The Rants Quotes

“I know we don’t like to vote – marking your ballot nowadays is like choosing between the 3am showing of Beastmaster on Showtime and the 3am showing of Beastmaster 2 on Cinemax.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“And the reason parenting is becoming increasingly crucial is that we now live in a world that is more fucked up than Peter O’Toole on his birthday.”
― Dennis Miller, Rants

“And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous.
As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don’t like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“Power is the most sought-after, addictive, seductive, abused drug there is. Compared to power, crack is Fruitopia.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“Now I’m not pro-drug. They obviously cause a lot of damage. But I am pro-logic, and you’re never going to stop the human need for release through altered consciousness. The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawn until they fell down and saw God.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“Pop – Pop culture has turned the brain into the body’s new appendix – no real function, and it could quite possibly blow up and mill you. As organs go, you just don’t need your brain anymore!”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“The schools are there to teach your kids to read, write, and add – skills they will need if they are going to apply for and wisely invest their unemployment checks one day.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“I remember once my kid got in trouble for saying to his teacher, “What time is fucking recess?” and I remember thinking, “Now where would he fucking pick up something like that?”
― Dennis Miller, Rants

“And then, as so frequently happens in human endeavors, one or the other sexual partners inadvertently hurts the other person by accidentally elbowing them, or leaning on their hair.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“FIVE – This is very important. During lovemaking: Don’t ask, “Who’s your daddy?” Even as a joke. All right? It’s not funny.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“And obviously everybody has a different sense of what’s funny. If you need confirmation of that, I would remind you that “Saved By the Bell” recently celebrated the taping of their one-hundredth episode.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“Schadenfreude is as old as the Scriptures. Believe me, when the girls in the Red Sea bowling league heard that Lot’s wife had morphed into a pillar of salt, the deer-lick jokes flew.”
― Dennis Miller, Rants

“And you know, while I’m at it, I don’t care what arcane passage you pull out of the Old Testament and run through your Jeremiah-begat-Jedediah Decoder Ring, one of the definitive tenets of Christianity is tolerance. Trust me, there’s no version of the Bible that says Love thy neighbor unless he’s a Peter Allen fan. Any supposedly Christian doctrine must have at the core a belief in the concept of unqualified love for your fellow man. Unless of course he proves himself to be a total asshole. Then you can ditch him. Sure, God understands that, who do you think booked Satan’s flight? What he can’t understand is turning against someone because you don’t happen to agree with their sexual preference. Forget your linear, biblical interpretation that tells you to ostracize gays, and follow your heart. It’s like when your driving test instructor would tell you to run the stop sign. And you would, and then he’d flunk you. And you’d say, “But you told me to.” And he’d say, “Sorry, but you never run a stop sign.” And you never carpet bomb a group of people with hate because they’re different from you. Case closed, Tail-gunner Joe.”
― Dennis Miller, Rants