Hilarity Ensues Quotes

“I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They’re not. I’m going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn't come to rescue cunty lunatics.”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don’t suffer fools well.”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“The rules your parents teach you to live by are very different than the rules the world actually runs by. Most of the conventional wisdom is not only wrong, it's a lie told to us by people who want to control us. It doesn't help us, it helps them. Pretty much everything we're told as children (and adults, really) by the established power structures in our lives are made up fairytales us to reinforce that control: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, fat-free frozen dinners, religion, and metering lights on the highway--the list goes on”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“See, what you're talking about is why hanging out with ME would be fun for YOU. It doesn't explain anything about why it'd be fun for ME. You don't bring banter. You aren't witty. You aren't funny. There is nothing to pick from your brain. You're looking for me to entertain you. A relationship is an exchange, not a one-way street. Look beyond your own personal desires for a second and understand what you bring to the exchange- nothing.”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“Mexico is a lawless place. I don’t care what the UN says, or what the State Department travel advisories tell you. The fact is that Mexico, as a whole, is a narco-state run by powerful regional cartels, with a hollow and largely irrelevant central government that is nothing more than window-dressing to appease the international community. Freedom is for those who can afford it, law is for sale, and what is fair is determined by who is most powerful. That’s the reality of Mexico. Cancun, Playa, Cabo, Puerto Vallarta- they are all much better than the interior of Mexico, but that is only because their survival depends on a steady flow of tourists with money to burn. To protect that, the government does a good job maintaining the appearance of western-style law and order through the direct threat of massive military intervention. Underneath it all, those places are not much different from the rest of Mexico.”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“Of course, I'm not a doctor; I just watch a lot of ER and House.”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“it's like a mini Bourbon Street with less culture and more disgusting hookers.”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

“Tucker “But what’s the deal with the smaller cot or whatever?”
Hate “Oh, that’s just the icing on this cake of bullshit.”
Credit “OK, when we got to our place for the first time, since it was so shitty, I let Hate pick the cot he wanted, and I took the other one. Well, after a few days, Hate started to suspect that my cot was larger than his cot.”
Tucker “We’re talking about cots? Like, these are just two pieces of fabric tied between sticks?”
Credit “Oh yeah. No doubt. It was impossible for these to be more shitty. So anyway, Hate starts obsessing over the cots, every day he’s talking about the cots, and how maybe I got the larger cot, and on and on. So one day we bought a tape measure and measured them—”
Credit is laughing too hard to even continue, and Hate can’t contain himself.
Hate “HIS COT WAS TWO INCHES WIDER THAN MINE!!”
Credit “Hate, I let you pick the cot you wanted!”
Hate “It doesn’t matter—YOU GOT THE LARGER COT!! EVEN AFTER YOU FUCKED EVERYTHING UP!!”
― Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues