Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster) Quotes

“Remember that being offended is not the same thing as being right.”
― Dave Barry, Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster): Life Lessons and Other Ravings from Dave Barry

“They sport haircuts that were apparently administered by a blind heroin addict in the men’s room of a Bulgarian disco in 1978.”
― Dave Barry, Live Right and Find Happiness

“I live in Miami, which can be a dangerous place, with a segment of the population capable of horrific acts of violence. And those are the police. The criminals are even worse.”
― Dave Barry, Live Right and Find Happiness

“New houses, which are crap, because they don’t build them the way they used to anymore. Old houses, which used to be good, because they were built back when they built them the way they used to, but which today, as a result of being old, are crap. So whichever kind of house you own, it’s going to be some variety of crap, which means sooner or later everything in it will break. Dealing with broken things is the essence of home ownership, and it’s exhausting.”
― Dave Barry, Live Right and Find Happiness

“I was never good at sports. For a while I played Little League baseball, but I had very little interaction with the actual ball. I heard a lot of yelling about the ball, and I occasionally sensed that something--which I assumed was the ball--had just whizzed past me. But I almost never had any direct personal contact with the ball, which turns out to be crucial to succeeding in many athletic endeavors.”
― Dave Barry, Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster): Life Lessons and Other Ravings from Dave Barry

“33 percent agreeing with the statement that the world is controlled by a giant invisible telepathic clam named Ronaldo.”
― Dave Barry, Live Right and Find Happiness

“Q. How is the turn signal used in Florida? A. It is used to indicate to other motorists that you do not realize your turn signal is blinking.”
― Dave Barry, Live Right and Find Happiness

“You can put suspenders on a salamander, but it still won’t make waffles. See what I mean? That sentence makes absolutely no sense, but I got paid to write it. It’s printed right here in a published book!”
― Dave Barry, Live Right and Find Happiness

“My wife reports these problems to me, because we are a modern enlightened couple who have divided up our household responsibilities equally along non-gender-stereotypical lines: My wife’s responsibilities: Cleanliness, food, décor, clothing, medical care, houseguests, parties, holidays, relatives and all other activities involving human interaction, such as talking. My responsibilities: Things that break, lizards.”
― Dave Barry, Live Right and Find Happiness

“game against Italy, Suárez could clearly be seen on video robbing”
― Dave Barry, Live Right and Find Happiness

“DMV OFFICER: OK, make a left turn here. TEST TAKER: Whoops. DMV OFFICER: (Writes something on clipboard.) TEST TAKER: Does that mean I fail the test? DMV OFFICER: Nah, she’s getting back up. You just clipped her.”
― Dave Barry, Live Right and Find Happiness