Daddy, Stop Talking! And Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting Quotes

“It’s the constant chase that makes the one-percenter the one-percenter. The key to financial and career success is to never be satisfied. But that’s not necessarily the key to life success. No”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“I see parents now at every one of my kids' events holding iPhones and iPads in front of their faces. It might be fun to look at those videos years down the road....But it;s definitely bad for the parents. Just be there in the moment, instead of missing it by trying to capture it. That's what your kid really wants They want you to be paying attention.”
― Adam Carolla , Daddy, Stop Talking! And Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“People always said to me, “You must have been dyslexic.” I wasn’t. Why is it that when a white kid can’t read people say he’s dyslexic but when a black kid can’t read people say he “fell through the cracks.” This is a racist thought. I was as white as they come, and I fell through the cracks known as my parents and the Los Angeles school system. That said, Dyslexia would make a great black name. Sounds like a good wide out for the Steelers.”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“To all of you reading this who are on the fence about therapy because of the cost: It’s smart money, spend it. That one hundred bucks an hour pays off down the road when you learn through therapy how to get out of your own way, stop self-sabotaging and thus make good decisions about relationships and career. Think of it as an investment in yourself. Simply going to therapy helps. Just carving out an hour for yourself, and deciding that you and your life are worth spending some time and money on makes a difference. That simple act alone boosts your self-esteem. Don’t think of going to therapy as “I’m a broken pile of crap and need someone to fix me,” think of it as “I’m going to change myself for the better instead of crying, masturbating and blaming my parents for the rest of my life.”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“Unfinished Beer Guy: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a party on a Saturday night, and then walk around for an hour on Sunday morning, tearfully emptying 2,600 unfinished beers. I feel like the guys who removed the bodies from a Civil War battlefield.”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“When you have kids, your castle becomes their bouncy castle. In my case, this is literally true. Jimmy Kimmel bought Sonny and Natalia this inflatable castle in 2012. It’s the real deal. At first, I thought he had rented it. No, he bought it.”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“Nowadays, telling your wife “I have to work” gets you a disappointed sigh. This is the worst period in history to be a dad. It used to be that if you worked and provided that was enough.”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“you want to know why America is fat and our economy is in the shitter, it’s because the only factories still in operation have the words Cheesecake and Old Spaghetti in front of them.)”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“It’s like the guy who announces his wife is his best friend. He doesn’t mean it; he just does it to make the rest of us look like assholes.”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“By the way, in that same session an ad popped up that said, “Tired of masturbating?” I thought, “Nope. Try me again in about one-hundred-fifty years.”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“Lamb-skin condoms must send a mixed message to guys who like to fuck sheep. And I wonder what the answer would be if you were to talk to a sheep about whether they would rather become a car-seat cover or a condom? If the sheep answers “condom,” I think we can assume that sheep is gay. Sure you’re sliding into a lady part, but you’re going to have some guy coming inside you.”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“Three-year-olds have no control over their lives. If you don’t want your kids competing in pageants, you hold the power, not them. I sincerely doubt a six-year-old would hitchhike to the banquet room at the Sheraton and compete in the Little Miss Shaker Heights pageant herself if her emotionally damaged Mommy wasn’t pushing her.”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting

“I’m also not going to tell you how I learn from my kids. Fuck that. I’m the grown-up. They and, subsequently, you as you read this, are learning from me. I’ve got no beef with her as an actress, but when Amy Adams won her Golden Globe she did one of those actressy things that drive me insane. She thanked everybody: costars, agents, managers, and so on. Then at the end she thanked her obnoxiously named child, Aviana, a name that I’m pretty sure she took from the sparkling water she was drinking on set. This kid, by her own admission, was not old enough to understand what Mommy was saying. So why did she thank her? Because the little tyke had taught her how to “accept joy and let go of fear.” Her daughter was three. She probably only taught Amy how to have a Guatemalan chick take care of her while Mama was on set all day. My twins have taught me basically nothing except that kids are expensive and have no gratitude. I hate the parent-shaming crap that is so pervasive today. It’s like the guy who announces his wife is his best friend. He doesn’t mean it; he just does it to make the rest of us look like assholes. As I write this book, there is an Apple commercial showing how I can be closer with my kids through apps. It shows happy dads connecting with their progeny by using apps to map the stars, garden and take pictures of tidal pools. You know, shit that I never do with my kids because I’m too busy earning the money to buy them the iPhones they use to ignore me. Ads like this are just not realistic. The only thing I do with my phone is watch a little porn, then call my agent and yell at him to find me work so that my kids can enjoy all those app-tivities with the nanny. If this ad were at all realistic, if it looked in any way like my life, it would show the dad screaming at the mother to get the glass replaced on her broken iPhone and then he and the kids staring at their phones while ignoring each other.”
― Adam Carolla, Daddy, Stop Talking!: & Other Things My Kids Want But Won't Be Getting