Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis Quotes

“But God was rolling. "No, Sarah will give you a boy named Isaac and I will be his god and both he and Ishmael will father great nations and all you guys have to do is skin your dicks!" Well, alright... At age 99, Abraham skinned his dick, then Ishmael's, and then he skinned the dick's of all his men, including his slaves, and I know what you're thinking: Abraham, the patriarch of the Judeo/Christian/Muslim world, had slaves? Yup! The bible is fine with slavery, accepts it as a normal and completely acceptable aspect of life and never, I mean no one in the bible--not God, not Abraham, not Moses, not even Jesus--ever once condemns it! Huh? Get used to it.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Did God really say you can't eat from any tree in the garden?" "Oh, no! We can eat from any tree but the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil." Woman explained. "But if we eat from that tree or even touch it, God will kill us!" That bastard! thought the snake and he spat, "Bullshit! This fruit will not kill you! God knows that if you eat from that tree you will open your eyes and become like gods and know the difference between good and evil!" Become like gods! Well, isn't that interesting... "Fuck God, eat all you want, learn all you can, write a goddamn encyclopedia, for Chrissake!" "Well," Woman thought, "It's a beautiful tree and the fruit looks delicious and who better to trust than a talking snake?" Abandoning all caution, she picked some forbidden fruit and shared it with Man. They each took a bite... Flash! Man, suddenly felt the cool breeze on his balls and looked frantically at Woman... She looked frantically at him... Holy Shit! We're buck fucking naked!”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“The entire earth was never flooded anyhow for two simple reasons: The primal, infinite waters above the heaven (sky) and below the earth do not exist and there is not enough water on earth to flood it to a depth of an inch, much less to twenty-nine thousand feet. Period. End of argument. This story simply plagiarizes a Sumerian myth about a horrible flood that covered enough land to make it seem to the locals like the whole world was flooded. It stars a guy named Utnapishtim as Noah and is essentially the same story and so obviously a myth and nothing actual that I won't waste any more time on it.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“When Abraham finally died at the age of 175, I'm sure they pounded his chest, and shook and kicked him, and pried open his eyes, and yelled, "Is the son of a bitch actually dead?" "I don't believe it!" "Kick him again! I think I saw him blink!”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“When you have God doing something that any human being with an IQ north of 60 can do better and smarter, you got a lousy god!”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“his plan to kill Jacob apparently forgotten, embraced”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“We'll go down and confuse the bastards until they can't understand each other. (11:7-8)”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“They're one people, with one language and they can do goddamn anything! Nothing is impossible for these bastards! (11:6)”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Noah our first confirmed alcoholic Noah became a farmer and he was the first guy to grow grapes and make wine that he apparently liked to drink, because one day his son Ham stopped by Noah's tent and found him passed out drunk and naked, I guess on the floor. Ham was horrified and ran right out and reported to his brothers.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Consider this: God spent five days creating the earth and one day creating the rest of the universe. Does that make sense? The universe exists for fifteen billion light years in every direction we can see. There are trillions upon trillions upon trillions of stars in it, for Chrissake! A grain of sand is a far bigger percentage of the earth than the earth is of the universe. By a factor of about a gazillion! And we have no idea where the universe ends, or if it ends, and we can only guess as to what might exist beyond it. That's a whole lot of ignorance!”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Genesis is a fucking cartoon—plagiarized from a Babylonian cartoon that they plagiarized from a Sumerian cartoon—our best guess as to who we are and where we came from at a time when we knew absolutely nothing about anything!”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Consider this: God spent five days creating the earth and one day creating the rest of the universe! Does that make sense? The universe exists for fifteen billion light years in every direction we can see. There are trillions upon trillions upon trillions of stars in it, for Chrissake! A grain of sand is a far bigger percentage of the earth than the earth is of the universe! By a factor of about a gazillion! And we have no idea where the universe ends, or if it ends, and we can only guess as to what might exist beyond it. That's a whole lot of ignorance!”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Potiphar, the commander of Pharaoh's guard, saw that Yahweh favored his slave Joseph—and right away I'm skeptical. Potiphar was an Egyptian and Egypt had its own ancient religion, featuring incredible gods and a fantastic afterlife. You think Potiphar or any sober Egyptian gave a rat's ass about some crap Hebrew god called Yahweh? Who killed you for squirting a little semen on the ground? And offered a piss-poor afterlife where you "gathered with your people" in some dark, subterranean shithole called Sheol?”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Now of course the biblical women gave birth to girls, but women are so insignificant in the Bible that one born is generally unworthy of mention. The Bible is all about men and generally ignores women, unless one is being fucked by her father or raped or something special like that.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“If Yahweh controls the harvests, why was there a famine in the first place? In fact, if he controls everything, why is there ever a problem with anything? The more you read, the more you conclude that this guy God is just a flat-out prick.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“When Abraham finally died at the age of 175, I'm sure they pounded his chest, and shook and kicked him, and pried open his eyes, and yelled, "Is the son of a bitch actually dead?”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“The Bible is fine with slavery, accepts it as a normal and completely acceptable aspect of life and never, I mean no one in the Bible—not God, not Abraham, not Moses, not even Jesus—ever once condemns it!”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“That's right, Yahweh, who will forever judge us on our performance of good or evil, did not want us to know the difference between them! And was so dead serious about it that he told Man he would kill him if he ate the fruit and learned it!”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity

“Noah–our first confirmed alcoholic Noah became a farmer and he was the first guy to grow grapes and make wine that he apparently liked to drink, because one day his son Ham stopped by Noah's tent and found him passed out drunk and naked, I guess on the floor.”
― Steve Ebling, Holy Bible - Best God Damned Version - Genesis: For atheists, agnostics, and fans of religious stupidity