Confessions of a Domestic Failure Quotes

“Moms can't win with any of you. If we work, we 're neglecting our children. If we stay home, we're wasting our lives. If we don't breastfeed, we're failures. If we do, we need to do it in the dark, under the blanket, on a different planet so we don't offend your fragile, weak sensitivities. Give a mother a freaking break!”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“Gloria lowered the book. “Are you allergic to gluten?” I shook my head. “Is this Emily person allergic to gluten?” I shook my head. “Then why the hell are you avoiding it? When I was a kid we were afraid of the hydrogen bomb. Your generation is afraid of gluten.” Gloria handed me the book. “Yes,”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“Dear Pinterest, When we first started dating, you lured me in with Skittles-flavored vodka and Oreo-filled chocolate chip cookies. You wooed me with cheesy casseroles adjacent to motivational fitness sayings. I loved your inventiveness: Who knew cookies needed a sugary butter dip? You did. You knew, Pinterest. You inspired me, not to make stuff, but to think about one day possibly making stuff if I have time. You took the cake batter, rainbow and bacon trends to levels nobody thought were possible. You made me hungry. The nights I spent pinning and eating nachos were some of the best nights of my life. Pinterest, we can’t see each other anymore. You see, it’s recently come to my attention that some people aren’t just pinning, they are making. This makes me want to make, too. Unfortunately, I’m not good at making, and deep down I like buying way more. Do you see where I’m going with this? I’m starting to feel bad, Pinterest. I don’t enjoy you the way I once did. We need to take a break. I’m going to miss your crazy ideas (rolls made with 7Up? Shut your mouth). This isn’t going to be easy. You’ve been responsible for nearly every 2 a.m. grilled cheese binge I’ve had for the past couple of years, and for that I’ll be eternally grateful. Stay cool, Pinterest. PS. You hurt me. PPS. I’m also poor now. Xo Me 10”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“You're just a mom, You feel useless and essential at the same time. You feel like everyone is doing a better job than you and that nobody understands what you're going through.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“Sometimes it feels like moms are supposed to be invisible in society. Seen but not heard. We're supposed to quietly and quickly go about our task of raising perfectly mannered, groomed Gap babies who speak four languages before they're six without distracting the rest of the world from their important work.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“But based on how a common head cold transformed my husband from a thirty-five-year-old man to a ninety-six-year-old granny with malaria, I wasn’t sure he’d make it through one day with child.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“think what makes being a mom so hard is that it never stops. It just keeps going in perpetual motion. It’s a cycle with no end. The days of the week don’t mean anything to me. I don’t punch out. I’m never “off.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“There's no way around it. Motherhood is hard. And you young moms put more pressure on yourselves than we ever did, with your crafts and your activities. Do you know what we called crafts when David was young? Chores. We didn't play with our kids, we sent them outside. All day. They'd only come back in when the streetlights came on. You moms have it different. You're expected to be on 24/7 and look good doing it. My advice is this. Stop being so hard on yourself. And drink more vodka.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“It killed me that one of the hardest parts of being a mom was sometimes dealing with other moms. The judgments, the looks, the advice that feels like a slow plunging of a knife into an already sore spot. They were supposed to understand better than anyone. They were supposed to be the only people I didn't have to pretend for. They should have been my safe space, but they weren't.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“Just as quickly as it came, the wave of excitement turned bittersweet. It was all happening so fast. My baby was growing up. First teeth, then braces, then I'll turn around and she'll be filling out college applications. I can almost see he driving away in a car packed to the brim with boxes, off to start her life...away from me. Only to come home on the odd weekend.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“This is exactly why I hate Facebook. I know it's just a website, but I truly believe it has created absolute monsters out of the lot of us. If we're not bragging and showing people (people we barely care about) our Pintrest projects, we're comparing our loves with everyone else's.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“David always says, “Just lie down, you’ll fall asleep eventually.” Yeah, after my mind picks apart every mistake I’ve ever made since I was three, every possible bad thing that could ever happen to Aubrey in her entire life and then tosses around the “What am I going to make for dinner tomorrow?” query. It’s so easy for men to fall asleep. Scientists should study whatever enzyme it is that they produce that helps them turn off their brains at night and drift into that deep, annoying I-can’t-hear-the-baby-crying slumber. They could turn it into a sleeping pill that women can take.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“When Aubrey was finally born, every ounce of throat-searing bile was (mostly) forgotten as I looked into her adorable little face covered in that weird, white marsh scum* infants are born with. I wish someone had warned me about the vernix situation. Maybe then I wouldn’t have screamed, “IS SHE A LEPER?” in front of two nurses, the doctor and a team of horrified interns. David teased me for weeks. Every time I’d hand her to him, he’d make a cross with his fingers and yell, “Unclean!”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“I tried to remember when my last good night’s sleep was. It had to be when I was six months pregnant. That’s when the heartburn kicked in. Did I say heartburn? I meant boiling hot lava. Flaming acid rain. Whatever it was, it meant I had to sleep sitting up in bed while Aubrey Riverdanced on my bladder.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“I think what makes being a mom so hard is that it never stops. It just keeps going in perpetual motion. It’s a cycle with no end. The days of the week don’t mean anything to me. I don’t punch out. I’m never “off.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“If there was any justice on Earth, women would take the first twenty-week shift of pregnancy and men would take over for the last four-and-a-half months. But based on how a common head cold transformed my husband from a thirty-five-year-old man to a ninety-six-year-old granny with malaria, I wasn’t sure he’d make it through one day with child.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“I took a greedy sip of my coffee. Sweet and delicious. What would I do without this comforting blend of caffeine and sugar? Motherhood would be absolutely impossible without it.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“I felt like a coked-out sloth. Can sloths do cocaine? It’s made from a jungle plant, right? What if sloths figured out the recipe and started making it? We’d have an epidemic of drug-addicted sloths. We’d have to change their name from sloths to fasts. We’d also have to invent sloth rehabilitation centers complete with beautiful waterfalls and sloth sharing circles of trust.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“Not that I’m calling motherhood a job. It’s a blessing. Really, it is. Such a blessing. I’m blessed. Truly. #soblessed”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“was on my fourth cup of coffee, so while my body felt dead, my mind was racing. I felt like a coked-out sloth. Can sloths do cocaine? It’s made from a jungle plant, right? What if sloths figured out the recipe and started making it? We’d have an epidemic of drug-addicted sloths. We’d have to change their name from sloths to fasts. We’d also have to invent sloth rehabilitation centers complete with beautiful waterfalls and sloth sharing circles of trust. I pulled out my phone.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“How can my life be exactly how I want it to be but feel like such a daily struggle?”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“I really did need friends, but when you're a mom, that's easier said than done.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“It seems like once you're an adult, if you don't already have your friends picked out, you're screwed. Nobody makes new friends after twenty-seven.”
― Bunmi Laditan, Confessions of a Domestic Failure