Laughs, Luck...and Lucy Quotes

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― Jess Oppenheimer, Laughs, Luck...and Lucy: How I Came to Create the Most Popular Sitcom of All Time

“Ask her to play a role—she was happy. Ask her to be Lucille Ball and she immediately became self-conscious and ill at ease.”
― Jess Oppenheimer, I Love Lucy: The Untold Story

“As Mr. Atterbury’s wife, Iris, I cast Bea Benaderet, the wonderful comedy actress who would later become the voice of Betty Rubble on The Flintstones and star in the television series Petticoat Junction.”
― Jess Oppenheimer, I Love Lucy: The Untold Story

“JUDGE.  And before we start I want you all to realize that there’s no problem too big to solve. Into every life a little rain must fall. Every cloud must have a silver lining, and it is always darkest before the dawn. LIZ.  Well, now that we’ve had the weather report, let’s get on with the case.”
― Jess Oppenheimer, I Love Lucy: The Untold Story

“December brought us good news. General Foods, makers of Jell-O, had signed on to sponsor the program starting in”
― Jess Oppenheimer, I Love Lucy: The Untold Story

“LIZ.  (Oversexy, almost Mae West.) Hullooo, boys.  Say—I’m certainly glad you came up to see me. GEORGE. What!? LIZ.  How about a drink, boys? GEORGE.  Now Liz, please! LIZ.  There’s a sofa over there, Mr. Jones.  Why don’t you get out of that hard chair and slip into something more comfortable? GEORGE.  Well, maybe Mr. Jones likes that chair, darling. LIZ.  (Suddenly switching into high hysterical drama.)  Darling?  Now you call me darling (Dramatic laugh.)  But what am I when we’re alone?  Your slave.  (Starts crying) You beat me with a cane and push my poor broken body down the stairs.  Oh, I don’t care for myself, but you pushed the children after me! GEORGE.  The children?  I did not. LIZ.  Then where are they?  (Breaking down.) Oh, I can’t stand it, putting on this sham in front of your friends (Fading)  I’m leaving, leaving this life of hypocrisy. (Hysterical.)  Leaving, do you hear? (Trails off in laughter and tears.) GEORGE.  (Pause.)  Well, Doctor, what do you think? SCHWEIN.  Don’t speak to me, you cad!”
― Jess Oppenheimer, I Love Lucy: The Untold Story

“LIZ.  Very funny.  What has Betty Grable got that I haven’t got? Or Lana Turner. GEORGE.  Nothing, dear.  In fact, you have something they haven’t got. LIZ.  (Pleased.) I have? What? GEORGE.  Me.  Well, see you later, dear.  If you want me, I’ll be at the bank. (Sound.  Door open and close—telephone dialing.) LIZ.  Hello, Ann? Liz.  I just spoke to George about being in the play.  Yes, he put his foot down.  Absolutely no.  He was really definite about it.  What time are we going to the tryouts? Of course I am.  It’s a challenge now.  If I get the part think how surprised George will be on opening night.  To say nothing of that Hollywood director. Who, me?  Don’t be silly.  A Hollywood contract is the last thing in the world I want—I’d just like to show George I could get one if I wanted to.  Goodbye, Ann. SOUND.  (Hang up phone)”
― Jess Oppenheimer, I Love Lucy: The Untold Story

“GEORGE.  Well, forget it, Liz. The answer is no! Not after last year (Laughter gets the better of him.) LIZ.  That wasn’t my fault. GEORGE.  Well, you’re supposed to feel at ease on the stage.  Move around. Oh, I almost died when that fellow came bounding in and called “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, THE DAM HAS BROKEN” and you just sat there.  I know how you felt.  I’ve had stage fright, too. LIZ.  I didn’t have stage fright. GEORGE.  Then why didn’t you get up when the dam broke?”
― Jess Oppenheimer, I Love Lucy: The Untold Story

“My Favorite Husband,”
― Jess Oppenheimer, I Love Lucy: The Untold Story

“The TV birth of Little Ricky was watched by an incredible 44 million viewers—15 million more than would tune in President Eisenhower’s inauguration the next day on all three networks.”
― Jess Oppenheimer, I Love Lucy: The Untold Story

“I had discovered that Lucy, despite her tough demeanor, was actually quite insecure; she really needed to be dominated.”
― Jess Oppenheimer, I Love Lucy: The Untold Story

“first-ever professional check. For writing and performing a smash hit routine on a national coast-to-coast radio program, I received the magnificent sum of seven dollars and fifty cents, less seventy-five cents commission to the Thomas Lee Artists’ Bureau (Tommy was Don Lee’s son). The thrill of leaving on our trip around the world was dampened considerably when Harrison Holliway asked me to do the character on a weekly basis. I was heartbroken, but I had to tell him that we were leaving in five days. The continuation of the great career that had begun that Monday would have to wait until my return. •   •   • Just a few words about our trip, which lasted for six interesting and delightful months. The cost, for the three of us, was just under five thousand dollars. In 1934 the only way to cross an ocean was by ship, and the seas were dotted with literally hundreds of vessels carrying their passengers and cargo from one end of the world to the other. Many lines provided ships to service the large and profitable business of transporting people and things from place to place. The Dollar Line, the President Line, Matson, Canadian Pacific, British and Orient, and North German Lloyd were just a few of the many companies, each of which had as many as a ship a week visiting any given”
― Jess Oppenheimer, Laughs, Luck...and Lucy: How I Came to Create the Most Popular Sitcom of All Time