The Substitute Quotes

“There are lots of girls out there, Joshy. You’ll probably date a bunch of them. Or maybe you’ll only date a few. But one day, you’ll find the one.” He’d given Josh an all-knowing smile and wiped his hands on a napkin. “It will probably knock you over when you least expect it. At least that’s what happened with me. Your mother walked into my Biology 101 lab in college and there was something about her that made me take notice. We were lab partners and I could hardly focus on what we needed to do. I asked her out before we left the room. We were engaged a year later, but I knew right away I’d marry her someday. And every day I spent with her only made me more certain. She’d look at me in this special way…and my heart would melt. I wanted to make all her dreams come true and you know what? I’ve spent my life trying. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love your mother and I never will.” And with that, his father had picked up another slice of pizza. “Someday you’ll find the one. And I can’t wait to meet her once you do.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Are you mentally ill? A gigolo? A terrorist?” “Blair, stop.” Megan put her hand on her friend’s arm. “And I already accused him of being a terrorist.” “And you believed him when he said no?” “Actually,” she mused, casting an ornery grin at him. “I don’t think he answered me.” “Tricky bastard, aren’t you?”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“He glanced at Megan’s mother, his gaze allowing for no argument. “This woman by my side is the woman I want to marry, exactly as she is right now. I don’t want her transformed into some cookie-cutter Barbie doll, so don’t you dare try to do it.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Megan’s grandmother was stark naked next to the bed, with her hands and feet on the floor and her saggy butt up in the air, giving him a view he would—unfortunately—never forget. Josh’s brain told him “Retreat! Retreat!” but his feet refused to move. “Josh!” Gram’s face appeared between her ankles. “Good morning!” “Sorry!” he sputtered out. “I was looking for a bathroom.” “This isn’t it, but come do yoga with me.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Uh… I’m not really a yoga fan.” He started to back up and ran into the doorjamb. “That’s probably because you haven’t tried it au naturel.” He cringed. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not it.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Afraid of flying?” the man next to her asked, sounding displeased by the prospect. “No, just crashing and burning.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“He splashed his face over and over in a desperate attempt to wash away the sight of Megan’s grandmother’s full womanhood staring him in the face. He groaned and washed faster. “Josh?” Megan asked, standing in the doorway, her voice husky with sleep. He continued to douse his face. “I just saw the most horrifying thing I can even imagine.” She stiffened. “What?” “Your grandmother. In a downward dog yoga position. In the nude.” Megan chuckled. “Oh, dear. Mom had mentioned that Gram was going through a nudist phase, but I didn’t know she’d combined it with yoga.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Let me guess, you don’t function until after a cup of coffee?” “Actually it’s two cups. And yes. Coffee is the elixir of the gods.” Her brown eyes danced in amusement. “Are you calling yourself a god now?” “You were a participant in last night’s activities, so you tell me.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Then why go through this farce?” “Just like hell has multiple levels, so does disgrace.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Who are you to judge me? You’ve been conscious and coherent all day, yet you were just sitting in a strange woman’s kitchen pretending to be her fiancé!” “Now, Megan. I wouldn’t call you strange. A little eccentric maybe.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“No! It’s a giant misunderstanding.” “Misunderstanding? A misunderstanding is when you order French fries and get onion rings. The fact that my parents think a stranger is my fiancé is not a misunderstanding. It’s a disaster.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“I’m going to guess that you hate coconut, so I should probably answer that I make killer margaritas.” She laughed again. “I knew you were smart.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Wedding”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Well, Josh McMillan, you've messed with the wrong person. I'm a divorce attorney, and I specialize in digging up shit on people. By tomorrow night I'll know everything there is to know about you, including what blood type you are and whether you've been circumcised." Blair turned to Megan and pointed her finger. "And you better not find out the answer to that question first.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Sorry I accused you of trying to kill my sister." He stared into Josh's face, his eyes filled with a challenge. "I'm sure an uptight prick like you would be much tidier with how you carried it out.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Are you a terrorist?” she asked before she could stop herself. “What?” he asked, his eyes wide as he turned to her in horror. She shook her head, the movement making her dizzy. “Sorry. You just had a crazed look . . .” She”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Do you smoke the weed?” Megan couldn’t stop her chuckle. “No Gram, I don’t smoke the weed.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“Actually it’s two cups. And yes. Coffee is the elixir of the gods.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“It was only ten-thirty and it was already a craptastic day.”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute

“THE”
― Denise Grover Swank, The Substitute