. The turnstile had to be stuck on my pocket. Who the frig puts turnstiles in All-You-Can-Eat buffets, anyway?”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“There is no better cure for a midlife crisis than a road trip with your best friend and the laughter she brings you. And I’m not talking about just giggling with your friend. I’m talking about the convulsive hysterical laughter that makes you spill your drink all over the table, soda-burst from your nose and can’t catch your breath kind of laughter.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“Whoops. Sorry.” “S’ Okay,” I lied through gritted teeth. Red lights and stop signs, just suggestions. Yield signs, forget about them.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“I looked closer into the mirror, leaning over the dresser, and spotted a bunch of nasty crow’s feet that weren’t attached to any birds. No, they were attached to my once bright green eyes that now held more bags under them than the bottom of a cargo plane.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“Ummm, she’s not violent. We swear. She’s just… just… dumb.” I explain, nudging her. “Seriously though, how does he know I’m not packing an oozie in my girly stuff?”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“When you spend enough time being there for everyone else and away from yourself, you just lose yourself. Just like if you spend time away from each other as a married couple, you stop being a married couple. I think I ate, correction: overate, because I wanted to take up space, to be something more. Bigger. Visible. I wanted to matter. I had things I wanted to do and say and be and feel. Typically, I’d push them all aside to make everyone else happy.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX

“I walked into his office, unannounced, without knocking to find him balls deep in some unwrinkled, non-cellulite collecting, undernourished side-piece.”
― Christine Zolendz, #TripleX