Men Who Can't Love Quotes

“HERE'S THE PROBLEM: Many men have an exaggerated fear of commitment. If you are a contemporary woman, there is a very good chance that you are going to be involved with at least one man, possibly more, who chooses to walk away from love. It may be the man who doesn't call after a particularly good first date; it may be the ardent pursuer who woos you only to leave after the first night of sex; it may be the trusted boyfriend and lover who sabotages the relationship just as it heads for marriage, or it may be the man who waits until after marriage to respond to the enormity of his commitment by ignoring your emotional needs and becoming unfaithful or abusive. However, whenever it happens, chances are you are dealing with a man who has an abnormal response to the notion of commitment. To him something about you spells out wife, mother, togetherness —forever— and it terrifies him. That's why he leaves you. You don't understand it. You don't see yourself as threatening. As a matter of fact, you may not even have wanted that much from this particular guy. If it's any consolation, he probably doesn't understand his reactions any better than you do. All he knows is that the relationship is "too close for comfort." Something about it, and therefore you, makes him anxious. If his fear is strong enough, this man will ultimately sabotage, destroy, or run away from any solid, good relationship. He wants love, but he is terrified—genuinely phobic—about commitment and will run away from any woman who represents "happily ever after." In other words, if his fear is too great, the commitment-phobic will not be able to love, no matter how much he wants to. But that's not how it seems at the beginning. At the beginning of the relationship, when you look at him you see a man who seems to need and want love. His blatant pursuit and touching displays of vulnerability convince you that it is "safe" for you to respond in kind. But as soon as you do, as soon as you are willing to give love a chance, as soon as it's time for the relationship to move forward, something changes. Suddenly the man begins running away, either figuratively, by withdrawing and provoking arguments, or literally, by disappearing and never calling again. Either way, you are left with disappointed dreams and destroyed self-esteem. What happened, what went wrong, and why is this scenario so familiar to so many women?”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Take the first clue that he is backing off as an indication that something could be seriously wrong. Although your first instinct is to move closer, the more appropriate action is to move away. Know that your reassurance and acceptance will not alleviate his problem. Quite the opposite, it may be causing the problem. So don't work at being extra-giving, loving, attentive, etc. It's the wrong reaction.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Even when he is behaving in a totally destructive manner, there is a tendency on the part of many women to expect the feelings he expressed in the Beginning to reemerge and make everything right.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Consider the possibility that what he says may be projection on his part, and that his "sensitivity" to women's issues is merely a means of masking his own rocky history and questionable intentions.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Most important: Don't start trying to become the perfect woman/wife/mother figure in an effort to convince him that you're the woman he's looking for. This is the time for you to remember that you are a smart, independent, emotionally secure woman who should be asserting her own sense of identity.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“When he talks about wanting a solid relationship, he is speaking in the general, not the specific. When he talks like this, he's not making promises.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Don't assume responsibility for his emotional wellbeing. Don't be so quick to bond. And don't feel sorry for him.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Make sure you've always got one foot on his brakes and another on yours.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“The wooing, the winning, the dining, the romance—it's all part of his here-and-now philosophy. He doesn't feel reluctant about sharing intimacies with a stranger because he isn't thinking of anything beyond selling himself.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“1. If he has ever treated another woman badly, don't assume it's going to be different with you. 2. If he blames his past problems entirely on the woman, be skeptical. 3. If he blames his past problems on himself, he is probably telling the truth and will probably be the same with you.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Now is the time to find out as much as possible about him, about his previous relationships, about his relationships with his family. Your judgment and acceptance of him should be based on the kind of man he is, not on his skill in manipulating your ego.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“When a man is immediately overwhelmed by you, warning signals should go off in your brain. Here's what they should say: This man responds more to fantasy than he does to reality.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“What a woman must do at the Beginning is stay realistic and slow the relationship down. At the Beginning, you have a great deal of ego leverage and control. Use it to set the pace and tone that will lead to permanency. No matter how much you're tempted to go along with his "Hollywood" style, don't do it.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Acknowledge how certain behavior patterns—such as setting boundaries, fault-finding, mixed messages—are almost universal indications of a commitmentphobic problem in general, and are not specifically directed against you.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“You assume that he has the same level of emotional integrity that you have.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“You, on the other hand, probably have a history of total reliability and dependability. You pride yourself on the fact that people can count on you. In essence, you do what you say you're going to do. Consequently, you think long and hard before you say you will do anything. If you came on to anyone the way he comes on to you, it would mean something. It would mean that you were prepared to do everything possible to try and develop a real, long-term relationship.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“This man, at the beginning, appears to be utterly romantic. In reality, he is often totally unrealistic. He has no idea what it is he really wants, and he has no concept of how his behavior might be interpreted. He is probably somebody with little history of reliability and dependability in other relationships.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Some questions to ask yourself before you get involved: How did he leave past relationships? Does he have a history of pitting women against each other? Is there an admitted history of dishonesty with another woman?”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“The man who is able to make a commitment rarely does this kind of dancing back and forth. He may move slowly, but he continues to move in the same direction.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“When I think of getting married, I worry that my life will be over. I don't want to lose my lifestyle, which in my case often turns out to be going home, watching television alone, and reheating an old slice of pizza.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Most of the women he has met have been good women, and he has been unkind to all of them.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“He may have a permanently temporary attitude toward home base; this can be reflected by sublets or temporary leases, or by a serious reluctance to commit himself to buying furniture.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Commitmentphobics tend to resist being defined by a job or a career, even when they are successful. An example of this is the lawyer/writer who teaches and plays in a jazz band weekends. The bottom line is that they always want to feel that the possibility exists that they can get out from any job situation, should they want to. Some want to fairly often.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Now let's look at the commitmentphobic's job pattern. Basically, he can't bear to feel trapped there either.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“He pointed out that he tended to live the life of a vagabond because he could never fully commit himself to one place or one job. He rented a television set because he could never settle on just which set to buy, and noted that most major purchases were difficult or impossible to deal with.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“His actions are not governed by common sense, they are governed by his exaggerated fear of commitment. Therefore, when the relationship becomes truly close and intimate, he feels more trapped because he knows he has no excuses for leaving. As long as the relationship is troubled, he knows he has an excuse for leaving, and there is no threat of entrapment.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“Tom told me he didn't think about Gloria's feelings at all. It didn't even occur to him that she might think something about her had turned him off—which was, of course, not the case. The fact is that the relationship had nowhere to go except toward commitment, and this set off Tom's internal alarm system. After that, all he could think about was putting out the fire.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“don't do anything unless you are asked to do it. Once the relationship has reached this stage, the typical commitmentphobic feels too guilty to ask anything of a woman because he doesn't want her to ask too much of him.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“He starts out wanting to be her lover, but ends up developing just a friendship with a sexual undertone—which he never, or rarely and perfunctorily, follows through on.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE

“No matter how long he's known the woman or how casually they have met, if he's strongly attracted to her, he immediately starts thinking of marriage. Frightened by even the thought, he ends it, right there. A man such as this may know that he can't make a permanent commitment, and be really sincere about not wanting to use or mislead a woman by allowing a relationship to develop further.”
― Steven Carter, MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE