Damned Lies Strike Back! Quotes

“I tried lifting my cane and swinging it in a threatening way, but the movement was faint and wouldn't hurt anyone besides small children with bone defects who stood very, very still for me.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“Above me I saw what I first thought was a spinning piece of debris. As it fell straight for me, I realized it wasn't debris. It was Irony. Somehow the Platonic Form of Irony had manifested in our world and was falling towards me.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“Ideas?" I said. "Don't die," Bruce said. "Not unless you're completely out of other options." "Ideas other than that?" I said. "Make him die instead," he said. "You're a big fucking help.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“I was drinking. I feel like if you're the guy who has inadvertently damned the whole world to a terrible doom, you get to have whiskey before noon and nobody gets to complain about it.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“One entire wall was taken up by Hello Kitty merchandising. HK was interspersed throughout the whole room, but one entire wall had only Hello Kitty-branded objects. Backpacks, dresses, hats, ears, lunchboxes, decorative flowers, dog leashes, cat leashes, surface-to-air missiles, elder signs, sex toys, poker visors, hash pipes, soccer balls, blue balls, chainsaws, black books of diabolical import – you name it, it was branded with Hello Kitty or one of the associated characters. I saw what must have been a homemade green sculpture of Cthulhu that someone had replaced the Old One’s ugly mug with the mouthless cuteness of Hello Kitty. He and I stared at each other for one long and foreboding moment. The stars were indeed right.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“Death is like that jackass friend who just shows up without ever calling ahead.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“I looked down both ends of the alley. To my left, two men had entered the alley. Their tense body language made me think they meant malice. Plus, what the hell were they doing walking like badasses down an alley when it was pouring rain?”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“I'm too old for amusingly neurotic misunderstandings.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“It was built way back in the Sixties, and with that long lifespan, that capacity year-in year-out, and the inevitable deaths[6], you would think the dorm was haunted. However, from my own experience, it was only ever haunted by the Ghost of the Half Eaten Pizza From a Week Ago or the Spirit of the Guys Two Doors Down Who Think Towels Under the Door Prevents Everybody From Knowing They’re Smoking Pot. Real ghosts would have made the place more interesting.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“Punching solves everything," said Becky. "I'm always trying to tell you guys that.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“He said a ritual, right?" asked Becky. "Maybe he's part of one of those doomsday cults where you have to cut off your wang and wear a track suit. They always think the world is going to end for no good reason.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“I was eating a massive omelette that had about six eggs, half a garden's worth of vegetables, and somehow both bacon and ham.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“Ghosts are just one of the possible causes of these phenomena. Other such causes include, but are not limited to, the following: poltergeists, psychic children, magic, aliens, hallucinatory drugs, an alternate dimension analog of my apartment, a Hollywood special effects team, intergalactic space wizards, LASERS, ninjas, demons, vengeful deities, mischievous deities, uncaring impersonal but very clumsy and unapologetic deities, Silent Hill, that little kid from the Twilight Zone, Old Scratch himself, a curse, trapped spirits and/or demons, a building with hemophilia that cuts itself, one really really pissed ex girlfriend, a dimensional portal to Hell, an erection lasting more than four hours, a manifestation of a horror movie into the real world caused by a djinn or other bad wishing, fever dreams, a sentient building, Bizarro Elvis, the Antichrist, the Best Little Demonic Whorehouse in Texas, mental illness, brain damage, living downstairs from a cut-rate blood bank, a vision from God, or even a cursed sword.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back

“When I entered the kitchen, the lid of the cookie jar flew off and a cookie flung itself at me. Luckily I caught the cookie in my hand and seconds later discovered that ghost-propelled chocolate chip cookies were still delicious. I wondered if we could find a way to implement and market ghost-propelled cookie jars. The convenience factor was off the charts. Want a cookie? "Ghost, cookie me!" A cookie would fly towards you, dripping with malice, and you could pluck it from the air to feed your face.”
― Dennis Liggio, Damned Lies Strike Back