ConCom Quotes

“Know this: Your own brain will lie to you. It will backstab and sabotage you to prevent ANY change.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“A common romantic script is the rescue. One person has a horrible past of abuse and betrayal and latches on to a romantic partner who wants to be the hero and protect her from all badness. The protection from harm quickly becomes a protection from consequences. The rescued princess uses the relationship as a safe environment where growth and becoming strong are not necessary. The relationship quickly becomes co-dependent. The victim cannot survive on her own, and the rescuer gets his identity from shielding her from the world.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Whether the person you are dealing with is playing a Monkey dominance game or is a pure predator, he wants to deal with a Monkey. When you are in your Monkey brain you are emotional and most of all predictable. Predators (rapists, robbers, murderers--but also the cold-blooded corporate ladder climber) thrive on this and count on you following your social scripts.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“it is difficult to solve a problem that you are almost entirely ignorant about. You cannot work for peace while ignoring violence any more than a doctor can create treatments while refusing to study disease.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“There is an old saying, “Never ascribe to malice what can better be explained by stupidity.” That’s good advice.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Understand this: Once you trigger the other person’s limbic system, he or she cannot process your facts. Nor will they process the facts until after the Monkey issues have been resolved. No matter how right you are, no matter how unassailable your facts. Those are Human concerns and the Monkey trumps the Human. Had I the knowledge or the skill, all the resistance my ineptness triggered was not only avoidable but manipulable. Everything was predictable. Had I walked into the office and said, “Captain, I know I’m just a tactical guy, but I saw that memo and I had this idea. I don’t know anything about budgets but it made sense to me, so I’d appreciate it if you’d take a look at it and see if I’m completely off base. “I know I should have gone through the chain of command, but I figured you were the only one up here who wouldn’t laugh at me if I was wrong…” I know I’m just a tactical guy. In the captain’s role as protector of the future of the agency, starting by saying that I know where I belong and I’m happy there doesn’t trigger the status check. I’d appreciate it if you’d take a look…  Take a memo and tell one boss, “Sir, I have just solved all your problems” and that boss will shut you down. Take the exact same memo and tell a different boss, “Could you help me with this?” and he will be flattered. If you want the Monkey out of the way, whenever possible raise the status of the person you are dealing with.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Last thing--there is a universal way to see who you are, if you have the courage. You are reflected in your friends. If you have no friends, or all of your friends are asses… it’s you. You’re an ass. Hate to be the one to tell you. If, on the other hand, you look at your friends and feel humble that people so cool are willing to spend time with you--in that case you are doing well. Just don’t get smug.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“And in some environments, talking like an overly-educated, holier-than-thou reformer is an automatic hook. Don’t get any tribal feelings about that description, either. The most sanctimonious holier-than-thou people I know are progressive social activists, not religious zealots. (Ooooh. Look at all the labeling in that sentence!)”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Modern life has fewer circumstances where panic is a bonus. Most of our perceived dangers (cancer, the ecological crisis du jour, international bad guy of the month) give us more than enough time to gather information and make conscious choices. But the Monkey sometimes finds panic far more satisfying.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Usually scripts are beneficial, or at least harmless. The constant daily drone of small talk, the ritual greetings, even venting anger or complaining about politics or foreign affairs that we have no direct knowledge of, are all comforting. It’s the soothing background noise of a group without a pending crisis.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“People have different attitudes about the universal value of life, but that value, with few exceptions, is scaled to how similar or dissimilar a life form is. Plenty of vegetarians will swat a mosquito without thinking about it.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Dr. Drew Westen, in his book The Political Brain, writes about a study in which people who label themselves “conservative” or “liberal” are asked to explain their political views. They feel logical. They sound logical. But their neocortex (where logic resides) isn’t even active. The activity is in their limbic system, their emotional centers. Their Monkey brains. When”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“If you can find a mentor when you join a group that can be a big help, provided the mentor is intelligent and can explain things. When possible, take care to get a mentor from the status level that you aspire to. Many burnt-out complainers like to take newbies “under their wing” and “tell them the real truth” which winds up with you sharing the label of “burnt-out complainer.” Only accept a mentor who is successful.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Everything in this manual is blatantly manipulative, but here’s the deal--all communication is manipulation. I cannot communicate, I cannot put a thought in your head, without manipulation. I have to get you to read this book. When you read it I must use skill to make sure that the message received is the message I intended. I want you to communicate skillfully, and one of the keys is to engage with the other person’s Human brain. And that means not triggering his or her Monkey brain. If someone feels their status is being challenged or questioned, much less threatened, the limbic system will kick in. Once the limbic system has kicked in, well, how good are you at talking to Monkeys in a way that gets things done? So study status. If you have a boss who acts out, gets aggressive and yells, instead of labeling him as an insecure little prick (labeling, hmmm?), try to take away his insecurity. If you are about to present an idea, ask for help with it instead of offering to help. The status that you manipulate here is not real. It is imaginary status based on what the ghost community of long-dead primates values.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“That’s part of the problem, of course. If you can be scared out of talking about the problem, no one can do anything about the problem. And most people do deal with this from their Monkey brains, where talking critically identifies you as an enemy. As you will, but for the next few paragraphs, work to stay in your Human brain with me.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Does it cost you anything to be nice? Especially to people who have a tough, important job and get no credit? Want to have a smooth career? Get to know the people other people don’t notice. Be friendly. Appreciate them. They keep things running. Give them the credit they deserve for that.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“If you come in as an outsider, acknowledge the fact and be careful not to come in as an authority figure. If you are there to fix the stupid people the stupid people will band together to prove that you are wrong.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“You might well be an ass. If people regularly dislike you “for no reason” there is a reason and it is you.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Sometimes big insights can shift our reality maps toward much greater accuracy, but no level of insight can make our beliefs about life into life.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Why should I apologize if he’s the one being the asshole?” It’s a fairly common question. I have heard officers (a very few; it’s rare) say that they would never apologize to a criminal, and managers say they would never apologize to their employees. The whole idea is stupid. It is based on a fear of seeming weak or submissive or a parallel fear of being accused of being responsible. “I’m sorry.” Not much as a word thing, huh? Two words, expresses sympathy and nothing else… Here’s the big clue and the Monkey trick on this one:  “I don’t want to apologize because I don’t want to look weak.” Really? Being afraid of looking weak denies reality and our own experience. We have all seen arguments like this. We have all been part of the audience who will “see the weakness.” That’s not what happens. We see two people being unreasonable, not one. And the first person to apologize is clearly the smart one, the mature one, the leader. You gain, not lose, status when you make a reasonable, timely and sincere apology. From your own experience you have seen this time and again. You know this. If the other tries to turn it into a sign of weakness, gets so caught up in the Monkey Dance that he refuses the olive branch or presses for more, the audience identifies him as an ass and he loses status. We know this from our own experience of being the watchers. The very people you might be afraid to seem weak to. We know this. Still, the Monkey convinces us to be afraid of what people will think, even though we know they will not think it. People are not held in check by what people will think. They are held in check by what they imagine people will think. That imagination is patently, provably wrong. How much control will you let it have?”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“This inner critic, with its fear of imaginary censure, is one of the most powerful social controls that we have. It is solely responsible for you probably living at the same socio-economic level you were raised at, not being much more successful than your parents, never finishing that novel or getting your college degree or black belt. It exists to make sure that the group doesn’t have to adjust around you, to keep you within your tribe and keep you in your place in your tribe. Is that what you want?”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“What is the difference between the Crips and the Bloods? Whether they kill over red bandanas or blue bandanas, it’s about which symbols they’re willing to kill for. But if one group was not willing to kill over the symbols (because they were too logical) and the other group was willing, the first group would disappear. Eradicated or absorbed.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication

“Even the argument that you have had a hundred times with your partner, the one that never gets solved. You get frustrated, feeling like you are stuck in a broken record. It doesn’t benefit you. In many cases, it doesn’t benefit anyone. Is anyone happy and satisfied in an abusive relationship? In a dysfunctional office or family? Even when we know it is dysfunctional, we keep doing the same things over and over again. We are on a script. If the script doesn’t benefit anybody, why do we do it? We do it because the Monkey brain believes it benefits everybody. It benefits the group. The Monkey brain feels it is a survival necessity to be in a group. It is nearly as important to know one’s place in the group. Once these are established, no matter how horrible it may be (the daughter who is the target of abuse is not in what one would call a high-status role in a nice group), the Monkey is afraid that changing anything may change everything. And the Monkey sees that as death.”
― Rory Miller, ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication