Best Jokes Quotes

“On the first day of college”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“619. Password Audit During her company's periodic password audit, a blond employee was found to be using this password: GoofyHueyLouieDeweyDaisyDonaldMickeyMinniePhoenix When she was asked why she had such a long password, she said, "The boss said that my password had to be at least eight characters long and have at least one capital.”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“you know we’re going at night!”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“do”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“businessman from wanting to marry her. So,”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“mine?”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“A class fifth student for an exam studied only one essay 'Friend', but in the exam, the essay which came was "Father". He replaced the word 'friend' with 'father' in the essay and it read: I am a very 'fatherly' person. I have lots of 'fathers'. Some of my 'fathers' are male and some are female. My true 'father' is my neighbor.”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“he can't”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman. “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. “Darn, he recognized me,” she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?” “Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“155. Remember 1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemies but remember their names. 3. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. 4. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

“233. Standing All Alone Julia began her job in a secondary school as a counselor and she was keen to help the pupils. One day during break-time she noticed a girl standing all by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were enjoying a game of soccer at the other end of the field. Julia approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said that she was. Sometime later, however, Julia noticed that the girl was in exactly the same spot, still by herself. Going up to her again, she enquired, 'Would you like me to be your friend?' The girl hesitated, then said, 'Alright,' while looking at Julia with some suspicion. Feeling she was making progress, Julia then asked, 'Why are you standing here all alone?' 'Because,' the girl said with a large sigh, ‘I'm the goalie!”
― Manik Joshi, Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes