The Best Of Sickipedia Quotes

“Fuck that, it'll take ages. I'll just use a towel. I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.
Well, I got four quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now?”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“I don't like being called a racist. I prefer ethnic critic.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“I was in the pub with my girlfriend last night when she said, “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure, babe,” I replied, stroking her hair. “What is it?”
She said, “Why are you with me?”
I said, “Because I love you.”
She said, “I know, but this is the ladies toilets and I'm trying to have a shit.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“I was shagging the wife last night and, after coming for the second time, I rolled over.
My wife was not impressed and said, “How about finishing me off now?”
So I smothered her with my pillow.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“I went into a brothel and said, “How much for anal?”
She said, “Sixty quid.”
I said, “Ah, that's a bit expensive. I think I'll leave it.”
She said, “Tight arse.”
I said, “Oh, go on then.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“My girlfriend only gives me a blowjob if I wear a condom.
That's like taking a shit with your boxers on.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“Virgin mobile. What's the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“I failed my Politics exam. The question was: “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world.”
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.
I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice, prease!” But, instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“Some kid was playing up and being a right twat in Tesco, so his dad gave him a smack. This German woman came over, tapped the dad on the shoulder and said, “In my country we don't smack our children.”
He replied, “Well, in our country we don't gas our Jews.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“It's all fun and games until you realise Casper the Ghost is actually a dead child.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“When my wife asked me if I was high, I just laughed.
Uncontrollably.
For fifteen minutes.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“What do you call a disabled paedophile?
A creepy crawly.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes

“When Saddam Hussein was found guilty he was originally sentenced to be shot.
His last request was to name his own firing squad: He chose Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards.”
― Ivor Hugh Jardon, The Best Of Sickipedia: A Collection Of The Sickest, Most Offensive and Politically Incorrect Jokes